JD Times

Risked his life for Theater!

2010-05-02T15:37:00.001-04:00

That's right, I went to Times Square last night to see a show. So this is what it's like being a New Yorker. Nancy and I are on a bus heading down Seventh Avenue when the driver announces "All traffic is being stopped at 49th street." Then he adds casually "There’s some kinda fire, I guess." So what's the first thing that pops into our mind? "Terrorists?" No. "WMD?" No. "Are we going to make the opening curtain?" You bet.

We de-bus and start schlepping down 7th until we hit a roadblock. Cops are everywhere and looking down the Avenue we see...nothing. No cars, no pedestrians, no pedi-cabs, no nothing. Spooky. We speed-walk over to Eighth Avenue while trying not to look at our watches every 30 seconds and thank God Eighth is open. We jam down to 42nd Street, weave over to the theater and breathlessly hand over our tickets. It is 8:05 and the doors to the auditorium are closed, always a bad sign, but an usher rushes us in and we plop in our seats just as the curtain goes up.

What a night.

By the way the show was Everyday Rapture and I highly recommend it. But go on a non-bomb scare night.

A Song in Celebration of the Passage of the Recent Health Care Legislation

2010-03-28T13:05:00.002-04:00

Full Disclosure

2009-10-09T09:46:00.003-04:00

The FTC has announced that it will require bloggers to reveal any remuneration they receive in exchange for a favorable mention of a product.

I want to make it clear that this is not and has never been a problem for me. I have never been offered any remuneration for anything written in my blog.

Ever.

For example, consider that wonderful Blu-ray player I’ve had my eye on – you know, the Samsung BD-P4600 1080p Blu-ray Disc Player.

Let me see if I can rattle off a few of its amazing features - just of the top of my head:

• Plays Blu-ray high-definition discs (selectable output resolution: 1080p/1080i/720p signals available through HDMI output only)
• Built-in audio decoding to PCM for Dolby Digital, Dolby Digital Plus, Dolby TrueHD, DTS-HD and DTS-HD Master Audio Essential
• Netflix video and Pandora music streaming (subscriptions to these services required)
• Wi-Fi capable (includes wireless USB adapter)
• Wall-mountable (includes wall-mount hardware)

But one again let me make it clear. I am in full compliance with the FTC new rules for bloggers.

Samsung has never offered to give me a P4600.

Yet.

Republican Prayer Breakfast

2009-09-10T13:11:00.009-04:00

"Our Father"

"YOU LIE!"

"who art in heaven,"

"NOT BORN HERE!"

"hallowed be thy name."

"FASCIST! HOLLOW FASCIST"

"Thy Kingdom come,"

"COMMUNIST FASCIST!"

"thy will be done,"

"NAZI!!!"

"on earth as it is in heaven."

"HEAVENIST! COMMUNIST HEAVENIST NAZI!"

"Give us this day our daily bread."

"GET A JOB!"

"And forgive us our trespasses"

"FORGIVER!

"as we forgive those who trespass against us."

"HITLER FORGIVER SOCIALIST!"

"And lead us not into temptation,"

"LEAD-US-NOT-ER!"

"but deliver us from evil."

"DELIVERER! SOCIALIST DELIVERER FROM EVIL!"

"For thine is the kingdom,"

"KINGDOMIST! STALIN LOVER!"

"and the power"

"STALINIST HITLERISTIC SOCIALIZER!"

"and the glory"

"HITLER STALIN!"

"for ever"

"STALIN HITLER!"

"and ever"

"REPEATER! EVER AND EVER REPEATER"

"Amen"

"AMENIST! FINALIZER! STALIN NAZI HITLER COMMUNIST FASCISTIST!"

"I WANT MY BREAKFAST BACK!!!!!!"

People's

2009-09-08T23:28:00.000-04:00

I was sitting in fast food restaurant in Eastern Connecticut a week or so ago when I looked out the window at the mall across the street and was startled to see this disturbing sign:

"People's United Bank".

Well, that's it, I thought. The Obama plan to turn the country Socialist has finally come to fruition.

Upon further investigation my friends at Google and I discovered these corporate entities:

People's United Financial, Inc.
People's Bancorporation, Inc.
People's Educational Holdings, Inc.
The People's Gas Light and Coke Company
Music For Little People
People's Drug Mart
People's Garment Public Company Limited
People Magazine

And the list goes on and on!

The remarkable thing is that so many of these "People's" companies are banks and investment firms. Banks and investment firms are supposed to be about Capitalism. What the hell does that have to do with The People?

A couple of these are far more disturbing than the others.

That one called "Music For Little People" sends shivers down my spine. Once the government gets its hands on our music and our kids, well, turn out the lights, the party's over.

And what about "The Peoples Gas Light and Coke Company"?

What are we going to do when the government takes over our light and soft drinks?

All I can say is God help you if you drink Pepsi, Comrade.

Obama-dental

2009-09-06T01:00:00.000-04:00

There has been so much discussion about the president's health care reform that not much attention has been paid to the dental component.

There is one disturbing feature. Apparently the plan will pay for a consultation with a dental professional so you can "plan" your dental care. These so-called "Tooth Panels" will decide who gets a filling and who doesn't.

I'm sorry, but that sounds like something they might do in England. Have you seen their teeth? Courtesy of the National Health!

Come on, people. We've got to nip this in the bud!

Let's not pull the teeth on Grandma!

# # #

A lot of people don't know about the dental coverage reform plan, but you can get more info here.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

2009-09-03T23:10:00.000-04:00

The unemployment rate is way up and frequently people have to find new lines of work after losing a job. This was brought starkly home to me a couple of weeks ago when I was out for a late afternoon stroll.

It was hot and I was thirsty so I was gratified to see a small table on the sidewalk with a handwritten sign reading "Lemonade". Usually these ad hoc beverage vending centers are staffed by 8 or 9 year old girls with happy faces and optimistic demeanors, but in this case the person sitting behind the table was a middle aged man wearing a plaid sport coat, polyester slacks, and white shoes. He saw me eying the condensation-coated pitcher sitting on the table and stood up. He had a smile that made me unconsciously pat my wallet to make sure it was still in my pocket.

"Thirsty?" he said.

"Yep. It's a hot one. How much?"

"Well, what kind of budget do you have?"

"A budget for lemonade?" I puzzled.

He took out a small pad of paper and a pencil. "I'm going to write a number down and you tell me if this is a payment you can live with."

"Payment..." I glance at the paper - "...$199 for lemonade? Are you crazy?"

"That includes zero percent financing, but I might be able to do better. I'll have to talk to my manager. He's delivering a pizza, but he'll be back in a minute".

I tossed the piece of paper back at him and started walking off.

"Hey," he shouted. "What's it going to take to get you into a libation today?"

"How about no money down and $3,000 cash back?" I muttered sarcastically.

"That's doable," he said. "Do you have a trade-in?"

Senior Vacation

2009-08-31T23:03:00.002-04:00

My wife and I just returned from a brief vacation where I was shocked to discover that I have somehow reached an age where I qualified for what are called "Senior" discounts. Normally I'm all in favor of saving a little money, but on this trip I struggled with the trade-off between gaining a discount and admitting I'm old.

At one eating establishment, for example, the dishes listed on the Getting On In Years menu were only a few cents less than those on the In The Prime Of Life menu. It didn't seem worth the humiliation of ordering an egg white omelet and low sodium turkey bacon so I paid full price for three-egg yolkified omelet and extra porky bacon.

Later we wandered into an amusement park which claimed to be fun for Kids Of All Ages. Discount for Older Kids Of All Ages: $2. Not worth it.

Finally we went to see a movie where the Elder Statesman Discount actually amounted to several dollars and, I decided, well worth revealing my secret shame. When I asked for the discount ticket the young man in the booth, whose concerns about anything to do with age I'm sure revolved around the purchase of alcoholic beverages, replied "No way, man. You don't get the discount unless you're over 60." Somewhat flustered I muttered, "Well, I am over 60." "I don't think so, man," he challenged. There was an awkward pause, then I replied, "Okay, bro', you got me. I thought I could fool you but you're way too smart for me." I forked over the full admission price.

And I didn't mind at all.

Obesity

2009-08-18T13:04:00.000-04:00

During the debate about health care I've heard a lot of talk about obesity. This country is in the midst of an "epidemic of obesity", some say. "Obesity is the number one health problem" say others. "Hey, fatso, how about a salad?" opines a third.

I'm worried that so-called "experts" are using the overweight as a convenient target to explain why health care costs so much. Now they want to put a tax on soda and candy to pay for health care.

Well, that just smacks of Socialism to me. Godless, Communistic Socialism! What's next? Government appointed "Fat panels" to decide who eats and who doesn't? Who does that remind you of? Hitler and Stalin, that's who!

They are also planning to offer nutrition "counseling" to "explain" to people why that piece of pie you are having for dessert is a threat to the future of the country.

I don't think the founding fathers would approve of the government getting involved when people are making those sensitive "end of meal" decisions.

This is a slippery slope.

It starts with "counseling", and the next thing you know they are pulling the plug on Grandma's toaster oven.

What's in a 9 name

2009-08-16T12:10:00.003-04:00

I see two movies are opening this week with similar names.

"District 9" is about extraterrestrials who live in a refugee camp.

"Cloud 9" is about elderly people having sex.

One deals with lumbering, misshapened creatures wandering aimlessly through a world that doesn't want or understand them.

The other one is about extraterrestrials.

Now, where was I?

2009-08-13T12:30:00.003-04:00

Well, a dear friend notified me that it has been a year since I've written in my blog.

I knew I was forgetting something.

Well, that's gonna change!

My blog is back, now there's gonna be some chuckles
Hey la, hey la, my blog is back.
The only thing that rhymes with chuckles is buckles,
Hey la, hey la, my blog is back.
Yeah! It's gonna be so funny.
Yeah! It won't be makin' any money.
Hey la, Hey la, my blog is back.
Hey, my blog is back,
oh oh yeah, my blog is back,
WTF my blog is back,
Oh yeah.

Alright, everybody! See you next year!

Hair Redux Redux

2008-08-12T14:20:00.005-04:00

After writing my recent post about the musical Hair I started thinking about draft card burning and what it meant in my younger days. I remembered this record that was popular at that time.

It is called "A Letter To My Teenage Son" by Victor Lundberg.

I think it is worth a listen.

Hair redux

2008-08-08T16:00:00.002-04:00

I had the pleasure of seeing a fine production of the musical Hair the other night and clearly it has held up much better than I have. I first saw it almost 40 years ago (OMFG!), but to me the music is still exceptional and I found this performance to be extremely moving.

I'm not sure how someone who has viewed the Vietnam War filtered through the pages of a history book is going to feel about this show, but, really, is the Iraq war so much different?

There might have been was a bit less torture in those days.

Before the performance began the artistic director made a point of explaining that the bits of paper being burned near the end of the first act were Draft Cards. (Remember when it was a crime to burn a piece of paper?)

The concept of a government that could pluck you out of your comfortable, everyday existence and drop you into a nightmare 8,000 miles away is something that is foreign to contemporary society.

Today's government just deceives you into going to war and then won't let you come home when you're time is up.

I agree with this reviewer when he says that the key to this production is in the song "Where Do I Go?". When I saw the show in my 20's I related strongly to that theme.

"Why do I live?," cries a confused young man. "Why do I die?"

Back then I thought as I grew older (if I grew older) I'd some day know the answer to those questions.

I was wrong.

They Tried To Do A Renovation, I said No, No, No.

2008-07-18T10:55:00.001-04:00

I headed over to my local inexpensive Chinese place the other day, eager to partake of their 4.95 lunch special. The chicken with hot pepper and peanut is a particular favorite of mine, and they make the best at Guo's.

Imagine my shock and awe when I approached the rather shabby storefront and saw a sign proclaiming "Closed for Renovation". Inside a couple of workmen were mulling over some blueprints while a circular saw whined nearby.

It was clear. Change was in the air, and a single thought immediately leaped into my head.

I shamefully prayed they hadn't discarded the oil from the deep fryer.

Countless battered chicken wings, breaded baby shrimp, and thickly crusted egg rolls had made that oil just a bit less viscous than a good quality 10W30, yet somehow it had mystically retained the spirit of all that had fried before. Whatever was placed in that oil emerged with a wonderful flavor of all it's past denizens.

It makes my mouth water just to think about it.

I noticed the owner standing by the window looking in. I walked over and asked, "Guo? What's going on?"

"Had to make renovation. Inspector say so."

"Inspector?", I asked, shocked. "Not the health inspector?"

"No, no", he said, sounding a bit offended. "Building inspector. Bad floor."

"Ah," I said, as if I knew something about bad floors.

After a decent interval had passed I had to ask, "What about the, um, er,..."

"The oil?" said Guo, knowingly.

"Oil?" I said, trying to sound nonchalant. "What oil?"

"You twenty-fifth customer to ask today. Oil fine. I keep in back. Soon as renovation over, oil go back in fryer."

I breathed an inner sigh of relief. Maybe not so inner, as Guo said, "You happy now?"

"Yes, very happy. How long until you open again?"

"One week."

I silently damned the building inspector. One week without chicken with hot pepper and peanut? A grim prospect. Very grim prospect.

I walked glumly over a couple of blocks to the another Chinese restaurant that I had noticed but never used. A bright, teenage girl stood behind the counter wearing a crisp white apron. "May I take your order?" she perked.

As I spoke she noted each item on a neatly lined notepad. When I was finished she asked "Would you like an egg roll with that?"

"I don't know. Are they any good?"

"They should be," she smiled happily. "We just changed the oil today."

Ham And Eggs

2008-07-09T12:05:00.001-04:00

I was talking to my dad the other day and asking him what it was like when he was growing up. He'll be celebrating his 84th birthday in a couple of weeks which means he was born in 1924, which means he was 10 years old in 1934, the midst of the Great Depression. I was wondering how those times compared with our current economic problems.

He thought for a moment. "My father used to say 'If we had ham we'd have ham and eggs. If we had eggs.'" Dark humor from his father (my Grandfather) who I always remember as a pretty happy-go-lucky guy. Family legend has it that he spent some time as a bootlegger and I remember him telling stories about how he would outrun "The Feds" by speeding through the woods in an old Model T Ford. And on those occasions when I went riding with him he often demonstrated the prowess needed to lose a persistent Treasury agent.

If we had ham we'd have ham and eggs.

If we had eggs.

For my father, I guess, that sums up the Great Depression.

These days it's considered a hardship to pay four and a half dollars a gallon for gas while fretting about how to lose those last stubborn fifty pounds.

Certainly that's a problem, but not quite as serious as worrying about where your next meal is going to come from.

I've heard stories of people filling up their tanks at the gas station and taking off from the pump without paying. Just floor it and head for the woods.

Grandpa would be so proud.

By 1944 my father was in basic training on his way to earning a Purple Heart at Saipan.

I haven't heard him complain about the price of gas lately.

What Is An American?

2008-06-26T14:54:00.002-04:00

There has been some talk among John McCain's supporters that perhaps Barack Obama isn't American enough. You know, unusual name, Kenyan father, Mother from Kansas.

But at least he was born in America. Unlike John McCain, who was born in Panama.

Are we ready for a Panamanian president? If so why isn't Manuel Norieaga running? Or Mariano Rivera?

The Constitution states that only a "natural born" citizen can serve as President. So how does someone born in Panama qualify as a "natural born" citizen? How many electoral votes does Panama have?

Some people say this constitutional restriction doesn't apply to Mr. McCain. Since he was born in what used to be called "The Canal Zone" the constitution must be interpreted so that "The Canal Zone" qualifies as being part of the United States.

Well may I refer to no less an expert as Supreme Court Justice Atnonin Scalia? Justice Scalia adheres to the philosophy of "orginalism," which means the Constitution must be interpreted based on what it originally meant to the people who ratified it over 200 years ago.

So what did "The Canal Zone" mean to the ratifiers of 1788?

Nothing!

Because there was no Panama Canal in 1788. There wasn't even an Erie Canal, for that matter.

So, I'm sorry Señor McCain. When it come to a Panamanian being elected President of the United States I have just one thing to say.

¡No se puede!

Is He A Muslim?

2008-06-19T13:59:00.001-04:00

His ties to the Muslim community are clear.

There is no doubt.

John McCain has been seen within the past few months associating with several men who have been identified as Muslims.

Here is the proof:

Here is John McCain with so called Iraqi President Jalal Talibani, a well known - you might even say Card-Carrying - Muslim. Sunni or Shiite? Not so well known. I'm not too sure who that other guy is, but he might be a Muslim, too. Who knows?
###

And here he is with a couple of guys who look an awful lot like Muslims. Some might say that just because they look like Muslims doesn't mean they are Muslims. That, my friend, is September 10 thinking.
###

This is a Muslim woman voting for McCain in the Florida primary. To be fair, she later said she thought she was voting for Pat Buchanan.
###

Finally, there is this disturbing picture of McCain conferring with someone named Abdullah. King Abdullah. Notice how McCain is turned away so we can't see what flag pin he is wearing. Red, White, and Green perhaps?
###

So, is John McCain a Muslim? Sadly, that is not the only question we must ask ourselves. Clearly, we must also ask

Is He A Mormon?

This Stella's For You

2008-06-17T11:45:00.003-04:00

I saw in the paper that the Belgian brewery company InBev wants to buy Anheuser Busch. That's Anheuser Busch as in the makers of Budweiser, the most American beer on the market.

InBev's flagship beer is something called "Stella Artois".

I'm willing to bet that a substantial majority of Budweiser drinkers cannot even pronounce "Artois".

So what are we to expect once these Belgians have taken over our beloved Bud?

Will we see some ersatz Hercule Poirot coming home from a hard day of sleuthing and cooing "'Astings, decant for me the Weiser of the Bud, s'il vous plait. I must refresh the little gray cells, 'Astings. The little gray cells."

And what about the Clydesdales? Can we expect to see them put out to pasture, only to be reproduced in chocolate - dark, bittersweet, and milk?

While you're at it why not just throw some chocolate right in the beer, Belgians? And you might as well add a couple of Brussel sprouts too!

As you may have guessed I'm against this deal. I don't want to appear to be an isolationist, but I think we all remember what happened a few years ago when the Japanese bought Montana for the beef.

What's in a Middle Name

2008-06-10T13:44:00.004-04:00

His middle name is unusual. Not one you commonly hear, although it belongs to some fairly well known people. But still, it is an odd name. Not what you would expect in a regular guy.

That's right, John McCain's middle name is Sidney.

His full name, in fact, is John Sidney McCain III.

That's III.

That means both his father and grandfather had the middle name Sidney.

Coincidence? You be the judge.

And what are the origins of this name? This "Sidney"?

FRENCH!!!!

That's right. According to good ole babynames.com "Sidney" is a contraction of Saint Denis.

And according to good ole Wikipedia Saint Denis was a martyr. As in someone willing to give up his life in the expectation of some holy reward.

And exactly how was this Saint Denis martyred?

BEHEADED!!!!

Willing to die for a holy reward?

Familiar with beheading?

Admired by the French?

Remind you of anyone?

Finally, after examining the best images of Saint Denis available on the Internet it must be concluded that this "martyr" never wore a flag pin on his lapel.

In fact, sometimes he didn't even wear a lapel.

But this is America.

We are a fair country.

We are a balanced country.

We don't hold someone's name, middle or otherwise, against him.

I think we must be open enough to give John Sidney McCain III the benefit of the doubt.

There is no verifiable evidence that he supports religious martyrdom or beheading.

Yet.

Of course the Main Stream Media hasn't bothered to ask him about it, so we don't really know what he thinks, do we?

###

Subway Scene

2008-06-04T23:24:00.000-04:00

I'm riding uptown on the #6 train. At 51st street a guy with a shaved head and wearing a tank top, black jeans, and motorcycle boots gets on by grabbing the door at the last minute and forcing it open.

That's a bad sign, I think.

I notice the guy has a hunting knife hanging from his belt. It reminds me of a hunting knife I saw in a sporting goods store once.

They call it The Skinner.

Another bad sign.

Under his arm he's carrying a folded up copy of The Post.

Real bad sign.

At 59th street a couple of kids get on selling candy. Milky Way, Hershey Bars, Skittles. They start moving up the aisle talking loudly about getting uniforms for their basketball team. Riders begin to grumble. They don't appreciate the intrusion.

The kids are heading right for The Skinner.

The Skinner licks his lips and his fingers begin to twitch.

The Skinner steps into the aisle to confront them. They are not intimidated. All of them are soon face-to-face.

The Skinner looks at the kids. The kids look at The Skinner. Nobody moves. Nobody blinks. Nobody breathes.

The train pulls into the 68th street station.

The Skinner's hand moves toward his belt. The kids tense up.

The Skinner speaks.

"Skittles," he says, pulling a crumpled dollar bill from his jeans pocket.

The kids give him his Skittles, the Skinner gives them the dollar, all three exit the car.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Barber, Please!

2008-06-01T22:00:00.000-04:00

I went to my neighborhood barbershop the other day for a periodic trimming.

It is interesting to me to see how fussy younger men seem to be about their hair. They'll go on endlessly about how short in the back, how close around the ears, how long at the sideburn. I've always found it difficult to describe exactly how I want my hair cut. Maybe it's generational, but usually "Like this, only shorter" is about as descriptive as I get.

That's why I like to go to my barber, Gregor. He's been cutting my hair for many years and by now knows what I want without my saying anything. Like a bartender familiar with a regular patron's favorite drink - "The usual?" - he knows just how I like it.

So I was disconcerted when I entered the shop and didn't see Gregor. A stranger had taken his place.

"Is Gregor not in today?" I asked hopefully.

"Gregor not work here anymore," barked the stranger in an accent vaguely reminiscent of an Ian Fleming villian. "You need haircut? I cut."

He rather forcefully guided me to the chair which suddenly had taken on the aura of a waterboarding table. "How you like?" he demanded.

"Uh, like this, only shorter?" I stammered.

"Like this, only shorter..." he muttered in disgust, then started to spit on the floor before remembered where he was.

"So, what happened to Gregor?"

"I buy shop. He not here now. End of story." The more he spoke, the more he sounded like a KGB agent. "My son is barber now. He here in afternoon."

He snipped away for a while humming what may or may not have been the Soviet National Anthem. He seemed to know what he was doing, though, so I sat quietly and hoped he didn't cut off my ear as a souvenir.

After a few minutes of silence he whispered "Your old barber is watching." I could see in the mirror that he was looking out the front window. "Across street."

I couldn't turn my head at that moment because he had a straight razor pressed against my neck, so we both sat there frozen for a few seconds. "I hope there no trouble." he said, and returned to trimming my short hairs which were now standing up very nicely. I had a the sinking feeling that I had wandered into the motion picture "Eastern Promises".

How far, I mused, would a barber go to protect his "turf"?

He finished up quickly and pulled me out of the chair. "You go now," he said while collecting his fee ($2 less that Gregor charged, I noted.)

"Is there a back way?" I asked, looking in the mirror to inspect what turned out to be a highly satisfactory haircut.

"No," he said, shaking his head sadly. "No back way."

"Okay, then, see you later," I said as I made my exit.

"Maybe", I heard him saying to himself. "Maybe."

As I walked into the bright sun of a gorgeous Manhattan afternoon, I squinted across the street to see if I could spot Gregor. When I didn't see him I turned to go home and ran right into --- Gregor!!!!

"Uh, Uh, Hi! How are you?" I tried to sound as upbeat and non-betrayal as I could.

I smiled.

He didn't smile.

He just kept shifting his eyes accusingly from me to the barber shop. We stood there uncomfortably for a moment. Then I broke.

"I didn't want a haircut. He made me. He pushed me into the chair. I fought and fought, but..." I noticed his hand going into his jacket pocket.

This is it, I thought. Brought down in my prime. By a haircut.

"Here," he said, holding out a business card. "I work here, now."

I took a look at the card. It listed another barber shop around the corner. "Sure, great. This is great." The relief in my quavering voice was palpable. "Next time."

"Yes," he said pointedly. "Next time."

He started to go, then looked back and pointed to my head. "Like this, right? Only shorter."

South Pacific - One More Time

2008-05-25T14:37:00.005-04:00

Apropos of our recent conversation about Rodgers and Hammerstein here is a wonderful op-ed piece that appeared in today's New York Times.

Gifted Thoughts

2008-05-19T08:50:00.001-04:00

Today I wandered over to my local bookshop to buy a birthday present for a good friend of mine. He's a big baseball fan which usually makes it easy to find a gift, but this time I decided to get him something in a more literary vein.

“Want a gift receipt?” asked the clerk as I prepared to check out. He was a young man with long hair and an intelligent looking nose.

That's right, I often judge people by the shape of their nose. Call me a nasalist, but there it is.

Since I was distracted by a magazine cover showing Britney Spears getting out of a car, I didn’t quite hear him. “Excuse me?” I asked.

“A gift receipt. You know, for when they want to return it.”

“Don’t you mean if they want to return it,” I said, as I reconsidered the copy of Anna Karenina which lay accusingly on the counter.

“Yeah, right." He also glanced at the book. "If they want to return it."

“Uh, just a sec,” I said, grabbing the Tolstoy tome and quickly retreating to the Sports section.

If only Leo had written more about the Yankees…

I don’t remember getting gift receipts when I was a kid. We weren't exactly poor, but we weren’t rich either so any gift I got was welcome and unquestioned. Even as an adult I don’t recall returning presents, other than an unfortunate pair of green argyle socks I once received from a presumably color blind aunt.

I don’t know whether this reluctance to return a gift is generational, cultural, or geographical. It seems more common in the East, but I've only lived in New York as an adult.

As far as it being a rich man, poor man thing, I don’t want to get into class warfare but it does seem that if you have a lot you might be a bit more picky about the things you are given.

One thing I like about posting to this web log, though, is that in the blogosphere there are no exchanges allowed.

Once you read a blog, it’s yours to keep.

No Talking!!!!

2008-05-13T17:40:00.001-04:00

I am not a shy man nor am I a prude, but among the things that I find extremely annoying are men who insist on talking at the public urinal.

This morning in a restroom located in a bookstore I frequent I was minding my own "business" (if you know what I mean) when a young fellow stepped up beside me, unzipped, and said in a loud and, in my opinion, overly gregarious voice "How's it going?" An innocent enough question when asked at the produce stand, say, or bus stop, but which before the porcelain altar takes on a tone of near blasphemy.

"Not bad," I muttered, thankful that at least he had not inquired about how anything was hanging.

"Man!" he exclaimed, startling me and my bladder, "I never had to take a leak so bad!" The sound of his stream filled the air. "Ahhhhhh!" he moaned.

I focused my concentration on a feeble attempt to dilate my traumatized urethra.

"All done!" he announced as he backed away and started to zip up. He turned, looked at himself in the mirror over the sink, decided everything was perfect, and headed for the door. "Okay, man. You have a nice day," he crowed as he left, neglecting to wash his hands.

I carefully pulled up my own zipper, walked over to the sink, and was washing up when another man exited from one of the stalls and joined me.

"What a loudmouth," he said. I smiled wryly at him in the mirror. "Yep," I said.

We washed our hands in silence for a few seconds.

"Whew!" he exhaled loudly. "Man, did I have to take a dump!!!"

Some Not So Enchanted Evening

2008-05-05T20:15:00.000-04:00

Well, my recent post about the Rodgers and Hammerstein revue I attended seems to have generated quite a bit of response, especially from one Ms. Tallulah Morehead. Despite the fact that I happen to live in New York City, Birthplace of The American Musical Theater, Ms. Morehead seems to think that I have little or no understanding of The Broadway Show Tune.

Well, let me say this: If I wanted to see a bunch of Rodgers and Hammerstein musicals and the analyze them to death - I WOULDN'T HAVE GONE TO A REVUE!!!!

Fact is, I was just looking to hear some jolly tunes and see some attractive young people sing them. Therefore, my revue review (to coin a phrase) was based on that experience, not on exposure to full fledged productions of 10 or 12 R&H shows.

Now, about the songs. Although I'm sure Ms. Morehead considers her interpretations valid within her rather dark view of humanity, I would offer these alternate views:

"Hello Young Lovers" features an older woman (How Old? My age? Ms. Morehead's age? Is there anyone Ms. Morehead's age?) looking back upon her life reflected in the light of a young couple's blossoming love. She is filled with the joy of the love she has known in her life, and joyful for the journey of love these youngsters are about to embark upon. When she sings "All of my memories are happy tonight..." she doesn't add "...because I'm dried-up, old, and alone." does she, Ms. Morehead?

And "If I Loved You" is not, as you say, a tease, Madame. It is the plaintive cry of someone who is in love but can't admit it. The "If" is an ironic "If". Truth be told, she is so in love that she fears to acknowledge it, fears that it can only lead to the difficulties expressed in the song. Of course the lyrics belie these fear. If words, indeed, "wouldn't come in an easy way" the song would go like this:

"If I loved you, words wouldn't come in an easy way
I'd prolly go 'round in, um, you know, like, circles 'n' stuff."

Finally, "Something Wonderful" has always had a special place in my heart because it's message - Most of the time he's a royal screw-up, but occasionally he does something right - is pretty much the story of my life (as any regular reader of this effort will attest.) I mean, really,

"He will not always say
What you would have him say,
But now and then he'll do
Something
Wonderful"

isn't quite the same as

"He'll beat you every day
And steal your hard earned pay,
'Cause in the end he just
Wants to
Abuse you, gal."

#

However, Ms. Morehead's critique has made me realize one thing. In the face of such whithering criticism, I feel the only decent thing for me to do is renounce my title as Mr. Theater.

From now on I will be known, in many circles, as Mr. Occasionally He Does Something Right.

Some Enchanted Evening

2008-04-29T22:29:00.003-04:00

The other night my wife and I visited the basement of a local church to see the Rodgers & Hammerstein retrospective “A Grand Night for Singing”. Tickets were reasonably priced and it promised to be a night filled with many memorable tunes.

As I browsed the program while waiting for the show to begin I noticed one of the actors had appeared in a production of White Christmas. This is one of my favorite movies, starring Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen.

“I didn’t know there was a stage version of White Christmas,” I mentioned to my wife.

“Well, I guess there is.”

“I’m pretty familiar with musicals, and I wasn’t aware of it,” I replied, perhaps a bit more snootily that I should have.

“Oh, you’re pretty familiar with musicals, eh?” She sounded skeptical.

“In many circles I’m known as ‘Mr. Theater’,” I said.

She may have muttered something about “Mr. Idiot”, but I couldn’t hear clearly because the show was starting.

It was a fine production. They covered all the Rodgers & Hammerstein classics. It was like a jukebox musical, only the jukebox was from 1953.

The songs were sequenced to represent the path that love takes, from the hopeful optimism of “Hello, Young Lovers” to the self conscious doubt of “If I Loved You” to the settled familiarity of “Something Wonderful”. I was also happy to hear “I Have Dreamed” because this particular number was sung at Mr. and Mrs. Theater’s wedding.

I have a small quibble with the change of “Oh, What A Beautiful Morning” to a minor key, since it made Curly sound a little like a serial killer, but otherwise the performances were outstanding.

Afterwards, while walking home, my wife said “Well, what did you think?”

“I thought it was great, but I wish they had sung that song about walking down the street in your neighborhood.”

“You mean ‘On The Street Where You Live’?”

“Yeah. I really like that song.”

“Yes, it’s a lovely song. Too bad it’s by Lerner and Loewe, not Rodgers and Hammerstein.”

Then she added, unnecessarily, I thought, “Mr. Theater”.

A, B, C, D...

2008-04-26T22:55:00.001-04:00

The other day I was signing up for a class at the local CUNY campus. This was a class in financial planning and I was looking forward to learning how rich people manage their money, just in case I get some one day.

As I added my name to the sign up sheet I took satisfaction in the notice at the top saying “Attendees will be admitted in alphabetical order.”

I've always felt pretty good about my position in the alphabetical scheme of things. My last name starts with D which is fine with me. Far enough from the A's to prevent me from having to sit right up front, yet, at 4 of 26, still in the respectable 85th percentile.

I can't imagine the pressure that must be felt by someone named, say, Aaron Aarne. Just think: no matter where you go, no matter what you do, you’re going to sit in the front row and when attendance is taken it's going to be your name they call first.

It makes me shudder.

As we started to line up to enter the lecture hall a young girl with a clipboard asked me to point out my name on the sign up sheet. When I did, she said “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to go to the back of the line.”

“What? No, look. I’m in the D’s.” I pointed frantically at the clipboard, then my heart sank.

Somehow, on the sign up sheet I had put my last name in the first name column, and my first name in the last name column. Worse yet I had speedily scrawled my first name so instead of "Jim" it looked like I had written "Zim".

"This is a mistake. My name starts with D," I sputtered.

"Yes, it does," she said patiently, "but we go by the last name, Mr. Zim."

"No, no, no. What happened is I put my first name ..."

"Hurry it up, Zee-boy," said a rather surly man standing behind me. "End of the line."

"But I..." I started to protest when a stoop shouldered, slightly built man with oily black hair and a pale complexion took my arm. "Don't bother arguin'", he said wearily. "Just come on back." He slowly shuffled me back to the end of the line.

"Zachary Z. Zygby." he introduced himself. The flickering florescent lighting cast a greenish tinge to his sallow skin.

"I'm Jim...” I began.

"Jim Zim?" he queried. "Interesting name."

"No, no, no. What happened was..." I began, and then gave up. Why bother? I had to face facts. I was in the Z ghetto.

"I guess you've been put at the end of a lot of lines, eh?" I asked.

"Enough." He sighed. "Enough to last a lifetime."

"Well," I said, philosophically, "at lease you haven’t given up. You keep going on even when you know the true sting of alphabetical bias."

“You must think I’m a fool.”

“Not at all”. I put an encouraging hand on his arm. "In fact, I think you deserve an 'A' for effort."

The Big 4 Or 6 - 0

2008-04-21T21:32:00.001-04:00

There is a new reality show coming up called The Big 4-0 in which participants who are approaching the age of 40 engaging in activities designed to demonstrate that they are not approaching the age of 40.

Since I have recently completed three score years of life, I was wondering why they don't do the same thing for people approaching the age of 60.

What might people do when facing the big 6-0?

Based on my recent history I'd say one important thing to do is to file for unemployment, because even if you're not unemployed at the present, you soon will be.

I still can't believe those bastards fired me!

Another thing to do would be to start shopping for an good analgesic, because there is one thing about Sixty that is undeniable.

It hurts.

Whenever I see one of those movies where an older person and a younger person trade bodies, I always think the first thing the younger person should say is "Ow! My knees. For God's sake, what's wrong with my knees!!!!".

Another plan: Eat Meat. Eat a lot of meat. While there is still time.

Some pundits say that 60 is the new 40.

These pundits have never been 60.

Papal PR

2008-04-17T15:25:00.000-04:00

Coinciding with The Pope's visit to the United States the Vatican announced today that the Public Relations firm The Seraphim Group has been engaged to help present His Holiness to the American public.

Advance man Hugo O'Malley has been assigned to helicopter into a venue a few hours before the arrival of the Pontiff and greet the people who have come to see Pope Benedict XVI.

Mr. O'Malley, who lost an eye in an industrial accident, will follow his greetings with a flourish of his own composition which he will play on his solo trumpet.

It is beleived that Mr. O'Malley is the first one eyed, one horned, flying Papal people greeter.

Live blog of Papal landing at Andrews Airforce Base

2008-04-15T16:32:00.002-04:00

4:07 PM EDT - The plane has landed and finished a long taxi to the mobile exit stairway. The Pope still hasn’t gotten off the plane. Seems to be a long wait. I wonder if he’s finishing his cocktail or something?

4:12 PM - Here comes president Bush and Mrs. Bush to greet the Pope, who still hasn’t gotten off the plane. While waiting the President has begun to dance a bit, doing a little soft shoe routine. And…..Wait, here comes the Pope! He’s at the bottom of the stairway. He is shaking the President’s hand. When is he going to kiss the runway? Hey, Benedict! Kiss the tarmac! C’mon, Holiness. Smack the ‘mac. Nope, he’s not gonna do it. And I thought he was one of those traditional Popes.

4:17 PM - Now he’s greeting some Cardinals – I think I see Stan Musial and Ozzie Smith – and he’s walking past the honor guard. He’s waving to the crowd and speaking to the President. The President looks confused. All is normal.

4:18 PM - There’s a pretty good looking blond walking with Mrs. Bush. Wonder who she is? Oh, she’s taking a swig from a bottle of Grey Goose. Must be one of the twins.

4:19 PM - The Pope is walking into the arrival building and standing by the luggage carousel which hasn’t begun moving yet.

4:22 PM - Still waiting for his luggage.

4:36 PM - A man with an official looking hat is approach the Pontiff and whispering in his ear. Benedict looks upset.

4:39 PM - Man in hat is struck by lightning.

4:45 PM - Apparently they’ve lost the Pope’s luggage.

4:47 PM – Pope goes to newsstand and picks up a toothbrush and mini-tube of Crest for $18.75.

4:53 PM – Pope waits at curb for his limousine, which has been forced to move because the white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only, no waiting.

5:12 PM – After circling the parking lot a few times the limo pulls up and Pope and President get in for ride to Air Force Base Marriott.

5:13 PM - Man in singed hat chases limo pushing luggage cart with several pieces of luggage and topped by a very impressive mitre.

Snore War

2008-04-15T13:15:00.002-04:00

My wife insists that I've been snoring lately but of course she's wrong. I don't snore. Once in a while I might breath heavily, but snore? I don't think so.

However her illusion has lead her to prod me at night and mutter "Roll over" or some other directive ("Quiet", "Move", "Lay on your stomach"). I always do my best to humor her.

This morning, however, there was a gross miscarriage of justice. Our clock radio went off at 7:00 as usual and the NPR station to which we like to wake was running a story about, I think, hog farms in China. It is common in these radio news features for the reporter to include some ambient sound in the story to give it a sense of place. In this case the ambient sound was that of hundreds of hogs grunting and grumbling as they fed on their daily portion of slop.

"Roll over", I heard the love of my life growl sleepily.

"Hey", I protested. "That wasn't me."

"Yeah, right", she replied as she settled in for a few more winks.

"No, really..." but by now I could tell she was back to sleep because of her slow, steady breathing.

Actually, I think her breathing is getting to be just a little bit heavy.

50 Plus

2008-04-11T14:30:00.002-04:00

I got a picture postcard announcing the "11th Annual 50 Plus Expo - Forever Young".

As far as I'm concerned, the fact that it was a picture postcard pretty much shouts "50 PLUS!!!!".

Since I recently entered my 5th decade - okay, who snickered at "recently"? - I seem to have drawn the attention of a vast number of people who are interested in my being Forever Young. It's one of those ironies of life that the older you are the younger you want to be.

Anyway, as I looked over this missive I notice a few things that I found somewhat disturbing.

First of all there seems to be an inordinate amount of fiber involved in being Forever Young. As far as I'm concerned "The Magical Prune" does not deserve it's own workshop. It might be more appropriate as a bedtime story for children with accelerated aging disease.

Also there seem to be quite a few spokespeople involved in this Expo, including "Former Miami Dolphins Hall Of Fame Coach" Don Shula and "NFL Hall Of Fame Quarterback" Bart Starr, who confesses to being "a paid endorser". I never really understood the allure of spokespeople - Hall Of Fame or otherwise - but at least I can respect the ethics of someone who confessed to being a paid endorser. No subterfuge there. "You pay me, I endorse you. Simple as that. HIKE!"

I might have been interested in the "50+ Singles" seminar. Although I'm not single, I've always wondered how those dating websites work. Having been married long before the Internet appeared, my only exposure to the online singles scene has been TV commercials for eHarmony.com or Match.com or that one Eliot Spitzer belongs to.
The 50+ Singles meeting was to be run by TERRI SLOANE - M.S. - Forever Young Matchmaker /Dating Coach. Well, sorry Ms. Sloane, but if I planned to use a Dating Coach, I'd go with Don Shula, the Hall Of Famer.

Finally this announcement shocked me: "Spotlight on shingles: Know what you can do."

Well, I can tell you what you can do about shingles.

Don't put a spotlight on it.

Grief, Quantified

2008-04-07T15:00:00.001-04:00

Several people have asked me "So where's the blog been, Jim?"

The fact is I lost my job and have been pretty busy looking for a new one.

It's tough to lose a job.

To admit you've been let go.

Terminated.

Fired.

Asked to leave.

Downsized.

You name it.

It occurs to me that losing a job is like losing a friend. A friend that you maybe didn't like too much, maybe was a little boring. But someone you had gotten used to.

When you lose a friend you grieve, and the same thing happens when you lose a job.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying" (thank you, Wikipedia) says there are 5 stages of grief.

1. Denial (I can't believe they fired me.)

2. Anger (I can't believe those FUCKING BASTARDS fired me!!!)

3. Bargaining (Hey, maybe if I take a pay cut...)

4. Depression (You know, I really kinda miss that job...)

5. Acceptance (I can't believe those GODDAMN FUCKING BASTARDS fired me!!!!!)

Okay, so I haven't quite gotten to the Acceptance part yet.

Things For Which I Am Thankful

2007-11-22T11:00:00.000-05:00

My beautiful wife.

My handsome sons.

My good health

George W. Bush's remaining time in office: 424 days.

Days until my next day of thanks: 371

George W. Bush's remaining time in office on my next day of thanks: 53 days.

Thoughts On Some Recently Indicted Sports Figures

2007-11-16T14:13:00.001-05:00




Sports Figure  Indicted for            Thoughts
-------------  ----------------------  -------------------------------
Michael Vick   Dog Fighting            Hey, nobody died.
Barry Bonds    Obstruction of Justice  Hey, nobody died.
O.J. Simpson   Armed Robbery           Hey, nobody died.  
                                       This time.

A Bridge To The Past

2007-11-14T08:52:00.000-05:00

When Norman Mailer died I thought of two of his books, Miami and the Siege of Chicago and Armies of the Night. Both of these are about politics, the Vietnam War, and the Age of Protest.

What I like to call My Youth.

In those day people took to the streets to confront their government when their government got bogged down in an ill-conceived war that seemed to have no end in sight. We rallied, we marched, we protested.

"Hell no, we won't go!"

"One, two, three, four! We don't want your fucking war!."

"Hey, hey, LBJ! How many kids did you kill today?"

Those were the days.

Today I read about some Bridge Players who were being disciplined because they held up a sign at a tournament reading "We didn't vote for Bush."

"We didn't vote for Bush." Pretty radical.

Now they are being accused of treason and sedition.

So here we are, four and a half years into another ill-conceived war with no end in sight.

And the only people protesting belong not to the Students for a Democratic Society or the Youth International Party, but to the American Contract Bridge League?

What does that say about our country?

Polls say most Americans don't support the war. So where are they?

I guess they decided to pass this hand.

On The Death Of Norman Mailer

2007-11-11T17:16:00.000-05:00

He was fugging brilliant!

Ronald Reagan Library Mystery

2007-11-08T12:27:00.000-05:00

From the Associated Press:

"The Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and Museum can't locate or account for tens of thousands of valuable mementos of Reagan's White House years, according to a published report.
"An audit by the National Archives inspector general concluded that the library in Simi Valley was unable to properly account for more than 80,000 objects out of its collection of some 100,000 artifacts"

I wonder: Has anyone contacted O.J.?

Marathon thoughts

2007-11-04T19:26:00.001-05:00

I'm fortunate enough to live in New York City and near enough to First Avenue that each year I can walk on over and watch the Marathoners go by. It's like a big party and a chance for New Yorkers to join together in celebration.

This year, however, I noticed that several runners were carrying signs promoting commercial web sites, and a couple were wearing shirts advertising newly release motion pictures, and one person was even giving out free samples of some protein bar to the onlookers.

I find this trend disturbing.

I just don't feel it is right to commercialize the New York City Marathon

Congressional Math

2007-10-19T11:20:00.000-04:00

I was somewhat dismayed to see that the House Of Representatives had not overridden President Bush’s veto of the Children’s Healthcare bill. This was a bill that would have extended child healthcare benefits to families at higher income levels.

Republicans were outraged because they felt that rich families should pay for their own healthcare. As one Republican lawmaker put it “If this passes families making $60,000 a year would qualify for child healthcare.”

My question is this: Is a family making $60,000 a year rich?

I suppose to a family of 4 making $20,650 a year (the official poverty level) $60,000 seems rich. But to a Congressman making $165,200 a year? That's nearly $85 an hour based on a 40 hour work week. Oh, right. This is Congress. Better make that a 4 hour work week. $850 an hour.

When you think about it $60,000 isn’t even enough to buy a house.

$60,000 isn’t enough to put your kid through college.

An for sure $60,000 isn’t enough to buy a Congressman.

Elizabeth

2007-10-14T00:15:00.000-04:00

I recently attended a screening of the movie Elizabeth: The Golden Age and I must say it was a ripping yarn. In the film Her Majesty got rid of a Scottish usurper, beat up a pregnant rival in romance, and defeated the Spanish Armada.

All this action and bravery reminded me of another British hero.

###

Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth I, gazed across the green blaze of the Baccarat table and slowly drew on the Galois that was poise between her royal fingers. She exhaled the bluish smoke through her nostrils and took a sip of the Haig & Haig that the waiter had conveniently placed in front of her substantial pile of casino markers. She gazed directly at the dealer, and then at the Spanish Ambassador who sat a bit to her left.

"Banco", she said.

"You will burn in Hell for this, Madame...." sputtered the the Ambassador.

"Elizabeth." she answered calmly. "Queen Elizabeth."

"Better known as Agent 00I," muttered a quiet voice behind her. She turned to see Pope Pius V staring at her darkly, the scar across his cheek glowing bright red.

"We meet again, Pius. How's the arm?"

The Pontiff stretched his right arm away from his body. "Well enough, double-oh-The-First. Well enough...to do this!" He tore the mitre from his head and flung it at Her Royal Highness with remarkable agility.

The Queen dove for the floor as the razor sharp edge of the starched cloth headgear sailed an inch and a half from her jugular. "Not bad, Your Eminence," she said as she shoulder-rolled onto her haunches. "Now have a taste of this." She smoothly drew the crown - custom made for her by Christie's in Bleak Street - from her auburn locks and cast it toward the man who had been her nemesis for so many years.

Clutching his throat where two of the seven prongs had penetrated his esophagus and windpipe, the Holy Father gurgled quietly while slumping to the floor. Elizabeth slowly walked over, retrieved the golden headpiece, wiped the blood on the prostrate potentate's chasuble, and re-set it on her head.

"Well, I guess you could say this was my Crowning Achievement," she said as she returned to her seat at the table.

"Now, Armando. Where were we? Ah,Yes". She withdrew another Galois from the bodice of her gown and lit it with the gunmetal Ronson she kept for such purposes. She stared at the Spanish Ambassador for a moment and then smiled.

"Banco".

Campaign Song For A Major Presidential Candidate

2007-10-11T13:36:00.001-04:00

Click on the play button to hear the song.

© All rights reserved

America's Mayor Seeks Understanding

2007-09-28T13:09:00.000-04:00

Presidential Candidate and former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani said in an interview that some people were being too judgmental about his personal life, especially the fact that he has been married three times. In seeking a more understanding attitude he cited the biblical story of the prostitute who was brought before Jesus to be stoned to death. “Let you who are without sin cast the first stone,” said Our Savior as the accusers slunk away.

Later, when polling showed that this position was costing him votes, Giuliani said his position on the stoning of prostitutes had evolved. “Since 9-11 I don’t think we can take any chances with prostitutes or other terrorists,” said Giuliani at the annual convention of the National Prostitute Stoners Association. “We’ve got to stone them, and stone them hard, before they start stoning us.”

Future Tense

2007-09-26T13:29:00.000-04:00

The Department of Homeland Security has asked a group of science fiction writers to try to predict what steps terrorists might take in the future to attack our country. Some scoff at this idea, but I think past history has proven that science fiction has been remarkably accurate at predicting the future.

Who can forget the classic Twilight Zone story "City on the Edge of Whatever" which predicted a future in which America's youth become inarticulate grunters with a vocabulary of 5-7 words and who begin each sentence with "'sup?" and can only speak to each other using the single mantra "dude".

Or Robert Heinlein's beloved novel "Stranger in a Strange Job" about a dumb-but-lovable governor who wakes up one morning to find he has mysteriously become The President of the United States.

And the uncannily prescient Star Trek episode, The Trouble With Bloggers which posits a future where thousands of relentlessly replicating life forms continually spew forth meaningless verbiage on an unsuspecting populous.

Scary stuff. I just hope we can heed the warnings before it's too late.

Adieu, Marcel, Adieu

2007-09-24T09:58:00.000-04:00

I was saddened to see that the great mime Marcel Marceau passed way over the weekend. Words cannot express the magnitude of his talent.

A sampling of some comment about his passing and his life:

From the New York Mimes:

And from the Wall Streetmime Journal:

For more information go to

http://www.      .com

A Question For America's Mayor

2007-04-27T09:35:00.000-04:00

Recently former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani suggested that if a Democrat is elected President, America would suffer another 9/11 type attack. He feels that Democrats aren't capable of making the intelligent decisions necessary to protect this country from terrorists.

I have a question, Mr. Mayor.

You ran for Mayor of New York City as a Republican. New York is overwhelmingly Democratic. In fact without thousands of Democratic votes you would not have been elected Mayor - twice.

Do you still feel that Democrats are unable to make an intelligent decision?

I-Steps for the I-Man

2007-04-15T15:49:00.000-04:00

"My name is Don and I'm a shock-jock."

"HI, DON!"

"Don, why don't you tell us when was the last time you made an insensitive remark."

"Well, Howard, I've been sensitive for several days now."

"That's good news..."

"CONGRATULATIONS, DON!"

"That's good news, Don. How has it been going?"

"I'm just taking it one day at a time, Howard. One freaking day at a time..."

"And, Don, tell us what steps you have taken to stay clean and sensitive."

"First I had to admit that I was powerless to resist being crude and insensitive."

"How powerless, Don?"

"Well, I guess about as powerless as a one-armed paper hanger, Howard. Then I came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity."

"And who was that greater power?"

"The Reverend Al Sharpton."

"And did a power greater than yourself restore you to sanity?"

"Not really. I'm going from here to the unemployment office."

"So have you learned anything from this experience."

"Yes. I learned a little prayer that I recommend to shock-jocks everywhere. It goes like this:

'God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot insult;
courage to insult the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.'"

"AMEN, DON!"

"Oh, shut the f&*# up."

An Unbiased View Of The Don Imus Controversy

2007-04-12T10:50:00.000-04:00

So, we can still make fun of The Swiss, right?

Sherlock Holmes - Part 2

2007-04-04T08:39:00.000-04:00

My recent posting about Sherlock Holmes generated quite a bit of interest, and made me wonder what it would be like for Arthur Conan Doyle to sell the idea today.

"Come on in, Art. I'm Sid Tishman, deputy sub assistant for project acquisitions. Whaddya got for me?"

"Well, it's the story of a private consulting detective..."

"Private eye, eh? Not bad. Right now there's only Monk, and he's a little too eccentric for my taste. Your guy isn't eccentric, is he?"

"Well, he plays the violin..."

"We'll lose that in a hurry. Unless we can build some kind of weapon into the violin. Yeah! That'll work. A violin with an automatic weapon in it. 'Stradivarius, P.I.' What do you think?"

"Actually, his name is Sherlock Holmes."

"Sherlock Holmes? Sounds like a burglar alarm. Holmes isn't bad, though. But Chad Holmes, maybe. 'There's No Place Like Holmes. P.I.' What do you think? Chad Holmes and his sexy assistant, Brandie."

"Dr. Watson."

"What?"

"His assistant is named Dr. Watson."

"Nah, nah, nah. That won't work. There's already too many medical shows. You got your House, your ER, your Grey's...Plus our new reality show Who Wants To Take Out My Kidney. Nope, no medical. How about we make it Brandie Watson?"

"I don't know about..."

"Good! Now, can he see ghosts?"

"Ghosts?"

"It's the latest. Crime busting clairvoyant ghost chasers. Can he do that?"

"There was a hound once that was rather spectral."

"Spectral! I love it! 'Spectral Stradivarius, P.I.' They'll eat it up."

"Look, old fellow, I'm not at all sure..."

"It's a done deal. I'll have my people get in touch with your people and we'll go from there."

Do You Have Any Last Words Before Paying Your Fine?

2007-03-28T16:27:00.000-04:00

ITT, a top manufacturer of our military's most sophisticated weaponry, has put in jeopardy US wartime tactical advantages by sharing some classified technology with foreign governments.

"There was a culture at this company where they actively and willfully worked to circumvent the U.S. laws to increase profits," said a Justice Department spokesman.

For this behavior - selling military secrets to a foreign government - ITT will suffer the swift and harsh punishment of...

A hefty fine.

Well, not exactly swift punishment. This all took place in March of 2001. They just got around to issuing the fine a couple of days ago.

Not exactly harsh, either. The fine will be suspended for five years.

That ought to teach them.

A FINE?!!!

What happened to a firing squad?

Countdown To Perpwalk Game

2007-03-27T08:31:00.000-04:00

Enter the number of days until you ~~hope~~ think the following will show up on TV in handcuffs, orange jump suits, and leg shackles:

~~Lewis I. "Scooter" Libby~~	In Custody
Alberto Gonzales
Karl Rove
Donald Rumsfeld
Dick Cheney
George W. Bush
~~Victor "Macho Man" Willis~~	In Custody

Bad Career Move

2007-03-26T10:17:00.000-04:00

I read in the paper that Victor "Macho Man" Willis, the singer who dressed as a policeman in the disco band the Village People, has been arrested after a woman who identified herself as his girlfriend told the police he had choked her and threatened her with a knife.

Come on, Victor. Don't be stupid. This is just the kind of thing that could ruin your career!

I mean, a girlfriend?

Sherlock Holmes

2007-03-23T13:43:00.000-04:00

I have been a big fan of Sherlock Holmes since junior high school so I was pretty excited to see a news story about a new Holmes motion picture that was being planned.

Excited, that is, until I read this toward the end of the story:

"...the plan is to play up Holmes' adventuresome side -- boxing, swordplay and, perhaps, aptitude on the violin -- rather than the intellectual influence placed on his sleuthing by creator Arthur Conan Doyle."

So I guess I can look forward to a new, improved, ass-kickin', sword-fightin', fiddle-playin' detective.

How inconsiderate of Doyle to place an "intellectual influence" on his creation.

Fortunately that's not something we have to worry about these days.

Just ask Karl Rove.

Presidential Support

2007-03-20T12:38:00.000-04:00

Today President Bush personally called Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and "reaffirmed his strong backing of the attorney general and his support for him" according to an assistant White House press secretary.

Mr. Bush then added this personal note of encouragement: "Gonzie, you're doing a heck of a job."

I guess we all know what that means.

Gonzie, you're as good as gone.

The Phantom Of The Opera

2007-03-16T12:26:00.000-04:00

Last weekend the weather warmed up so I thought a nice drive in the country was in order. My wife and I piled into the car and headed for the Pocono Mountains of Eastern Pennsylvania.

While driving through the countryside I noticed a sign promoting a local theater’s production of The Phantom of the Opera, one of my favorite shows. I decided it would be fun to experience an “out of town” effort and see how it compared with the New York and London productions I had seen.

When we got to the theater I suppose I should have suspected that something was wrong when I noticed that the other patrons were all dressed up as characters from the show - some as The Phantom, some as Christine, some as Raoul, and one confused young man as Dr. Dr. Frank-N-Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. In fact my wife and I were the only ones wearing “civvies”.

Despite a smallish orchestra consisting of drums, guitar, and violin we were enjoying the show pretty well until the middle of the first act - the part where The Phantom, having taken Christine to his underground lair, is explaining the layout. Suddenly, in the middle of the song, the actor playing the Phantom turned to the audience and shouted “Sing it with me, people!"

He then began clapping his hands as he sang "And in this labyrinth…”.

My wife and I were stunned, but not as stunned as when the audience bellowed back “THE PHAAAAAAANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THERE – INSIDE YOUR MIIIIIIND!”

Apparently we had wandered into a production of Sing-a-long Phantom.

I had heard of a sing-a-long version of the motion picture Sound Of Music, and my DVD copy of Grease has sing-a-long lyrics for several of the tunes, but this was something new.

I will give the audience credit, though. They were a feisty and dedicated bunch who gave it all they had. Unfortunately, some of the trickier arias were beyond the capabilities of the Eastern Pennsylvania soprano.

It might have sounded better coming from Tony Soprano.

The Phantom himself was a cross between Robert Preston and Pete Seeger, prompting the audience with the lyrics while trumpeting away with his own quite accomplished baritone:

(spoken quickly) "Come-to-me-angel-of-music"
(sung with audience) "Come to me angel of muuuuusic."
(spoken) "I-am-your-angel-of-music"
(sung) "I am your angel of muuuuusic"

Later in the car on the way home I was, if not singing out loud, certainly at least humming. "Hmm hmm hmm THE MUSIC OF THE NIIIIGHT".

"Oh, for crying out loud...", my wife complained.

"Don't you mean 'for singing out loud'?" I replied, then added "ONLY YOU CAN MAKE MY SONG TAKE FLIIIIGHT."

She smiled, turned to me, and sang, in her excellent contralto, "THAT'S ENOUGH OF MUSIC FOR TONIIIIGHT!"

A Special Birthday

2007-03-13T15:20:00.000-04:00

Today is the birthday of the man who invented carbonated water

So happy birthday to chemist Joseph Priestly, LL.D, F.R.S, born in Birstall, Yorkshire on this day in 1733.

Mr. Priestly is also the first person to use the phrase "Bring it up again. We'll vote on it".

The Quotations Of Chairman Cheney

2007-03-12T12:41:00.000-04:00

Vice President Dick Cheney recently said anti-war lawmakers in Congress are "undermining" U.S. troops in Iraq by trying to limit President Bush's spending requests for military operations.

We should listen to this wise man. He's been right about everything so far.

About the war in Iraq: "We are, in fact, making significant progress."

About the Iraqi people: "We will, in fact, be greeted as liberators."

About Saddam Hussein: "He is, in fact, absolutely devoted to trying to acquire nuclear weapons."

About the insurgents: "They are, in fact, in the last throes of the insurgency."

About Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy: "Go, in fact, f*ck yourself."

Why The Next President Will Be A John

2007-03-09T13:24:00.000-05:00

It is a simple matter of names. There have been four presidents named John. None of the names of the other candidates even comes close.

John - 4 Presidents: John Adams, John Quincy Adams, John Tyler, and John Kennedy.

Not to mention Andrew and Lyndon Johnson

Hillary - 0 Presidents

Rudolph - 0 Presidents

Mitt - 0 Presidents

Barack - Only 1: Barack "Thomas" Jefferson

Dr. DMV

2007-03-08T14:55:00.000-05:00

I have a friend who is a doctor in a specialty for which, thankfully, I will never require treatment. We are,therefore, able to discuss medical matters not as physician and possible future patient, but as man to man.

Whenever I mention the need for some kind of national health care system, my doctor friend replies with this statement: "Sure, we can have the government run health care -- if you want your doctor's office run like the Department of Motor Vehicles."

Well, of course, no one wants their doctor's office to resemble, in any way, the DMV.

I mean, then you'd have to wait unbelievable periods of time before being seen by anyone who could do anything for you.

Wait, is that the doctor's office or the DMV we're talking about?

Could be either one, I guess.

Breaking News!

2007-03-06T13:28:00.000-05:00

A federal jury today convicted G. Gordon "Scooter" Libby of lying about his role in the 1972 break-in at the Watergate and the leak of an undercover CIA officer's identity, finding President Richard Nixon's former chief of staff guilty of two counts of perjury, one count of making false statements, one count of obstruction of justice, and one count of breaking and entering.

The verdict culminated the 35 year trial of the highest-ranking White House official to be indicted on criminal charges in modern times.

As the jury forewoman read each guilty count in a clear, solemn voice, Libby was impassive, remaining seated at the defense table while crushing lit cigarette after lit cigarette into the palm of his hand, gazing straight ahead and displaying no visible emotion. His wife, H. Harriet Libby, sat in the front row with tears in her eyes.

A few minutes after the jury was dismissed, Libby appeared coatless and shirtless outside the federal courthouse. "We intend to file a motion for a new trial," Libby said. "If that is denied, we will go for a head shot."

Get Well Soon, Mr. Vice President

2007-03-05T20:46:00.000-05:00

Hey, I see Vice President Dick Cheney has to go in the hospital for some treatment.

I've got an idea.

Let's send him to Walter Reed.

"What is your rank, soldier?"

"I happen to be Vice President of the United States."

"And do you have the paperwork to confirm that?"

"Well, no, I..."

"Alright, take a seat."

Words of comfort

2007-02-15T13:35:00.000-05:00

Since the passing of our dog we have received many, many words of comfort from our friends. I was particularly affected by this thought about pets.

"They stay as long as they can and they give you everything they have."

Thanks to everyone for their kind words.

You Old Pilot, You

2007-02-10T22:09:00.000-05:00

Transcribed from audio dictation

Okay, I'll get started in a minute as soon as I change lanes. [click-click]. Okay, start recording.

[click-click]

I'm getting a little sick and tired of the insulting [click-click] comments being made about airline pilots being allowed to [click-click] fly until they are age 65. It used to be they had to [click-click] retire when they got to be 60 but now the rules have been changed. [click-click]

Well, all I can say is [click-click] "it's about time."

But now I keep hearing lame [click-click] jokes about pilots who [click-click] go too slow at the fast altitude or demonstrate [click-click] some other driving inadequacy supposedly caused by age. [click-click]

This kind of talk is simple ageism [click-click] at its worst.

[click-click]

[click-click]

[click-click]

Sorry, I zoned out for a minute. [click-click] Now where what I? [click-click]

Oh, yes. [click-click] As a person who will soon turn 60 myself [click-click] I, for one, am glad to know that [click-click] I will still be allowed [click-click] to fly a plane. [click-click] If I knew how to fly a plane.

[click-click]

[click-click]

[click-click]

[click-click]

[click-click]

Hey, bud, quit honking that god damned horn!

[click-click]

Spike

2007-02-05T19:51:00.000-05:00

My dog, Spike, died today. There is great sadness in my household.

Here is a post about him from some time ago.

I Talk To My Dog

I admit it. I talk to my dog.

People who don't have dogs think this is a foolish exercise. Experts will tell you that dogs can't understand your words, just your tone. These are the same people who will tell you that a baby only smiles because it has gas.

I happen to know that my dog has a vocabulary of 10 words. "Spike" (his name), "kibble", "biscuit", "chicken", "cookie", "meat" (I see a pattern here), "mommy" (his one true love), "daddy" (whom he tolerates), "sit" (his only trick), and, for some reason, "Chaucer". He understands and responds to these words as distinctly as you or I.

Talking to a dog is a liberating experience. Spike listens intently and never judges what I have to say. He does yawn on occasion, but I accept that not as a commentary on the content of our conversation but as a sign of his comfort with our relationship.

Conversation with Spike is not just a one-way street, either. He talks back. Not with words but with gestures, noises, looks, and posture. For example every night after dinner he will sit on the floor next to the sofa and wait for me to scratch behind his ear. If, for some reason, I don't begin in a timely manner he will poke me with his paw. "Hey, you. It's scratching time." If I fail to respond, the poking gets more intense. "I SAID it's scratching time." Then he'll move back a bit to be sure I have a good view and plop down on the floor with a pained expression ("I am a sad, sad dog.")

Lately we've been having talks about why I have to leave him in the morning to go to work.

"Spike", I'll say, "daddy has to go to work."

"I am a sad, sad dog."

"But Spike, I must work to make money."

"How can you be so cruel?"

"So I can buy..."

"Please...don’t leave me."

"...kibble."

" 'Wenden thee then on thine pilgrymage, Sire .' "

"Was that by any chance Chaucer?"

"In truthe, woof, woof."

A Message To The People Of Boston

2007-02-01T16:39:00.000-05:00

I'm so thankful that no one was harmed by the AlQueda Teen Hunger Force!

Be Careful!

I know it is profiling but I suggest you avoid any milk shake or box of fries that is wearing a turban.

Watch the skies!

Barak Obama - RC!

2007-01-30T10:30:00.000-05:00

There was a lot of buzz going around Fox News last week about how Barak Obama attended a radical Muslim school when he was a kid. Further investigation, unsurprisingly, showed that this was not true. In fact CNN reports that from age 6 to 10 Sen. Obama spent "two years in a Muslim school and another two years in a Catholic school."

As someone who spent 12 years attending Catholic School I must say that his Muslim school attendance didn't affect me nearly as much as his Catholic education did.

I still remember the time Sister Mary Catherine accused my family of being Communists because my father didn't support The House Un-American Activities Committee. Or the time Father Horvath made me pick up 100 pieces of paper from the playground because I referred to The Holy Spirit as "That crazy bird."

Then he made me count the pieces of paper in front of him. He excluded the 20 or so cigarette butts I'd tried to sneak in, and made me go and pick up 100 more.

He never thought to ask why there were cigarette butts on the playground.

By the way, if you've never heard of The House Un-American Activities Committee count yourself lucky.

As for the Holy Spirit? Hey, I still love that crazy bird!

Hearing Test

2007-01-11T09:47:00.000-05:00

One of the downsides of the aging process is this: things you take for granted gradually don't work as well as they once did.

Recently my wife complained that I had the television turned up rather loud. I understand that this is often the first sign of hearing loss so I thought I should get a hearing test.

The audiologist's office had a small waiting room and the only other person present was an older gentleman who made at least 3 trips to the men's room in the short time we waited.

After the last visit he looked a bit chagrined and said, "Plumbing's getting old, I guess."

"Well, you know, frequent urination is not always related to age...", I began to pontificate.

"I was talking about the toilet bowl", he said, looking offended. "It's a mess." I began an attempt to recover from my faux paux, but he was called into the back for his test before I could formulate a proper explanation for being an idiot.

A few minutes later he came out from the examination area, took a step toward the restroom but, after giving me a defiant look, continued on out the door.

The audiologist was younger than I expected him to be, and, as I tried to remember that faraway time when my doctors were actually older than I was, he sat me down in a sound proof room, a little bigger than a phone booth.

As I tried to remember that faraway time when there were still phone booths he placed a pair of earphones on my head and backed out, closing the door behind him.

The booth reminded me of those quiz shows where a contestant is isolated so he could not be given any clues to the questions.

It also bore a disturbing resemblance to the gas chamber in San Quentin.

As I tried to remember that faraway time when there were still Sixty-Four Thousand Dollar Questions and justice was meted out via cyanide pellet, the earphones began producing a series of beeps and boops that I had to identify as coming from the left or right side of my head. Then I had to repeat several words that were given to me in gradually decreasing volume levels. The last two I couldn't really hear that well, but I think they were "Old timer" and "Gramps" or, possibly, "Geezer".

Finally the ordeal was over and the audiologist showed me a graph with the results of my test. It didn't make much sense and I must have looked confused because finally he just said, "All in all, I'd say you were borderline normal."

"Borderline normal, eh?" I said. "Well, doc, I know a lot of people would agree with you about that."

As I was writing out the check he started to say, "By the way, if you need to use the men's room..."

Mustering all my dignity and standing as straight as I could I looked him in the eye.

"What?"

BHO

2007-01-04T16:45:00.000-05:00

A lot has been made about Barack Obama's middle name, which happens to be Hussein. The conventional wisdom is that having such a middle name might cause him to be associated with fanatical terrorists and lynched dictators.

I suggest that rather than use his middle name he should use just his middle initial.

Barack H. Obama sounds much better than Barack Hussein Obama.

I mean it works for Jesus H. Christ, doesn't it?

The Age Of Apple

2006-12-12T12:15:00.000-05:00

According to a recent report nearly half of Mac owners are 55 and older. However an Apple spokesman took issue with the statistics, stating "Our customer data shows that only around 20 percent of Mac users are over the age of 55”.

“If you don’t believe it,” he added, “go to an Apple Store and see who is in there.”

Well, I’m over the age of 55 and, after a year and a half of satisfactory iPod performance, I’ve been considering buying a Mac. So I decided to take the Apple spokesman up on his challenge and visit my local Apple Store.

The problems started right at the door. A rather imposing young man with large, tattooed biceps bulging from a tight black tee shirt put his hand up and said “Hold it right there, bud. I’m going to have to see some ID.”

This took me by surprise so I stood there stammering for a moment until he said, "How old are you, anyway?"

Remembering the words of the Apple spokesman I panicked briefly and responded, "Uh, I, I, I'm...29." I tried to sound confident.

"Oh, really?" he questioned. "Well, then, what year were you born?"

I frantically tried to do the subtraction in my head while appearing nonchalant.

"1973?" Even I knew it sounded like a guess.

"Nice try," he smirked, then pointed to a small sign by the door that read "In order to enter these premises you must have been born on this date during or after the year 1977."

"Yeah, 1977. That's what I said."

"I don't think so, pops. Now move along and let some young people in."

"Yeah, move along," said the guy behind me. I swear, he didn't look a day under 45 but he was wearing baggy jeans, gigantic sneakers and a New York Knicks jersey that hung to his knees. An oversize baseball cap sat sideways on his head, but a few gray hairs managed to peek out from beneath it. "Yo, G. Let someone else have a chance," he grunted.

"Okay, 'G'," I replied as I slowly turned and walked away. Behind me I heard the doorman say "This doesn't even look like you, G.", then add, "Name three songs by the Black Eyed Peas."

I smiled as I continued down the street while "G" struggled to come up with an answer. Maybe I'm too old for Apple, but that Fergie? She is one Bodacious Babe.

Today In History I

2006-12-11T13:29:00.000-05:00

Dec, 11th

384: Death of St. Damascuc I, Pope

385: Death of St. Damascuc II, Pope

386: Death of St. Damascuc III, Pope

386: Future Popes decide that Damascuc is not a lucky name.

493: Death of St. Daniel the Stylite. Distant relative to St. Daniel the Styish AKA "That Saint who dresses so nice."

1192: Richard the Lion-Hearted captured near Vienna by Leopold the Ass-Face of Austria

1282: Beheading of Llywelyn ap Gruffudd, considered last legitimate Prince of Wales. Until the use of the Guillotine in the 18th century being beheaded is referred to as "being all Gruffudded up."

1475: Pope Leo X born. Mother has the foresight to name him Pope Leo X.

1620: 103 "Mayflower" pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock. Encounter 8 foot fence installed by Native Americans to keep them out.

1792: France's King Louis the 16th went before the Convention to face charges of treason. Convention issues an edict to "Gruffudd his ass".

1830: Hawaiian King Kamehameha. The Kamehameha dynasty ended with his death on Dec. 11, 1872. born. Kamehameha is the thing to say on a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day.

1844: Dr. Horace Wells, of Hartford, CT, had a tooth extracted. He became the first to receive an anesthetic for this dental procedure. Dr. Wells expresses condolences to the poor schlep who had his tooth pulled the day before.

1882: New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia born. Mother has the foresight to name him New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia.

1882: The Bijou Theatre in Boston, MA, became the first theatre to be lighted by electricity. Also first theater to forget to turn down the lights when the movie starts.

1894: The world's first motor show opened in Paris with nine exhibitors, all named Chevrolet.

1918: Russian novelist Alexander Solzhenitsyn born. Immediately sent to prison.

1919: The kind citizens of Enterprise, Alabama dedicated the first known monument to honor the boll weevil. The weevil had destroyed cotton plants. However, by forcing folks to diversify their crops, the farmers wound up tripling their income. Also dedicated monuments to ringworm and genital warts.

1927: Nearly 400 world leaders sign a letter to President Coolidge asking the U.S. to join the World Court. President Coolidge does not choose to read.

1930: As the economic crises grows, the Bank of the U.S. closes its doors after running out of complimentary toasters.

1936: Britain's King Edward the Eighth abdicated the throne in order to marry American divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. Later disappointed when discovers Wallis Warfield Simpson is a woman.

1939: Singer Betty Grable and her famous legs were featured on the cover of "LIFE" magazine. Rest of her body judged too out of shape to be shown.

1939: Marlene Dietrich recorded "Falling In Love Again", on the Decca label. Later had to return to record it on an actual record.

1943 or 44, whichever sounds better to the voters: Senator John Kerry (Democrat, Massachusetts) born

1951: Joe DiMaggio announces his retirement from baseball, discounting it's importance by stating "Hey, they'll never write a song about it".

Borat

2006-11-17T11:00:00.000-05:00

So far the makers of the movie Borat have been sued by College Students, an Etiquette School, and a Romania Village. The lawsuits all claim the plaintiffs suffered severe mental anguish and emotional and mental distress.

You know what caused me severe mental anguish and emotional and mental distress?

People with no sense of humor.

I'm Sooooo Sorry!

2006-11-02T12:50:00.000-05:00

I was at a dinner party last night during which I was asked to make a few remarks. I now feel compelled to issue the following statement.

First of all let me say that no one respects the Polish people more than I, and I would never intentionally do or say anything to offend them or their families. I simply botched a joke that did not come out the way I intended

I also apologize to the light bulb manufacturers of America and their families. I am certainly aware - and let me be crystal clear - that light bulbs are an invaluable invention and are in no way so complicated that more than one - and only one - person would ever be required to screw them in.

And to the members of the ladder community let me say that I do not and never have advocated, suggested or condoned moving or rotating a ladder in any way while someone is standing on it.

Thank you.

Excrucio

2006-10-27T17:02:00.000-04:00

ROME (JDT) - The Imperial Emperor Tiberius Augustus Caesar said Friday that Governor Pontius Pilate was not talking about a technique known as "crucifixion" when he said nailing suspects to a cross was a "no-brainer."

One minority religious group complained that Pilate's comments amounted to an endorsement of crucifixion, in which the victim is affixed to a wooden cross.

Tiberius Augustus, when asked about Pilate's comments, said, "This Empire doesn't crucify. We're not going to crucify."

Earlier, Imperial Press Secretary Antoius Niveus denied that Pilate had endorsed crucifixion.

"You know as a matter of common sense that the Governor of Judea is not going to be talking about crucifixion. Never would, never does, never will," Niveus said. "You think Pontius Pilate's going to slip up on something like this? No, come on."

However, during a hand washing ceremony Tuesday a reporter asked Pilate if "nailing to a cross is a no-brainer."

The Governor replied, "Well, it's a no-brainer for me but for a while there I was criticized as being the Governor for crucifixion. We don't crucify. That's not what we're involved in."

Peppered with questions about the remarks, Niveus said Pilate did not interpret the question as referring to crucifixion and the Governor did not make any comments about crucifixion. He said the question put to Pilate was loosely worded.

Asked to define nailing to a cross, Niveus said, "It's affixing someone to a cross. With nails."

Jesus Christ, executive director of The Apostles - the minority religious group that favors doing unto others what you would have them do unto you - said in a statement, "What's really a no-brainer is that no Roman official, much less the Governor of a Province, should champion crucifixion. Governor Pilate's advocacy of crucifixion sets a new human rights low at a time when human rights is already scraping the bottom of the Caesarian administration barrel."

Mr. Christ is currently in custody at an undisclosed location.

New Slogan

2006-10-26T13:03:00.000-04:00

Following some controversy regarding The President's plan to avoid the term "Stay The Course" and instead change the way he is doing things, Mr. Bush has issued this statement:

Some say that changing the course is not the correct approach. That we should not change anything. That we should continue the same path.

That would be a grave mistake.

And let me be clear.

I don't care if the only ones who support my decision are my wife and my dog.

I will not budge from my willingness to change.

Therefore the new guiding principle for the United States will be defined by the following phrase:

"Stay the Change."

Off Course

2006-10-24T17:30:00.000-04:00

Washington, DC (JDT) - President Bush has now declared that he will no longer use the term "Stay The Course".

“Stay the course means keep doing what you’re doing,” Mr. Bush said. “My attitude is, don’t do what you’re doing if it’s not working; change.”

"In other words", explained Presidential Phrase Adviser Winston Smith in a follow-up interview, "Stay The Course means Change The Course."

He added: “Stay the course also means don’t leave before the job is done. And not leaving before the job is done means don't bother to finish the job before leaving.”

In addition to his duties as advisor to the President, Mr. Smith is also a member of the White House speech writing staff. He is currently working on a speech Mr. Bush plans to deliver immediately following the upcoming Congressional elections.

The title of that speech?

"Losing Means Winning".

Penmanship: The Lost Art

2006-10-23T13:01:00.000-04:00

A convicted killer facing lethal injection committed suicide by slitting his throat in his Texas death row cell on Thursday.

He was found in a pool of blood by officers making a routine check. He was pronounced dead at a hospital.

He had apparently scrawled words in blood on the wall of his cell.

Prison officials said they could not quite make out what he wrote.

"It's totally illegible," said one guard who asked not to be identified. "I think part of it said 'I'm sorry' but it could have been 'sonny' or even 'soggy'".

When asked why a man facing imminent execution would write "I'm soggy" the guard had no comment.

The Congressman And The Priest

2006-10-21T11:00:00.000-04:00

A Roman Catholic Priest, The Rev. Anthony Mercieca, and Former Congressman Mark Foley are laughing off questions about their sexuality and rumors that they're anything more than just pals.

"We had a few drinks. We tried it. Wasn't for us," Foley jokes in a recent interview that addresses rumors about them being gay.

"Our friendship just kind of developed," says the priest.

Father Mercieca, who has known Foley for over thirty years, stresses that despite the raised-eyebrows they've gotten due to photos of them – often shirtless – biking, running and partying together, they are just buddies.

"I think people see pictures and they think we're these overgrown frat guys, but we all have those kinds of relationships – and relationship isn't a bad word," says Father Mercieca. "I mean, we all have buds, we all take guy trips, but you take something very normal like a nude massage and people start talking. "

Foley goes further to defend their relationship saying, "A lot of people don’t understand friendship and brotherhood. I have a great friend in him. I’d do anything he asked me to, even though he’d probably never ask me to, and he feels the same way. It’s fun going out, having a few drinks, and living life and doing things at the drop of a hat."

"Or the drop of a swim suit," jokes the cleric, eyeing a nearby swimming hole.

Father Mercieca, 69, calls Foley, 53, the "Congress Man," and says the legislator’s laid back style has been a good influence on him – especially when it comes to gossip and potential legal action. "His idea is like, 'Look, it is what it is, so go out there, have a few drinks, and have some fun.' He’s truly carefree – which is to say, he truly doesn't care."

"I'll drink to that," confirmed the disgraced Floridian. "Now who's up for a massage?"

Star Bucks Episode II: A New Hope

2006-10-19T13:18:00.000-04:00

My item about the neighborhood Starbucks that went out of business has prompted so much pessimism among loyal readers that I feel compelled to call attention to an item of hope.

The two nail salons on either side of the defunct Starbucks, as well as the one across the street, are all doing fine.

So thank you Mee Mee, Ling Nu, and Phar.

You reassure us in these troubled times.

So Long, It's Been Good To Know You

2006-10-18T15:25:00.000-04:00

The other day while I was taking my usual Sunday afternoon walkabout through the streets of the Upper East Side I came across a remarkable site.

A Starbucks was closing.

Not just for the day.

Forever.

Gone.

Out o' business.

That's it. Prepare for the apocalypse. The end is near.

Minority Report

2006-10-16T14:41:00.000-04:00

I heard a news report this morning saying that married couples are now in the minority in America. And in Manhattan, where my wife and I reside, only 26% of couples are married. If you check the census tables that puts us just a shade below Latvians and just a smidge above Republicans.

Being a middle-aged white male I am unaccustomed to being a minority. It is an odd feeling, and quite frankly I'm not sure I'm prepared to deal with it.

First of all you have to come up with a catchy name for your "community".

What can you call the married couple community?

"The Wedded Party"?

"Spouses United For Peace And Justice"?

"The Conjugal Community"? Hmmm...

"We, the members of the Conjugal Community, demand respect and equal rights from the hedonistic, bachelorist exploiters."

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Then there is the slogan. You can't have a community without a slogan.

"Say it loud, we're legally bound to one another and we're proud"?

"No Justice of the Peace, No Peace"?
(Actually, in my case, "No Anniversary Present, No Peace" is probably more accurate. )

No, if you really want to get down to the nitty-gritty it's got to be, "Keep your hands off my married-filing-jointly tax break!"

#
Well, slogan or no slogan, one thing is for sure.

I'm not moving to the back of the bus.

Unless, of course, my wife tells me I have to.

Wierd Birthday Coincidences

2006-10-13T15:52:00.000-04:00

October 13 is the birthday of both Lenny Bruce and Marie Osmond.

Young Democracy

2006-10-11T23:44:00.000-04:00

At his recent press conference President Bush declared, in reference to Iraq, “We're helping this young democracy succeed.”

Exactly what kind of help are we giving this young democracy?

USA76: yo, dude wassup

SUNNIBOY: scrounging for food brb

USA76: kool

SUNNIBOY: Not really. I actually have to scrounge for food. Also clean water and electricity.

USA76: lol!

SUNNIBOY: It’s frustrating trying to survive here now.

USA76: maybe u need a massage

SUNNIBOY: What?

USA76: u no. 2 help u rlx

SUNNIBOY: We can’t relax until we have established a stable government.

USA76: what color r ur underpants

SUNNIBOY: I'm not wearing underpants.

USA76: ummmmmmmmmmmm

SUNNIBOY: That's another thing we have to scrounge for.

USA76: then what r u wearing

SUNNIBOY: That has no relevance to the issue at hand.

USA76: speaking if the issue at hand, y dont u get a ruler and

SUNNIBOY: This conversation is is starting to make me uncomfortable.

USA76: whats the matter? too over friendly?

SUNNIBOY: You could say that. oh oh. brb…insurgents are yelling

USA76: r they in their last throes

SUNNIBOY: haha. not likely.

USA76: talk tomorrow?

SUNNIBOY: Whatever.

USA76: ok. b4n. lol. e pluribus unum.

Hey, Old Timer.

2006-10-09T11:56:00.000-04:00

I recently caught myself talking like an old man.

Being a Baby Boomer I am, of course, rather sensitive when it comes to aging. In fact I identified my age as “late twenties/early thirties” until I was 42 years old. Now that I’m in my late forties/early fifties it is even worse.

So recently when I was having a conversation with my wife and I realized I was contradicting and complaining about everything she said, it came as quite a shock. I could hear my voice, but the words coming out were those of Old Man Krabbit, who lived across the street from us when I was a kid.

Old Man Krabbit never had a nice day, never met a man he liked, always griped about the weather, complained about ill behaved children, hated dogs, and was generally a miserable person.

Now here I was, acting the same way. I was even on the verge of using the word "tarnation".

So I bit my tongue, apologized to the Missus, and vowed not to be so gol darn cantankerous.

I mean, I’m too young to act like an old man.

Dagnabbit!

Overly Over-Friendly Email

2006-10-06T10:53:00.000-04:00

I have mentioned before the over friendly email I received from the Republican Party asking me for a “contribution” and also for “support”. I was hoping this was some sort of anomaly and that if I ignored it they would leave me alone.

Sadly, that is not the case. And now things are getting just a little bit scary.

I have received another email from them, and in this one they are asking about – it makes me sick to think of it – the “size” of my “contribution”.

Have they no decency?

That Poor Man

2006-10-04T11:59:00.000-04:00

I never thought I'd say it, but I'm beginning to feel sorry for Saddam Hussein, especially after reading this recent disclosure:

The former Iraqi dictator who stepped down following the invasion of his country by American forces has checked himself into rehab.

Ex-President Saddam Hussein says he is seeking help for alcoholism.

Hussein issued a statement, saying he has deep regrets and accepts full responsibility for the harm he has caused.

The former Supreme Ruler, now on trial for mass murder and genocide, then issued a series of revelations from rehab, including a claim that he had been sexually abused as a teen.

Attorney Ramsey Clark, speaking on Hussein's behalf at a Baghdad news conference Tuesday, said Hussein was molested between ages 13 and 15 by a mullah.

He declined to identify the mullah.

"Saddam does not blame the trauma he sustained as a young adolescent for his totally inappropriate genocide", Clark said. "He continues to offer no excuse whatsoever for his conduct."

Clark, who spoke for Hussein while he is in rehab for alcohol abuse and mental illness, said Hussein denied gassing thousands of innocent civilians and that he was under the influence of alcohol when he ordered the murder of dozens of his political opponents and their families.

"There was absolutely no inappropriate gassing of religious minorities... and any suggestion that Saddam Hussein is a homicidal monster is false," Clark said.

Clark also acknowledged for the first time that the former President For Life is gay, saying the disclosure was part of his client's "recovery."

"Saddam Hussein wants you to know he is a gay man," Clark said.

Over-Friendly Emails

2006-10-02T10:27:00.000-04:00

I’m going to have to complain to House Speaker Dennis Hastert about an "over-friendly" e-mail that I received from the Republican Party recently. In the email they suggestively asked for not only a “contribution” but also for unspecified “support”. Then they asked me to contact my friends to see if they would also make a “contribution”.

The only problem is I’m not a Republican, so I am quite disturbed by these unwanted advances. But I feel a little better now that I know I'm not the only one being harassed.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a problem with Republicans.

Some say that Republicans choose to be the way they are, that it is some kind of “lifestyle choice”.

I don’t agree.

I think they are just born that way.

How I Know There Is A God

2006-09-29T18:53:00.000-04:00

There is e-coli in spinach. I can never feel comfortable eating spinach again.

There is no e-coli in ice cream.

Thanks be to God.

The National Intelligence Estimate

2006-09-27T14:39:00.000-04:00

Following the release of the National Intelligence Estimate stating that the war in Iraq is merely producing more and more terrorists, President Bush cleverly suggested that since we weren’t in Iraq on 9/11 yet we were still attacked by terrorists the fact that “Some people have…concluded that going into Iraq was a mistake" is "naive.”

Well, forgive me, Mr. President, but as I recall there was someone else who was not in Iraq on 9/11.

That would be Osama bin Laden.

#

There is a lot of arguing going on about this National Intelligence Estimate. Both sides think it supports what they believe.

But there is a much more definitive Estimate of National Intelligence coming soon.

That would be Election Day, Nov. 7, 2006.

What's in a name?

2006-09-21T12:05:00.000-04:00

The other day President Bush said he would never question the patriotism of someone who disagreed with him. As an example of people who disagree with him he offered those who were not vigorous enough in their support of The Patriot Act.

How can you say you're not questioning someone's patriotism while at the same time complaining that they don't support The Patriot Act?

I don't blame the President, though. Congress should be more careful when it comes to giving names to these Acts of theirs.

For example right now Congress is trying to decide what kind of treatment detainees can be subjected to. Suppose they pass a bill that would allow guard dogs to attack prisoners so they would be more cooperative. This bill would probably be called something like The Warm Puppies For Detainees Act.

Now, most reasonable people would not favor allowing guard dogs to attack people in jail. But in a post 9/11 world you have to ask yourself just what kind of sick pervert would oppose Warm Puppies For Detainees?

Why, those dirty, low-down traitors who disagree with the President, that's who.

Papal mug shot

2006-09-18T21:47:00.000-04:00

Following his recent DUI arrest we've been able to aquire this shot of Pope Benedict XVI in custody.

Article 3

2006-09-18T15:36:00.001-04:00

President Bush says he wants to "clarify" Common Article 3 of the Geneva Accords which outlines how prisoners of war should be treated.

Just how unclear is Article 3?

You be the judge:

Persons taking no active part in the hostilities, including members of armed forces who have laid down their arms and those placed ' hors de combat ' by sickness, wounds, detention, or any other cause, shall in all circumstances be treated humanely, without any adverse distinction founded on race, colour, religion or faith, sex, birth or wealth, or any other similar criteria.

To this end, the following acts are and shall remain prohibited at any time and in any place whatsoever with respect to the above-mentioned persons:

(a) violence to life and person, in particular murder of all kinds, mutilation, cruel treatment and torture;

(b) taking of hostages;

(c) outrages upon personal dignity, in particular humiliating and degrading treatment;

(d) the passing of sentences and the carrying out of executions without previous judgment pronounced by a regularly constituted court, affording all the judicial guarantees which are recognized as indispensable by civilized peoples.

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty confused. What exactly do they mean by "murder..., mutilation, cruel treatment and torture"?

I'm sure President Bush can clarify that for us.

That Darn Pope

2006-09-16T11:46:00.000-04:00

It looks like Pope Benedict XVI has offended some members of the Muslim community. Here are the facts as we know them.

Last week The Pontiff was pulled over by the Malibu police while driving erratically on the Pacific Coast Highway. When a breathalyzer test was administered it showed a blood alcohol level of .12, well over the limit for driving while intoxicated.

The arresting officer said His Holiness was belligerent and asked him "Are you a Muslim?" and then added "the Muslims are responsible for all the wars in the world!"

Later a spokesman for the Vatican said Benedict “"sincerely regrets" that Muslims have been offended by some of his words.

Dramatic License

2006-09-10T16:00:00.000-04:00

ABC is airing a new miniseries called "The Path To 9/11". Many of the people who were actually involved in this period are upset because ABC has chosen to present the information in a way that is not entirely accurate. ABC claims that since the program is a dramatization it has no obligation to stick to the truth.

Here are a few more non-factual dramatizations that ABC is planning for this season.

1. "Massah Abe" which explores the path to Civil War while showing Abraham Lincoln as the owner of over two dozen slaves. Making Lincoln a hypocritical dealer in human chattel was deemed to have more dramatic appeal than just being a silly old Great Emancipator.

2. "The Eight Commandments" which shows Moses leading his people through the desert to escape from Egypt and receiving the Law of God on Mount Ararat. For the sake of the dramatic flow it was decided that ten was too many commandments so those "covet" ones were left out.

3. "George W. Bush: The Path To Legendocialness" which tracks our beloved 43rd president in his fast-track rise to power culminating in his overwhelming victory in the 2000 election, winning all 50 states, and dynamic re-election in 2004, winning all 52 states.

Sorry, Pluto

2006-08-24T10:49:00.000-04:00

The International Astronomical Union has declared that Pluto is no longer a real planet. They say Pluto is now a "Dwarf" planet. They added that the asteroid Ceres and something called "2003 UB313" are also "Dwarf" planets.

Meanwhile the American Association of Little Planets has filed suit against the International Astronomical Union claiming insensitivity in their use of the term "Dwarf".

I See Drunk People

2006-08-20T12:39:00.000-04:00

I see Haley Joel Osment - apparently forever to be known as the star of The Sixth Sense - was charged with a driving under the influence of alcohol. According to police reports he lost control of his 1995 Saturn and crashed into a tree.

How embarassing.

I mean, a 1995 Saturn?

Andrew Young

2006-08-18T10:25:00.000-04:00

According to the New York Times Andrew Young, a former mayor of Atlanta and a former United States representative to the United Nations, stated in his role as Wal-Mart Spokesman that Jewish, Arab and Korean shop owners had “ripped off” urban communities for years, “selling us stale bread, and bad meat and wilted vegetables.”

Later Mr. Young apologized and resigned as Wal-Mart Spokesman.

I guess it could have been worse. At least he didn’t blame those Jewish, Arab and Korean shop owners for starting all the wars.

And I don’t feel too badly about him resigning. After all, the position of Wal-Mart Spokesman only pays $5.15 an hour with no health benefits.

Cynical? Yeah, Right.

2006-08-09T08:44:00.000-04:00

On one of the Sunday Morning news shows the panelists were bemoaning the fact that 20-34 year old males who get their news from watching The Daily Show tend to be cynical about politicians.

And what, exactly, is wrong with that?

Sure, we'd all like to believe that politicians are dedicated public servants who are only interested in the betterment of society and the nation.

We'd all like to believe that George W. Bush is a wily good ol' boy with a secret plan to fix up the Middle East, too.

But as we enter our 20-34 years we outgrow our belief in fairy tales.

Face it, there are only 3 things that a politician really believes in:

1. Getting re-elected.
2. Getting re-elected.
3. Getting re-elected.

Of course, I suppose if you're a politician you have to believe that it is only through re-election that you can accomplish the betterment of society and the nation.

The problem is getting Jon Stewart to believe it too.

The Driving Of The Mel

2006-08-02T10:44:00.000-04:00

When Mel Gibson was stopped for drunk driving he blew a .12 blood alcohol. The legal limit is .08 but even .06 can affect you. In fact according to the National Institues of Health here is how different levels of blood alcohol would affect a 185 pound man:

 
.06:  Becomes very relaxed and even sleepy.  
      Begins to suspect some undefined ethnic group is 
      behind this.
   
.08:  Judgment is impaired.  Begins to notice people 
      wearing yarmulkes.
 
.10:  Wonders exactly how you spell yarmulkes.  
      Because of this begins to resent people who 
      wear them.
 
.12:  Experiences mood swings between a preternatural 
      need to drive a motor vehicle and an 
      uncontrollable desire to know who is responsible 
      for all the wars.
 
.14:  Feels an irresistable urge to make insufferable
      motion pictures. 
 
.20:  Realized he must meet with Jewish leaders for a 
      one-on-one discussion - and teach those bastards 
      a lesson once and for all!

My Dad

2006-07-27T10:19:00.000-04:00

My mother called the other day to tell me “Your father’s has been hurt.” My 82 year old father still has an aura of indestructibility about him so this came as quite a shock. I immediately pictured him lying in the street after being hit by a car or flat on his back in the kitchen after slipping on a puddle of spilt milk.

“My God,” I said. “What happened?”

“Oh, he was playing baseball and got hit in the mouth,” sighed my mother.

I read in the paper the other day about some old time baseball player who, at 95, was put into a minor league game so he could claim to be the oldest person ever to play baseball.

That puts my father number 2 on the list. He's in a league for players over the age of 70. No one has yet displayed the optimism to start a league for players over the age of 80, but when they do he'll be the first to sign up.

“Put him on,” I said.

“Hello?” He sounded a little guilty.

“What happened?” I asked accusingly. “Couldn’t handle a hot liner?”

“Nah!” he grunted dismissively. “Walked up behind the guy on deck and got hit by his bat. I guess he wasn’t looking.” He paused, and then added proudly, “I chipped a tooth and split my lip.”

“Ouch!” I exclaimed. “What did you do?”

“Oh, I went two for four with a walk and 3 RBIs.”

“I mean did you go to the hospital?”

“Yeah, after the game. Got a tetanus shot. Man, that hurt!”

“You mean you finished the game with a bloody lip?”

“I was due up third." He sounded offended. "I’m not like these players today - take a day off just because they have a sore back or something. Heck, when I’m out there I hurt from head to toe and I don’t let it stop me.”

“Players today are a bunch of wimps!” I said, getting into the spirit of his outrage. “’What’s the matter?'," I mocked an imaginary millionaire major leaguer. "'Did you hurt your knee?’”

“Let me kiss it with my bloody lip!” added my dad.

We had a good laugh over that one.

I have to admire my dad. He's one of these "Greatest Generation" guys. You know, they grew up in the Depression then they won World War II.

But that is just a part of their greatness.

I think what really makes them great is something more basic than that.

They aren't afraid to play hurt.

Presidental Obcenation

2006-07-17T13:15:00.000-04:00

ST. PETERSBURG, Russia - It wasn't meant to be overheard. Private luncheon conversations among world leaders, picked up by a microphone, provided a rare window into both banter and substance — including President Bush cursing Hezbollah's attacks against Israel.

Bush expressed his frustration with the United Nations and his disgust with the militant Islamic group and its backers in Syria as he talked to British Prime Minister Tony Blair during the closing lunch at the Group of Eight summit.

"See the irony is that what they need to do is to get Hezbollah to stop doing this s--- and it's over," Bush told Blair as he chewed on a buttered roll.

"F---ing A", replied Blair. "Those A--h---s."

Bush then told Blair he felt like telling U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan, who visited the gathered leaders, to “kiss my a—“.

"Oh, h--- yes!" agreed Blair. "That m-----f----- should do some serious a-- kissing."

The President also suggested Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice might “visit the f---ing region soon” because when it comes to negotiation "she is the s---!"

Finally, just before noticing the microphone was live, Mr. Bush added that the luncheon tasted like “s--- on a shingle”.

"Hot s--- on a shingle," said Blair. "Hot s--- on a m-----f---ing shingle."

When an aide mentioned that the microphone had been on the whole time, Bush and Blair exclaimed simultaneously "Oh s---, we're f---ed!"