Scary Books

There was a story on the radio the other day reporting that the American pharmaceutical industry had hired a couple of authors to write a science fiction book about terrorists poisoning the drugs that come into this country from Canada. The hope, I guess, is people who read this book will be too scared to get their prescriptions filled in the Great White North.

What if other industries took this approach? What might we see on future best seller lists?

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Limp Vines - Pesticide laden grapes from France find their way into a local winery causing baldness and erectile dysfunction in men over the age of 50. Published by The Napa, Sonoma, and Medicino Board of Trade.

Two-A-Wheelers - Italian bicycles with narrow, European sized seats cause hideously bruised posteriors to spread throughout a small Midwestern town. Published by the American Bicycle Manufacturers Association.

Don't Read This Book, Watch TV Instead - Terrorists reduce the size of the print in all the books in America so people who read begin to notice that their eyes are falling out of their heads. Published by the National Association of Broadcasters.

Blogs of Forever - Scientists determine that readers of blogs will live much longer than those who don't. Published by...

Well, you get the idea.

G Day

With the passing of the less significant holidays it is time to turn attention toward the threat to one of our most sacred and beloved celebrations.

I am speaking of the War on Groundhog’s Day.

We have all agonized over the commercialization of Groundhog’s Day. The myriad one day sales, television specials, parades, and staged news events have demeaned The Day in countless ways. Many times we even hear it referred to as “G Day” prompting many offended devotees to demand “Let’s keep Ground in Groundhog’s Day!”

But now things are getting more serious. An assault is being conducted by a group of card carrying Seasonal Predictive Agnostics who believe, and have public stated, that forecasting the number of remaining winter weeks cannot be foretold by one of God’s creatures gazing upon a shadow(my emphasis). They have even suggested that the Groundhog is not related to the hog at all but is a – it makes me shake with anger to say it – a rodent!

That’s right. Our Beloved Predictor compared to rats and porcupines!

Porcupines!

And to make things worse these elitist arbiters of taste want to disallow the use of the term “Have a happy Groundhog’s Day.” They want all public references to be made in the form “Enjoy the terrain non-hog’s day”.

From my cold, dead lips!

Now is the time for action. Write your congressman, city council, local school board. See to it that the time honored Groundhog tradition is preserved! Remember, this is just the first step. Who knows what could be next?

There is certain Bunny I know that is quite concerned.

What's Your Sign?

My wife and I were at a restaurant having dinner with Nelson, my nemesis, and his lovely wife Nini.

After ordering I excused myself to go to the men's room. Regular readers of this effort will recall that I have had my problems with restaurant facilities in the past but I haven't let that deter me from continuing to avail myself.

This particular establishment was one of those sports-themed eateries that feature pennants, archival newspaper photos, sports equipment, and, so help me, athletic shoes hanging on the walls. Generally I find it unseemly to have large, cleated footwear looming a foot from my head as I'm slurping my French Onion Soup, but the food is good and the price is right.

As I headed down a small corridor toward the restrooms I noticed that the two doors did not identify themselves as "Men" and "Women" or "Guys" and "Dolls" or even "Buoys" and "Gulls" (which you find in some seafood palaces). Rather each door had a grainy, black and white photograph of a baseball team on it. The problem was I couldn't tell which picture was the men's team and which picture was the women's team. They both featured a grim looking group of players, with unsmiling, defiant faces. In each photo all wore baseball hats. There were two rows of players, but the front row was cut off at the waist and the lower part of the back row was covered by the front row so I couldn't see if either team was wearing skirts or shorts or bobby sox or some other form of gender indicative apparel.

I was glancing back and forth in befuddled amusement, examining the photos, looking for some sort of clue, when I heard Nelson's voice from behind me.

"What’s the matter, Jim? Can't decide whether to use the little boy’s or the little girl's?"

"I, I, I,...I was just admiring these pictures. I wonder who they are?"

"What, you don't recognize the Topeka Tootsies?" he said, pointing to one of the photos which featured what looked to me like a rather masculine "T" on all the hats. "Or," he added, pointing to the other photo, "the Binghamton Bull Wrestlers?" Then he pushed the door and went in.

I tentatively followed him and was relieved to see a row of sparkling white urinals lining the wall.

It was comforting to know that I was in the Men's Room.

Where the Men go.

To do the Men things.

Like Men.

Eat your hearts out, Topeka Tootsies!

Hamlet At Law

The other day my son’s class went to see a production of Hamlet that was being performed by the students of a law school. At first this seemed somewhat blasphemous to me, since Shakespeare is famously known to have written “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers”.

Upon further consideration, however, I became intrigued by the thought of Hamlet as presented by a group of lawyers – or almost-lawyers as the case may be. James Thurber once wrote of Macbeth as a murder mystery. How would Hamlet be as a legal drama? Sort of Law & Order, ECU (Elsinore Castle Unit).

To sue, or not to sue: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of gross negligence,
Or to file suit against a deep pocketed target,
And by litigation ameliorate the damages?
To mediate: perchance to settle out of court: ay, there's the rub;
For in that settlement what proceeds may come
When we have dropped the charges,
Must give us pause.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love - not to mention mental anguish -
Without at least trying
To make a killing in the courtroom.

Of course those in the legal trade - and I suppose some thin-skinned Shakespearian scholars - may object to this flight of fancy.

I have only one thing to say to them.

Objection overruled.

It's Settled. The Earth Is Flat.

Recently several arbiters of education have decided that the so called "evidence" of the Earth being "round" is not evidence at all. It is, in fact, just a theory.

The theory of the round Earth.

To present a fair and balanced environment for the children who attend the schools for which they are responsible, they have made the only morally consistent decision they could and that is to teach -- alongside the etitist "Rounders" theory -- the equally valid yet mystical theory that the Earth is flat.

Flat Earth Theory -— sometimes called Flatism or Flatulence —- is the view that the Earth shows tangible signs of being flat. It has been around, in one form or another, since the time of ancient Greece. Flat Earth Theory is still a minority position, but even many scholars who disagree with it are intrigued by the idea—and can’t seem to get it out of their minds.

Last month this gnawing need for knowledge led to the first international Flat Earth Theory Conclave in Columbus, Kansas. Scholars from as far away as Switzerland and China were invited to come and discuss the reasons why the Earth must be flat.

Unfortunately, the conference was sparsely attended because the scholars from Switzerland and China, while on their way to Kansas, fell off the edge of the Earth and were never heard from again.