How I Know There Is A God

There is e-coli in spinach. I can never feel comfortable eating spinach again.

There is no e-coli in ice cream.

Thanks be to God.

The National Intelligence Estimate

Following the release of the National Intelligence Estimate stating that the war in Iraq is merely producing more and more terrorists, President Bush cleverly suggested that since we weren’t in Iraq on 9/11 yet we were still attacked by terrorists the fact that “Some people have…concluded that going into Iraq was a mistake" is "naive.”

Well, forgive me, Mr. President, but as I recall there was someone else who was not in Iraq on 9/11.

That would be Osama bin Laden.

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There is a lot of arguing going on about this National Intelligence Estimate. Both sides think it supports what they believe.

But there is a much more definitive Estimate of National Intelligence coming soon.

That would be Election Day, Nov. 7, 2006.

What's in a name?

The other day President Bush said he would never question the patriotism of someone who disagreed with him. As an example of people who disagree with him he offered those who were not vigorous enough in their support of The Patriot Act.

How can you say you're not questioning someone's patriotism while at the same time complaining that they don't support The Patriot Act?

I don't blame the President, though. Congress should be more careful when it comes to giving names to these Acts of theirs.

For example right now Congress is trying to decide what kind of treatment detainees can be subjected to. Suppose they pass a bill that would allow guard dogs to attack prisoners so they would be more cooperative. This bill would probably be called something like The Warm Puppies For Detainees Act.

Now, most reasonable people would not favor allowing guard dogs to attack people in jail. But in a post 9/11 world you have to ask yourself just what kind of sick pervert would oppose Warm Puppies For Detainees?

Why, those dirty, low-down traitors who disagree with the President, that's who.

Papal mug shot

Following his recent DUI arrest we've been able to aquire this shot of Pope Benedict XVI in custody.

Article 3

President Bush says he wants to "clarify" Common Article 3 of the Geneva Accords which outlines how prisoners of war should be treated.

Just how unclear is Article 3?

You be the judge:

Persons taking no active part in the hostilities, including members of armed forces who have laid down their arms and those placed ' hors de combat ' by sickness, wounds, detention, or any other cause, shall in all circumstances be treated humanely, without any adverse distinction founded on race, colour, religion or faith, sex, birth or wealth, or any other similar criteria.

To this end, the following acts are and shall remain prohibited at any time and in any place whatsoever with respect to the above-mentioned persons:

(a) violence to life and person, in particular murder of all kinds, mutilation, cruel treatment and torture;

(b) taking of hostages;

(c) outrages upon personal dignity, in particular humiliating and degrading treatment;

(d) the passing of sentences and the carrying out of executions without previous judgment pronounced by a regularly constituted court, affording all the judicial guarantees which are recognized as indispensable by civilized peoples.

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty confused. What exactly do they mean by "murder..., mutilation, cruel treatment and torture"?

I'm sure President Bush can clarify that for us.

That Darn Pope

It looks like Pope Benedict XVI has offended some members of the Muslim community. Here are the facts as we know them.

Last week The Pontiff was pulled over by the Malibu police while driving erratically on the Pacific Coast Highway. When a breathalyzer test was administered it showed a blood alcohol level of .12, well over the limit for driving while intoxicated.

The arresting officer said His Holiness was belligerent and asked him "Are you a Muslim?" and then added "the Muslims are responsible for all the wars in the world!"

Later a spokesman for the Vatican said Benedict “"sincerely regrets" that Muslims have been offended by some of his words.

Dramatic License

ABC is airing a new miniseries called "The Path To 9/11". Many of the people who were actually involved in this period are upset because ABC has chosen to present the information in a way that is not entirely accurate. ABC claims that since the program is a dramatization it has no obligation to stick to the truth.

Here are a few more non-factual dramatizations that ABC is planning for this season.

1. "Massah Abe" which explores the path to Civil War while showing Abraham Lincoln as the owner of over two dozen slaves. Making Lincoln a hypocritical dealer in human chattel was deemed to have more dramatic appeal than just being a silly old Great Emancipator.

2. "The Eight Commandments" which shows Moses leading his people through the desert to escape from Egypt and receiving the Law of God on Mount Ararat. For the sake of the dramatic flow it was decided that ten was too many commandments so those "covet" ones were left out.

3. "George W. Bush: The Path To Legendocialness" which tracks our beloved 43rd president in his fast-track rise to power culminating in his overwhelming victory in the 2000 election, winning all 50 states, and dynamic re-election in 2004, winning all 52 states.