Wednesday, March 28

Do You Have Any Last Words Before Paying Your Fine?

ITT, a top manufacturer of our military's most sophisticated weaponry, has put in jeopardy US wartime tactical advantages by sharing some classified technology with foreign governments.

"There was a culture at this company where they actively and willfully worked to circumvent the U.S. laws to increase profits," said a Justice Department spokesman.

For this behavior - selling military secrets to a foreign government - ITT will suffer the swift and harsh punishment of...

A hefty fine.

Well, not exactly swift punishment. This all took place in March of 2001. They just got around to issuing the fine a couple of days ago.

Not exactly harsh, either. The fine will be suspended for five years.

That ought to teach them.

A FINE?!!!

What happened to a firing squad?

Tuesday, March 27

Countdown To Perpwalk Game

Enter the number of days until you hope think the following will show up on TV in handcuffs, orange jump suits, and leg shackles:

Lewis I. "Scooter" LibbyIn Custody
Alberto Gonzales
Karl Rove
Donald Rumsfeld
Dick Cheney
George W. Bush
Victor "Macho Man" WillisIn Custody

Monday, March 26

Bad Career Move

I read in the paper that Victor "Macho Man" Willis, the singer who dressed as a policeman in the disco band the Village People, has been arrested after a woman who identified herself as his girlfriend told the police he had choked her and threatened her with a knife.

Come on, Victor. Don't be stupid. This is just the kind of thing that could ruin your career!

I mean, a girlfriend?

Friday, March 23

Sherlock Holmes

I have been a big fan of Sherlock Holmes since junior high school so I was pretty excited to see a news story about a new Holmes motion picture that was being planned.

Excited, that is, until I read this toward the end of the story:

"...the plan is to play up Holmes' adventuresome side -- boxing, swordplay and, perhaps, aptitude on the violin -- rather than the intellectual influence placed on his sleuthing by creator Arthur Conan Doyle."

So I guess I can look forward to a new, improved, ass-kickin', sword-fightin', fiddle-playin' detective.

How inconsiderate of Doyle to place an "intellectual influence" on his creation.

Fortunately that's not something we have to worry about these days.

Just ask Karl Rove.

Tuesday, March 20

Presidential Support

Today President Bush personally called Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and "reaffirmed his strong backing of the attorney general and his support for him" according to an assistant White House press secretary.

Mr. Bush then added this personal note of encouragement: "Gonzie, you're doing a heck of a job."

I guess we all know what that means.

Gonzie, you're as good as gone.

Friday, March 16

The Phantom Of The Opera

Last weekend the weather warmed up so I thought a nice drive in the country was in order. My wife and I piled into the car and headed for the Pocono Mountains of Eastern Pennsylvania.

While driving through the countryside I noticed a sign promoting a local theater’s production of The Phantom of the Opera, one of my favorite shows. I decided it would be fun to experience an “out of town” effort and see how it compared with the New York and London productions I had seen.

When we got to the theater I suppose I should have suspected that something was wrong when I noticed that the other patrons were all dressed up as characters from the show - some as The Phantom, some as Christine, some as Raoul, and one confused young man as Dr. Dr. Frank-N-Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. In fact my wife and I were the only ones wearing “civvies”.

Despite a smallish orchestra consisting of drums, guitar, and violin we were enjoying the show pretty well until the middle of the first act - the part where The Phantom, having taken Christine to his underground lair, is explaining the layout. Suddenly, in the middle of the song, the actor playing the Phantom turned to the audience and shouted “Sing it with me, people!"

He then began clapping his hands as he sang "And in this labyrinth…”.

My wife and I were stunned, but not as stunned as when the audience bellowed back “THE PHAAAAAAANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THERE – INSIDE YOUR MIIIIIIND!”

Apparently we had wandered into a production of Sing-a-long Phantom.

I had heard of a sing-a-long version of the motion picture Sound Of Music, and my DVD copy of Grease has sing-a-long lyrics for several of the tunes, but this was something new.

I will give the audience credit, though. They were a feisty and dedicated bunch who gave it all they had. Unfortunately, some of the trickier arias were beyond the capabilities of the Eastern Pennsylvania soprano.

It might have sounded better coming from Tony Soprano.

The Phantom himself was a cross between Robert Preston and Pete Seeger, prompting the audience with the lyrics while trumpeting away with his own quite accomplished baritone:

(spoken quickly) "Come-to-me-angel-of-music"
(sung with audience) "Come to me angel of muuuuusic."
(spoken) "I-am-your-angel-of-music"
(sung) "I am your angel of muuuuusic"

Later in the car on the way home I was, if not singing out loud, certainly at least humming. "Hmm hmm hmm THE MUSIC OF THE NIIIIGHT".

"Oh, for crying out loud...", my wife complained.

"Don't you mean 'for singing out loud'?" I replied, then added "ONLY YOU CAN MAKE MY SONG TAKE FLIIIIGHT."

She smiled, turned to me, and sang, in her excellent contralto, "THAT'S ENOUGH OF MUSIC FOR TONIIIIGHT!"

Tuesday, March 13

A Special Birthday

Today is the birthday of the man who invented carbonated water

So happy birthday to chemist Joseph Priestly, LL.D, F.R.S, born in Birstall, Yorkshire on this day in 1733.

Mr. Priestly is also the first person to use the phrase "Bring it up again. We'll vote on it".

Monday, March 12

The Quotations Of Chairman Cheney

Vice President Dick Cheney recently said anti-war lawmakers in Congress are "undermining" U.S. troops in Iraq by trying to limit President Bush's spending requests for military operations.

We should listen to this wise man. He's been right about everything so far.

About the war in Iraq: "We are, in fact, making significant progress."

About the Iraqi people: "We will, in fact, be greeted as liberators."

About Saddam Hussein: "He is, in fact, absolutely devoted to trying to acquire nuclear weapons."

About the insurgents: "They are, in fact, in the last throes of the insurgency."

About Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy: "Go, in fact, f*ck yourself."

Friday, March 9

Why The Next President Will Be A John

It is a simple matter of names. There have been four presidents named John. None of the names of the other candidates even comes close.

John - 4 Presidents: John Adams, John Quincy Adams, John Tyler, and John Kennedy.

Not to mention Andrew and Lyndon Johnson

Hillary - 0 Presidents

Rudolph - 0 Presidents

Mitt - 0 Presidents

Barack - Only 1: Barack "Thomas" Jefferson

Thursday, March 8


I have a friend who is a doctor in a specialty for which, thankfully, I will never require treatment. We are,therefore, able to discuss medical matters not as physician and possible future patient, but as man to man.

Whenever I mention the need for some kind of national health care system, my doctor friend replies with this statement: "Sure, we can have the government run health care -- if you want your doctor's office run like the Department of Motor Vehicles."

Well, of course, no one wants their doctor's office to resemble, in any way, the DMV.

I mean, then you'd have to wait unbelievable periods of time before being seen by anyone who could do anything for you.

Wait, is that the doctor's office or the DMV we're talking about?

Could be either one, I guess.

Tuesday, March 6

Breaking News!

A federal jury today convicted G. Gordon "Scooter" Libby of lying about his role in the 1972 break-in at the Watergate and the leak of an undercover CIA officer's identity, finding President Richard Nixon's former chief of staff guilty of two counts of perjury, one count of making false statements, one count of obstruction of justice, and one count of breaking and entering.

The verdict culminated the 35 year trial of the highest-ranking White House official to be indicted on criminal charges in modern times.

As the jury forewoman read each guilty count in a clear, solemn voice, Libby was impassive, remaining seated at the defense table while crushing lit cigarette after lit cigarette into the palm of his hand, gazing straight ahead and displaying no visible emotion. His wife, H. Harriet Libby, sat in the front row with tears in her eyes.

A few minutes after the jury was dismissed, Libby appeared coatless and shirtless outside the federal courthouse. "We intend to file a motion for a new trial," Libby said. "If that is denied, we will go for a head shot."

Monday, March 5

Get Well Soon, Mr. Vice President

Hey, I see Vice President Dick Cheney has to go in the hospital for some treatment.

I've got an idea.

Let's send him to Walter Reed.

"What is your rank, soldier?"

"I happen to be Vice President of the United States."

"And do you have the paperwork to confirm that?"

"Well, no, I..."

"Alright, take a seat."