Papal Dispensation

"Guess what?" said my wife, looking up from the newspaper, "The Pope says it is okay for married couples to have sex."

"That's interesting," I said. "You don't expect His Holiness to encourage sex."

"One odd thing, though."

"What's that?"

She buried her nose in the paper again. "For some reason he mentions you by name."

Karl Rove, Historian

Recently Presidential Advisor Karl Rove had this to say about the state of the union: "Republicans have a post-9/11 view of the world. And Democrats have a pre-9/11 view of the world."

Well, Mr. Rove, is it possible that Republicans have a pre-Bill Of Rights view of the world? And Democrats have a post Bill Of Rights view of the world?

Or maybe Democrats simply have a pre-Brain Dead view of the world?

Supreme Humor

There was an article the other day outlining some of the supposedly humorous remarks made by Supreme Court justices over the years. After reading this material I can only come to one conclusion.

These people need new writers.

For example during arguments in a recent case Associate Justice Clarence Thomas had this to say while questioning one of the attorneys:

"Your argument reminds me of a story - A Chief Justice walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says 'Where did he come from?' and the parrot says 'I don't know. I woke up this morning and there he was.'"

Or in a ruling last month Associate Justice Scalia inserted this addendum:

"Clearly the ruling here has precedent in the case of the man who walked up to me on the street the other day and said he hadn't had a bite in three days -- so I bit him!"

And even recently installed Chief Justice John Roberts made this remark during his first appearance in the hearing room:

"It sure is hot in here."
"How hot is it?" the other Justices chanted in unison.
"It's so hot I saw a plaintiff suing a defendant -- and they were both walking."

Pretty lame humor, you must admit.

Except that parrot one, heh, heh. "There he was..." Precious.

Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Fatah

People seemed shocked by the Hamas victory in the Palestinian legislative elections. They can't imagine how a party could win an election when nobody thought they had a chance due to their crazy, outlandish ideas.

I'll have to ask President Gore about that.

A Single Little Piece

I was reading a story about an Oprah Book Club selection, a first person memoir, that apparently contained quite a bit of misinformation. I wondered what other books might fall into this category so I did some research.

I wanted to examine a book that was a first person memoir in the public domain that would be familiar to a large segment of readers.

I chose Moby Dick, a book that anyone who went to high school has had to slog through at one time or another. But, as I dug deeper into this work I discovered that it was more than just a long, boring story about killing a whale. No, it is much more loathsome than that.

The duplicity begins with the very first sentence, “Call me Ishmael.” After extensive research I have uncovered incontrovertible proof that the author of this work is not called “Ishmael” at all. His real name is “Herman”.

Later Herman – let’s use real names here, shall we? – runs into the captain of a whaling ship - Captain Ahab. After extensive sessions on Google and a detailed inspection of birth, death, tax, and voting records I have determined that in the past 150 years there has never been anyone born in the United States of America who has been given the name "Ahab".

Think about it. Have you ever run into anyone named Ahab?

“Joe, have you met my broker, Ahab?”

“Salesman of the year: Ahab”.

“My name is Ahab and I’m an alcoholic.”

No, I didn’t think so.

Finally, and this is the most unsettling item of all, although the entire plot of this book involves Herman's and this so-called Ahab's search for a large, white whale, there is no evidence in any nautical log, book, or almanac that this creature ever existed!

In fact, it appears that this "great white whale" is entirely a figment of Herman's imagination. Worse than that, it may actually be representing something else - although no one seems to know exactly what it really stands for.

Now, there are those who say that this isn't supposed to be a true story, that it is the tone, character, and setting that is important - not the actual facts.

Well, to these people I have but one thing to say:

Call me Skeptical.