Today In History I

Dec, 11th

384: Death of St. Damascuc I, Pope

385: Death of St. Damascuc II, Pope

386: Death of St. Damascuc III, Pope

386: Future Popes decide that Damascuc is not a lucky name.

493: Death of St. Daniel the Stylite. Distant relative to St. Daniel the Styish AKA "That Saint who dresses so nice."

1192: Richard the Lion-Hearted captured near Vienna by Leopold the Ass-Face of Austria

1282: Beheading of Llywelyn ap Gruffudd, considered last legitimate Prince of Wales. Until the use of the Guillotine in the 18th century being beheaded is referred to as "being all Gruffudded up."

1475: Pope Leo X born. Mother has the foresight to name him Pope Leo X.

1620: 103 "Mayflower" pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock. Encounter 8 foot fence installed by Native Americans to keep them out.

1792: France's King Louis the 16th went before the Convention to face charges of treason. Convention issues an edict to "Gruffudd his ass".

1830: Hawaiian King Kamehameha. The Kamehameha dynasty ended with his death on Dec. 11, 1872. born. Kamehameha is the thing to say on a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day.

1844: Dr. Horace Wells, of Hartford, CT, had a tooth extracted. He became the first to receive an anesthetic for this dental procedure. Dr. Wells expresses condolences to the poor schlep who had his tooth pulled the day before.

1882: New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia born. Mother has the foresight to name him New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia.

1882: The Bijou Theatre in Boston, MA, became the first theatre to be lighted by electricity. Also first theater to forget to turn down the lights when the movie starts.

1894: The world's first motor show opened in Paris with nine exhibitors, all named Chevrolet.

1918: Russian novelist Alexander Solzhenitsyn born. Immediately sent to prison.

1919: The kind citizens of Enterprise, Alabama dedicated the first known monument to honor the boll weevil. The weevil had destroyed cotton plants. However, by forcing folks to diversify their crops, the farmers wound up tripling their income. Also dedicated monuments to ringworm and genital warts.

1927: Nearly 400 world leaders sign a letter to President Coolidge asking the U.S. to join the World Court. President Coolidge does not choose to read.

1930: As the economic crises grows, the Bank of the U.S. closes its doors after running out of complimentary toasters.

1936: Britain's King Edward the Eighth abdicated the throne in order to marry American divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. Later disappointed when discovers Wallis Warfield Simpson is a woman.

1939: Singer Betty Grable and her famous legs were featured on the cover of "LIFE" magazine. Rest of her body judged too out of shape to be shown.

1939: Marlene Dietrich recorded "Falling In Love Again", on the Decca label. Later had to return to record it on an actual record.

1943 or 44, whichever sounds better to the voters: Senator John Kerry (Democrat, Massachusetts) born

1951: Joe DiMaggio announces his retirement from baseball, discounting it's importance by stating "Hey, they'll never write a song about it".