There was a lot of buzz going around Fox News last week about how Barak Obama attended a radical Muslim school when he was a kid. Further investigation, unsurprisingly, showed that this was not true. In fact CNN reports that from age 6 to 10 Sen. Obama spent "two years in a Muslim school and another two years in a Catholic school."
As someone who spent 12 years attending Catholic School I must say that his Muslim school attendance didn't affect me nearly as much as his Catholic education did.
I still remember the time Sister Mary Catherine accused my family of being Communists because my father didn't support The House Un-American Activities Committee. Or the time Father Horvath made me pick up 100 pieces of paper from the playground because I referred to The Holy Spirit as "That crazy bird."
Then he made me count the pieces of paper in front of him. He excluded the 20 or so cigarette butts I'd tried to sneak in, and made me go and pick up 100 more.
He never thought to ask why there were cigarette butts on the playground.
By the way, if you've never heard of The House Un-American Activities Committee count yourself lucky.
As for the Holy Spirit? Hey, I still love that crazy bird!
A Blog Of Humor and Inspiration...
Tuesday, January 30
Thursday, January 11
Hearing Test
One of the downsides of the aging process is this: things you take for granted gradually don't work as well as they once did.
Recently my wife complained that I had the television turned up rather loud. I understand that this is often the first sign of hearing loss so I thought I should get a hearing test.
The audiologist's office had a small waiting room and the only other person present was an older gentleman who made at least 3 trips to the men's room in the short time we waited.
After the last visit he looked a bit chagrined and said, "Plumbing's getting old, I guess."
"Well, you know, frequent urination is not always related to age...", I began to pontificate.
"I was talking about the toilet bowl", he said, looking offended. "It's a mess." I began an attempt to recover from my faux paux, but he was called into the back for his test before I could formulate a proper explanation for being an idiot.
A few minutes later he came out from the examination area, took a step toward the restroom but, after giving me a defiant look, continued on out the door.
The audiologist was younger than I expected him to be, and, as I tried to remember that faraway time when my doctors were actually older than I was, he sat me down in a sound proof room, a little bigger than a phone booth.
As I tried to remember that faraway time when there were still phone booths he placed a pair of earphones on my head and backed out, closing the door behind him.
The booth reminded me of those quiz shows where a contestant is isolated so he could not be given any clues to the questions.
It also bore a disturbing resemblance to the gas chamber in San Quentin.
As I tried to remember that faraway time when there were still Sixty-Four Thousand Dollar Questions and justice was meted out via cyanide pellet, the earphones began producing a series of beeps and boops that I had to identify as coming from the left or right side of my head. Then I had to repeat several words that were given to me in gradually decreasing volume levels. The last two I couldn't really hear that well, but I think they were "Old timer" and "Gramps" or, possibly, "Geezer".
Finally the ordeal was over and the audiologist showed me a graph with the results of my test. It didn't make much sense and I must have looked confused because finally he just said, "All in all, I'd say you were borderline normal."
"Borderline normal, eh?" I said. "Well, doc, I know a lot of people would agree with you about that."
As I was writing out the check he started to say, "By the way, if you need to use the men's room..."
Mustering all my dignity and standing as straight as I could I looked him in the eye.
"What?"
Recently my wife complained that I had the television turned up rather loud. I understand that this is often the first sign of hearing loss so I thought I should get a hearing test.
The audiologist's office had a small waiting room and the only other person present was an older gentleman who made at least 3 trips to the men's room in the short time we waited.
After the last visit he looked a bit chagrined and said, "Plumbing's getting old, I guess."
"Well, you know, frequent urination is not always related to age...", I began to pontificate.
"I was talking about the toilet bowl", he said, looking offended. "It's a mess." I began an attempt to recover from my faux paux, but he was called into the back for his test before I could formulate a proper explanation for being an idiot.
A few minutes later he came out from the examination area, took a step toward the restroom but, after giving me a defiant look, continued on out the door.
The audiologist was younger than I expected him to be, and, as I tried to remember that faraway time when my doctors were actually older than I was, he sat me down in a sound proof room, a little bigger than a phone booth.
As I tried to remember that faraway time when there were still phone booths he placed a pair of earphones on my head and backed out, closing the door behind him.
The booth reminded me of those quiz shows where a contestant is isolated so he could not be given any clues to the questions.
It also bore a disturbing resemblance to the gas chamber in San Quentin.
As I tried to remember that faraway time when there were still Sixty-Four Thousand Dollar Questions and justice was meted out via cyanide pellet, the earphones began producing a series of beeps and boops that I had to identify as coming from the left or right side of my head. Then I had to repeat several words that were given to me in gradually decreasing volume levels. The last two I couldn't really hear that well, but I think they were "Old timer" and "Gramps" or, possibly, "Geezer".
Finally the ordeal was over and the audiologist showed me a graph with the results of my test. It didn't make much sense and I must have looked confused because finally he just said, "All in all, I'd say you were borderline normal."
"Borderline normal, eh?" I said. "Well, doc, I know a lot of people would agree with you about that."
As I was writing out the check he started to say, "By the way, if you need to use the men's room..."
Mustering all my dignity and standing as straight as I could I looked him in the eye.
"What?"
Thursday, January 4
BHO
A lot has been made about Barack Obama's middle name, which happens to be Hussein. The conventional wisdom is that having such a middle name might cause him to be associated with fanatical terrorists and lynched dictators.
I suggest that rather than use his middle name he should use just his middle initial.
Barack H. Obama sounds much better than Barack Hussein Obama.
I mean it works for Jesus H. Christ, doesn't it?
I suggest that rather than use his middle name he should use just his middle initial.
Barack H. Obama sounds much better than Barack Hussein Obama.
I mean it works for Jesus H. Christ, doesn't it?
Tuesday, December 12
The Age Of Apple
According to a recent report nearly half of Mac owners are 55 and older. However an Apple spokesman took issue with the statistics, stating "Our customer data shows that only around 20 percent of Mac users are over the age of 55”.
“If you don’t believe it,” he added, “go to an Apple Store and see who is in there.”
Well, I’m over the age of 55 and, after a year and a half of satisfactory iPod performance, I’ve been considering buying a Mac. So I decided to take the Apple spokesman up on his challenge and visit my local Apple Store.
The problems started right at the door. A rather imposing young man with large, tattooed biceps bulging from a tight black tee shirt put his hand up and said “Hold it right there, bud. I’m going to have to see some ID.”
This took me by surprise so I stood there stammering for a moment until he said, "How old are you, anyway?"
Remembering the words of the Apple spokesman I panicked briefly and responded, "Uh, I, I, I'm...29." I tried to sound confident.
"Oh, really?" he questioned. "Well, then, what year were you born?"
I frantically tried to do the subtraction in my head while appearing nonchalant.
"1973?" Even I knew it sounded like a guess.
"Nice try," he smirked, then pointed to a small sign by the door that read "In order to enter these premises you must have been born on this date during or after the year 1977."
"Yeah, 1977. That's what I said."
"I don't think so, pops. Now move along and let some young people in."
"Yeah, move along," said the guy behind me. I swear, he didn't look a day under 45 but he was wearing baggy jeans, gigantic sneakers and a New York Knicks jersey that hung to his knees. An oversize baseball cap sat sideways on his head, but a few gray hairs managed to peek out from beneath it. "Yo, G. Let someone else have a chance," he grunted.
"Okay, 'G'," I replied as I slowly turned and walked away. Behind me I heard the doorman say "This doesn't even look like you, G.", then add, "Name three songs by the Black Eyed Peas."
I smiled as I continued down the street while "G" struggled to come up with an answer. Maybe I'm too old for Apple, but that Fergie? She is one Bodacious Babe.
“If you don’t believe it,” he added, “go to an Apple Store and see who is in there.”
Well, I’m over the age of 55 and, after a year and a half of satisfactory iPod performance, I’ve been considering buying a Mac. So I decided to take the Apple spokesman up on his challenge and visit my local Apple Store.
The problems started right at the door. A rather imposing young man with large, tattooed biceps bulging from a tight black tee shirt put his hand up and said “Hold it right there, bud. I’m going to have to see some ID.”
This took me by surprise so I stood there stammering for a moment until he said, "How old are you, anyway?"
Remembering the words of the Apple spokesman I panicked briefly and responded, "Uh, I, I, I'm...29." I tried to sound confident.
"Oh, really?" he questioned. "Well, then, what year were you born?"
I frantically tried to do the subtraction in my head while appearing nonchalant.
"1973?" Even I knew it sounded like a guess.
"Nice try," he smirked, then pointed to a small sign by the door that read "In order to enter these premises you must have been born on this date during or after the year 1977."
"Yeah, 1977. That's what I said."
"I don't think so, pops. Now move along and let some young people in."
"Yeah, move along," said the guy behind me. I swear, he didn't look a day under 45 but he was wearing baggy jeans, gigantic sneakers and a New York Knicks jersey that hung to his knees. An oversize baseball cap sat sideways on his head, but a few gray hairs managed to peek out from beneath it. "Yo, G. Let someone else have a chance," he grunted.
"Okay, 'G'," I replied as I slowly turned and walked away. Behind me I heard the doorman say "This doesn't even look like you, G.", then add, "Name three songs by the Black Eyed Peas."
I smiled as I continued down the street while "G" struggled to come up with an answer. Maybe I'm too old for Apple, but that Fergie? She is one Bodacious Babe.
Monday, December 11
Today In History I
Dec, 11th
384: Death of St. Damascuc I, Pope
385: Death of St. Damascuc II, Pope
386: Death of St. Damascuc III, Pope
386: Future Popes decide that Damascuc is not a lucky name.
493: Death of St. Daniel the Stylite. Distant relative to St. Daniel the Styish AKA "That Saint who dresses so nice."
1192: Richard the Lion-Hearted captured near Vienna by Leopold the Ass-Face of Austria
1282: Beheading of Llywelyn ap Gruffudd, considered last legitimate Prince of Wales. Until the use of the Guillotine in the 18th century being beheaded is referred to as "being all Gruffudded up."
1475: Pope Leo X born. Mother has the foresight to name him Pope Leo X.
1620: 103 "Mayflower" pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock. Encounter 8 foot fence installed by Native Americans to keep them out.
1792: France's King Louis the 16th went before the Convention to face charges of treason. Convention issues an edict to "Gruffudd his ass".
1830: Hawaiian King Kamehameha. The Kamehameha dynasty ended with his death on Dec. 11, 1872. born. Kamehameha is the thing to say on a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day.
1844: Dr. Horace Wells, of Hartford, CT, had a tooth extracted. He became the first to receive an anesthetic for this dental procedure. Dr. Wells expresses condolences to the poor schlep who had his tooth pulled the day before.
1882: New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia born. Mother has the foresight to name him New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia.
1882: The Bijou Theatre in Boston, MA, became the first theatre to be lighted by electricity. Also first theater to forget to turn down the lights when the movie starts.
1894: The world's first motor show opened in Paris with nine exhibitors, all named Chevrolet.
1918: Russian novelist Alexander Solzhenitsyn born. Immediately sent to prison.
1919: The kind citizens of Enterprise, Alabama dedicated the first known monument to honor the boll weevil. The weevil had destroyed cotton plants. However, by forcing folks to diversify their crops, the farmers wound up tripling their income. Also dedicated monuments to ringworm and genital warts.
1927: Nearly 400 world leaders sign a letter to President Coolidge asking the U.S. to join the World Court. President Coolidge does not choose to read.
1930: As the economic crises grows, the Bank of the U.S. closes its doors after running out of complimentary toasters.
1936: Britain's King Edward the Eighth abdicated the throne in order to marry American divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. Later disappointed when discovers Wallis Warfield Simpson is a woman.
1939: Singer Betty Grable and her famous legs were featured on the cover of "LIFE" magazine. Rest of her body judged too out of shape to be shown.
1939: Marlene Dietrich recorded "Falling In Love Again", on the Decca label. Later had to return to record it on an actual record.
1943 or 44, whichever sounds better to the voters: Senator John Kerry (Democrat, Massachusetts) born
1951: Joe DiMaggio announces his retirement from baseball, discounting it's importance by stating "Hey, they'll never write a song about it".
384: Death of St. Damascuc I, Pope
385: Death of St. Damascuc II, Pope
386: Death of St. Damascuc III, Pope
386: Future Popes decide that Damascuc is not a lucky name.
493: Death of St. Daniel the Stylite. Distant relative to St. Daniel the Styish AKA "That Saint who dresses so nice."
1192: Richard the Lion-Hearted captured near Vienna by Leopold the Ass-Face of Austria
1282: Beheading of Llywelyn ap Gruffudd, considered last legitimate Prince of Wales. Until the use of the Guillotine in the 18th century being beheaded is referred to as "being all Gruffudded up."
1475: Pope Leo X born. Mother has the foresight to name him Pope Leo X.
1620: 103 "Mayflower" pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock. Encounter 8 foot fence installed by Native Americans to keep them out.
1792: France's King Louis the 16th went before the Convention to face charges of treason. Convention issues an edict to "Gruffudd his ass".
1830: Hawaiian King Kamehameha. The Kamehameha dynasty ended with his death on Dec. 11, 1872. born. Kamehameha is the thing to say on a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day.
1844: Dr. Horace Wells, of Hartford, CT, had a tooth extracted. He became the first to receive an anesthetic for this dental procedure. Dr. Wells expresses condolences to the poor schlep who had his tooth pulled the day before.
1882: New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia born. Mother has the foresight to name him New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia.
1882: The Bijou Theatre in Boston, MA, became the first theatre to be lighted by electricity. Also first theater to forget to turn down the lights when the movie starts.
1894: The world's first motor show opened in Paris with nine exhibitors, all named Chevrolet.
1918: Russian novelist Alexander Solzhenitsyn born. Immediately sent to prison.
1919: The kind citizens of Enterprise, Alabama dedicated the first known monument to honor the boll weevil. The weevil had destroyed cotton plants. However, by forcing folks to diversify their crops, the farmers wound up tripling their income. Also dedicated monuments to ringworm and genital warts.
1927: Nearly 400 world leaders sign a letter to President Coolidge asking the U.S. to join the World Court. President Coolidge does not choose to read.
1930: As the economic crises grows, the Bank of the U.S. closes its doors after running out of complimentary toasters.
1936: Britain's King Edward the Eighth abdicated the throne in order to marry American divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. Later disappointed when discovers Wallis Warfield Simpson is a woman.
1939: Singer Betty Grable and her famous legs were featured on the cover of "LIFE" magazine. Rest of her body judged too out of shape to be shown.
1939: Marlene Dietrich recorded "Falling In Love Again", on the Decca label. Later had to return to record it on an actual record.
1943 or 44, whichever sounds better to the voters: Senator John Kerry (Democrat, Massachusetts) born
1951: Joe DiMaggio announces his retirement from baseball, discounting it's importance by stating "Hey, they'll never write a song about it".
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