When Life Gives You Lemons...

The unemployment rate is way up and frequently people have to find new lines of work after losing a job. This was brought starkly home to me a couple of weeks ago when I was out for a late afternoon stroll.

It was hot and I was thirsty so I was gratified to see a small table on the sidewalk with a handwritten sign reading "Lemonade". Usually these ad hoc beverage vending centers are staffed by 8 or 9 year old girls with happy faces and optimistic demeanors, but in this case the person sitting behind the table was a middle aged man wearing a plaid sport coat, polyester slacks, and white shoes. He saw me eying the condensation-coated pitcher sitting on the table and stood up. He had a smile that made me unconsciously pat my wallet to make sure it was still in my pocket.

"Thirsty?" he said.

"Yep. It's a hot one. How much?"

"Well, what kind of budget do you have?"

"A budget for lemonade?" I puzzled.

He took out a small pad of paper and a pencil. "I'm going to write a number down and you tell me if this is a payment you can live with."

"Payment..." I glance at the paper - "...$199 for lemonade? Are you crazy?"

"That includes zero percent financing, but I might be able to do better. I'll have to talk to my manager. He's delivering a pizza, but he'll be back in a minute".

I tossed the piece of paper back at him and started walking off.

"Hey," he shouted. "What's it going to take to get you into a libation today?"

"How about no money down and $3,000 cash back?" I muttered sarcastically.

"That's doable," he said. "Do you have a trade-in?"

Senior Vacation

My wife and I just returned from a brief vacation where I was shocked to discover that I have somehow reached an age where I qualified for what are called "Senior" discounts. Normally I'm all in favor of saving a little money, but on this trip I struggled with the trade-off between gaining a discount and admitting I'm old.

At one eating establishment, for example, the dishes listed on the Getting On In Years menu were only a few cents less than those on the In The Prime Of Life menu. It didn't seem worth the humiliation of ordering an egg white omelet and low sodium turkey bacon so I paid full price for three-egg yolkified omelet and extra porky bacon.

Later we wandered into an amusement park which claimed to be fun for Kids Of All Ages. Discount for Older Kids Of All Ages: $2. Not worth it.

Finally we went to see a movie where the Elder Statesman Discount actually amounted to several dollars and, I decided, well worth revealing my secret shame. When I asked for the discount ticket the young man in the booth, whose concerns about anything to do with age I'm sure revolved around the purchase of alcoholic beverages, replied "No way, man. You don't get the discount unless you're over 60." Somewhat flustered I muttered, "Well, I am over 60." "I don't think so, man," he challenged. There was an awkward pause, then I replied, "Okay, bro', you got me. I thought I could fool you but you're way too smart for me." I forked over the full admission price.

And I didn't mind at all.

Obesity

During the debate about health care I've heard a lot of talk about obesity. This country is in the midst of an "epidemic of obesity", some say. "Obesity is the number one health problem" say others. "Hey, fatso, how about a salad?" opines a third.

I'm worried that so-called "experts" are using the overweight as a convenient target to explain why health care costs so much. Now they want to put a tax on soda and candy to pay for health care.

Well, that just smacks of Socialism to me. Godless, Communistic Socialism! What's next? Government appointed "Fat panels" to decide who eats and who doesn't? Who does that remind you of? Hitler and Stalin, that's who!

They are also planning to offer nutrition "counseling" to "explain" to people why that piece of pie you are having for dessert is a threat to the future of the country.

I don't think the founding fathers would approve of the government getting involved when people are making those sensitive "end of meal" decisions.

This is a slippery slope.

It starts with "counseling", and the next thing you know they are pulling the plug on Grandma's toaster oven.

What's in a 9 name

I see two movies are opening this week with similar names.

"District 9" is about extraterrestrials who live in a refugee camp.

"Cloud 9" is about elderly people having sex.

One deals with lumbering, misshapened creatures wandering aimlessly through a world that doesn't want or understand them.

The other one is about extraterrestrials.

Now, where was I?

Well, a dear friend notified me that it has been a year since I've written in my blog.

I knew I was forgetting something.

Well, that's gonna change!

My blog is back, now there's gonna be some chuckles
Hey la, hey la, my blog is back.
The only thing that rhymes with chuckles is buckles,
Hey la, hey la, my blog is back.
Yeah! It's gonna be so funny.
Yeah! It won't be makin' any money.
Hey la, Hey la, my blog is back.
Hey, my blog is back,
oh oh yeah, my blog is back,
WTF my blog is back,
Oh yeah.

Alright, everybody! See you next year!