Excrucio

ROME (JDT) - The Imperial Emperor Tiberius Augustus Caesar said Friday that Governor Pontius Pilate was not talking about a technique known as "crucifixion" when he said nailing suspects to a cross was a "no-brainer."

One minority religious group complained that Pilate's comments amounted to an endorsement of crucifixion, in which the victim is affixed to a wooden cross.

Tiberius Augustus, when asked about Pilate's comments, said, "This Empire doesn't crucify. We're not going to crucify."

Earlier, Imperial Press Secretary Antoius Niveus denied that Pilate had endorsed crucifixion.

"You know as a matter of common sense that the Governor of Judea is not going to be talking about crucifixion. Never would, never does, never will," Niveus said. "You think Pontius Pilate's going to slip up on something like this? No, come on."

However, during a hand washing ceremony Tuesday a reporter asked Pilate if "nailing to a cross is a no-brainer."

The Governor replied, "Well, it's a no-brainer for me but for a while there I was criticized as being the Governor for crucifixion. We don't crucify. That's not what we're involved in."

Peppered with questions about the remarks, Niveus said Pilate did not interpret the question as referring to crucifixion and the Governor did not make any comments about crucifixion. He said the question put to Pilate was loosely worded.

Asked to define nailing to a cross, Niveus said, "It's affixing someone to a cross. With nails."

Jesus Christ, executive director of The Apostles - the minority religious group that favors doing unto others what you would have them do unto you - said in a statement, "What's really a no-brainer is that no Roman official, much less the Governor of a Province, should champion crucifixion. Governor Pilate's advocacy of crucifixion sets a new human rights low at a time when human rights is already scraping the bottom of the Caesarian administration barrel."

Mr. Christ is currently in custody at an undisclosed location.