Supreme Humor

There was an article the other day outlining some of the supposedly humorous remarks made by Supreme Court justices over the years. After reading this material I can only come to one conclusion.

These people need new writers.

For example during arguments in a recent case Associate Justice Clarence Thomas had this to say while questioning one of the attorneys:

"Your argument reminds me of a story - A Chief Justice walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says 'Where did he come from?' and the parrot says 'I don't know. I woke up this morning and there he was.'"

Or in a ruling last month Associate Justice Scalia inserted this addendum:

"Clearly the ruling here has precedent in the case of the man who walked up to me on the street the other day and said he hadn't had a bite in three days -- so I bit him!"

And even recently installed Chief Justice John Roberts made this remark during his first appearance in the hearing room:

"It sure is hot in here."
"How hot is it?" the other Justices chanted in unison.
"It's so hot I saw a plaintiff suing a defendant -- and they were both walking."

Pretty lame humor, you must admit.

Except that parrot one, heh, heh. "There he was..." Precious.

Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Fatah

People seemed shocked by the Hamas victory in the Palestinian legislative elections. They can't imagine how a party could win an election when nobody thought they had a chance due to their crazy, outlandish ideas.

I'll have to ask President Gore about that.

A Single Little Piece

I was reading a story about an Oprah Book Club selection, a first person memoir, that apparently contained quite a bit of misinformation. I wondered what other books might fall into this category so I did some research.

I wanted to examine a book that was a first person memoir in the public domain that would be familiar to a large segment of readers.

I chose Moby Dick, a book that anyone who went to high school has had to slog through at one time or another. But, as I dug deeper into this work I discovered that it was more than just a long, boring story about killing a whale. No, it is much more loathsome than that.

The duplicity begins with the very first sentence, “Call me Ishmael.” After extensive research I have uncovered incontrovertible proof that the author of this work is not called “Ishmael” at all. His real name is “Herman”.

Later Herman – let’s use real names here, shall we? – runs into the captain of a whaling ship - Captain Ahab. After extensive sessions on Google and a detailed inspection of birth, death, tax, and voting records I have determined that in the past 150 years there has never been anyone born in the United States of America who has been given the name "Ahab".

Think about it. Have you ever run into anyone named Ahab?

“Joe, have you met my broker, Ahab?”

“Salesman of the year: Ahab”.

“My name is Ahab and I’m an alcoholic.”

No, I didn’t think so.

Finally, and this is the most unsettling item of all, although the entire plot of this book involves Herman's and this so-called Ahab's search for a large, white whale, there is no evidence in any nautical log, book, or almanac that this creature ever existed!

In fact, it appears that this "great white whale" is entirely a figment of Herman's imagination. Worse than that, it may actually be representing something else - although no one seems to know exactly what it really stands for.

Now, there are those who say that this isn't supposed to be a true story, that it is the tone, character, and setting that is important - not the actual facts.

Well, to these people I have but one thing to say:

Call me Skeptical.

Stop Me If You've Heard This

The other night my wife and I were having dinner with another couple. I was regaling them with a quite amusing story when, about halfway through, I noticed my wife making a cutting motion across her throat with her index finger. This threw off my timing as I paused and looked around the table, and then realized that I had already told them this story a few days before.

A lot of people might have been upset by this, but I know it is an anomaly and not indicative of my mental abilities nor does it have anything to do with my age.

So don’t worry about me. I’ll be just fine.

Stop Me If You've Heard This

The other night my wife and I were having dinner with another couple. I was regaling them with a quite amusing story when, about halfway through, I noticed my wife making a cutting motion across her throat with her index finger. This threw off my timing as I paused and looked around the table, and then realized that I had already told them this story a few days before.

A lot of people might have been upset by this, but I know it is an anomaly and not indicative of my mental abilities nor does it have anything to do with my age.

So don’t worry about me. I’ll be just fine.

Good Ol' Boys Off To College

I came across an article the other day saying that many colleges and universities in the South are "de-Southernizing" themselves thus enhancing their appeal to potential students from the North. Their assumption seems to be that attracting Northern students (who, by the way, they think are all Jewish) will heighten their reputations for diversity.

I don't think the Northern schools can sit still for this. If the North is going to lose students to the South, then the Northern schools had better cotton to the scholars from the land o' cotton.

So, with apologies to my dear mother from Tennessee...

Hey, there, Southern Man! Have you ever thought about going to college? Have you ever thought about M.I.T.?

• The highest standards in technological achievement.
  
  
• Dozens of Nobel prize winners.
  
  
• The number one ranking as the best educational institution in the United States of America.
  
  
• And some damn fine Barbeque!
  

    Admission Requirements

GPA
    Northern Students: 97
    Southern Students: 79
 
SAT
    Northern Students: 690/690/690
    Southern Students: Did you take it?  Y  N

IQ 
    Northern Students: 100 or more.
    Southern Students: 100 more or less.

Essay question
    Northern Students: How MIT will help me identify new and 
                       challenging goals in the pursuit of
                       scientific discovery.                                                                                                        
    Southern Students: How MIT will help me identify new and 
                       challenging goals in the pursuit of
                       striped bass.

So quit fiddlin', you all! It's time to prime the pickup and cruise on up to Cambridge for some quantum theory, thermal dynamics, baby back ribs, and Cajun pulled chicken.

Think about our motto:

"Mens et manus"

It means men can eat with their hands!

You're gonna love it here!

You all.