My wife insists that I've been snoring lately but of course she's wrong. I don't snore. Once in a while I might breath heavily, but snore? I don't think so.
However her illusion has lead her to prod me at night and mutter "Roll over" or some other directive ("Quiet", "Move", "Lay on your stomach"). I always do my best to humor her.
This morning, however, there was a gross miscarriage of justice. Our clock radio went off at 7:00 as usual and the NPR station to which we like to wake was running a story about, I think, hog farms in China. It is common in these radio news features for the reporter to include some ambient sound in the story to give it a sense of place. In this case the ambient sound was that of hundreds of hogs grunting and grumbling as they fed on their daily portion of slop.
"Roll over", I heard the love of my life growl sleepily.
"Hey", I protested. "That wasn't me."
"Yeah, right", she replied as she settled in for a few more winks.
"No, really..." but by now I could tell she was back to sleep because of her slow, steady breathing.
Actually, I think her breathing is getting to be just a little bit heavy.
A Blog Of Humor and Inspiration...
Tuesday, April 15
Friday, April 11
50 Plus
I got a picture postcard announcing the "11th Annual 50 Plus Expo - Forever Young".
As far as I'm concerned, the fact that it was a picture postcard pretty much shouts "50 PLUS!!!!".
Since I recently entered my 5th decade - okay, who snickered at "recently"? - I seem to have drawn the attention of a vast number of people who are interested in my being Forever Young. It's one of those ironies of life that the older you are the younger you want to be.
Anyway, as I looked over this missive I notice a few things that I found somewhat disturbing.
First of all there seems to be an inordinate amount of fiber involved in being Forever Young. As far as I'm concerned "The Magical Prune" does not deserve it's own workshop. It might be more appropriate as a bedtime story for children with accelerated aging disease.
Also there seem to be quite a few spokespeople involved in this Expo, including "Former Miami Dolphins Hall Of Fame Coach" Don Shula and "NFL Hall Of Fame Quarterback" Bart Starr, who confesses to being "a paid endorser". I never really understood the allure of spokespeople - Hall Of Fame or otherwise - but at least I can respect the ethics of someone who confessed to being a paid endorser. No subterfuge there. "You pay me, I endorse you. Simple as that. HIKE!"
I might have been interested in the "50+ Singles" seminar. Although I'm not single, I've always wondered how those dating websites work. Having been married long before the Internet appeared, my only exposure to the online singles scene has been TV commercials for eHarmony.com or Match.com or that one Eliot Spitzer belongs to.
The 50+ Singles meeting was to be run by TERRI SLOANE - M.S. - Forever Young Matchmaker /Dating Coach. Well, sorry Ms. Sloane, but if I planned to use a Dating Coach, I'd go with Don Shula, the Hall Of Famer.
Finally this announcement shocked me: "Spotlight on shingles: Know what you can do."
Well, I can tell you what you can do about shingles.
Don't put a spotlight on it.
As far as I'm concerned, the fact that it was a picture postcard pretty much shouts "50 PLUS!!!!".
Since I recently entered my 5th decade - okay, who snickered at "recently"? - I seem to have drawn the attention of a vast number of people who are interested in my being Forever Young. It's one of those ironies of life that the older you are the younger you want to be.
Anyway, as I looked over this missive I notice a few things that I found somewhat disturbing.
First of all there seems to be an inordinate amount of fiber involved in being Forever Young. As far as I'm concerned "The Magical Prune" does not deserve it's own workshop. It might be more appropriate as a bedtime story for children with accelerated aging disease.
Also there seem to be quite a few spokespeople involved in this Expo, including "Former Miami Dolphins Hall Of Fame Coach" Don Shula and "NFL Hall Of Fame Quarterback" Bart Starr, who confesses to being "a paid endorser". I never really understood the allure of spokespeople - Hall Of Fame or otherwise - but at least I can respect the ethics of someone who confessed to being a paid endorser. No subterfuge there. "You pay me, I endorse you. Simple as that. HIKE!"
I might have been interested in the "50+ Singles" seminar. Although I'm not single, I've always wondered how those dating websites work. Having been married long before the Internet appeared, my only exposure to the online singles scene has been TV commercials for eHarmony.com or Match.com or that one Eliot Spitzer belongs to.
The 50+ Singles meeting was to be run by TERRI SLOANE - M.S. - Forever Young Matchmaker /Dating Coach. Well, sorry Ms. Sloane, but if I planned to use a Dating Coach, I'd go with Don Shula, the Hall Of Famer.
Finally this announcement shocked me: "Spotlight on shingles: Know what you can do."
Well, I can tell you what you can do about shingles.
Don't put a spotlight on it.
Monday, April 7
Grief, Quantified
Several people have asked me "So where's the blog been, Jim?"
The fact is I lost my job and have been pretty busy looking for a new one.
It's tough to lose a job.
To admit you've been let go.
Terminated.
Fired.
Asked to leave.
Downsized.
You name it.
It occurs to me that losing a job is like losing a friend. A friend that you maybe didn't like too much, maybe was a little boring. But someone you had gotten used to.
When you lose a friend you grieve, and the same thing happens when you lose a job.
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying" (thank you, Wikipedia) says there are 5 stages of grief.
1. Denial (I can't believe they fired me.)
2. Anger (I can't believe those FUCKING BASTARDS fired me!!!)
3. Bargaining (Hey, maybe if I take a pay cut...)
4. Depression (You know, I really kinda miss that job...)
5. Acceptance (I can't believe those GODDAMN FUCKING BASTARDS fired me!!!!!)
Okay, so I haven't quite gotten to the Acceptance part yet.
The fact is I lost my job and have been pretty busy looking for a new one.
It's tough to lose a job.
To admit you've been let go.
Terminated.
Fired.
Asked to leave.
Downsized.
You name it.
It occurs to me that losing a job is like losing a friend. A friend that you maybe didn't like too much, maybe was a little boring. But someone you had gotten used to.
When you lose a friend you grieve, and the same thing happens when you lose a job.
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying" (thank you, Wikipedia) says there are 5 stages of grief.
1. Denial (I can't believe they fired me.)
2. Anger (I can't believe those FUCKING BASTARDS fired me!!!)
3. Bargaining (Hey, maybe if I take a pay cut...)
4. Depression (You know, I really kinda miss that job...)
5. Acceptance (I can't believe those GODDAMN FUCKING BASTARDS fired me!!!!!)
Okay, so I haven't quite gotten to the Acceptance part yet.
Thursday, November 22
Things For Which I Am Thankful
My beautiful wife.
My handsome sons.
My good health
George W. Bush's remaining time in office: 424 days.
Days until my next day of thanks: 371
George W. Bush's remaining time in office on my next day of thanks: 53 days.
Friday, November 16
Thoughts On Some Recently Indicted Sports Figures
Sports Figure Indicted for Thoughts
------------- ---------------------- -------------------------------
Michael Vick Dog Fighting Hey, nobody died.
Barry Bonds Obstruction of Justice Hey, nobody died.
O.J. Simpson Armed Robbery Hey, nobody died.
This time.
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