Tuesday, December 12

The Age Of Apple

According to a recent report nearly half of Mac owners are 55 and older. However an Apple spokesman took issue with the statistics, stating "Our customer data shows that only around 20 percent of Mac users are over the age of 55”.

“If you don’t believe it,” he added, “go to an Apple Store and see who is in there.”

Well, I’m over the age of 55 and, after a year and a half of satisfactory iPod performance, I’ve been considering buying a Mac. So I decided to take the Apple spokesman up on his challenge and visit my local Apple Store.

The problems started right at the door. A rather imposing young man with large, tattooed biceps bulging from a tight black tee shirt put his hand up and said “Hold it right there, bud. I’m going to have to see some ID.”

This took me by surprise so I stood there stammering for a moment until he said, "How old are you, anyway?"

Remembering the words of the Apple spokesman I panicked briefly and responded, "Uh, I, I, I'm...29." I tried to sound confident.

"Oh, really?" he questioned. "Well, then, what year were you born?"

I frantically tried to do the subtraction in my head while appearing nonchalant.

"1973?" Even I knew it sounded like a guess.

"Nice try," he smirked, then pointed to a small sign by the door that read "In order to enter these premises you must have been born on this date during or after the year 1977."

"Yeah, 1977. That's what I said."

"I don't think so, pops. Now move along and let some young people in."

"Yeah, move along," said the guy behind me. I swear, he didn't look a day under 45 but he was wearing baggy jeans, gigantic sneakers and a New York Knicks jersey that hung to his knees. An oversize baseball cap sat sideways on his head, but a few gray hairs managed to peek out from beneath it. "Yo, G. Let someone else have a chance," he grunted.

"Okay, 'G'," I replied as I slowly turned and walked away. Behind me I heard the doorman say "This doesn't even look like you, G.", then add, "Name three songs by the Black Eyed Peas."

I smiled as I continued down the street while "G" struggled to come up with an answer. Maybe I'm too old for Apple, but that Fergie? She is one Bodacious Babe.

Monday, December 11

Today In History I

Dec, 11th

384: Death of St. Damascuc I, Pope

385: Death of St. Damascuc II, Pope

386: Death of St. Damascuc III, Pope

386: Future Popes decide that Damascuc is not a lucky name.

493: Death of St. Daniel the Stylite. Distant relative to St. Daniel the Styish AKA "That Saint who dresses so nice."

1192: Richard the Lion-Hearted captured near Vienna by Leopold the Ass-Face of Austria

1282: Beheading of Llywelyn ap Gruffudd, considered last legitimate Prince of Wales. Until the use of the Guillotine in the 18th century being beheaded is referred to as "being all Gruffudded up."

1475: Pope Leo X born. Mother has the foresight to name him Pope Leo X.

1620: 103 "Mayflower" pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock. Encounter 8 foot fence installed by Native Americans to keep them out.

1792: France's King Louis the 16th went before the Convention to face charges of treason. Convention issues an edict to "Gruffudd his ass".

1830: Hawaiian King Kamehameha. The Kamehameha dynasty ended with his death on Dec. 11, 1872. born. Kamehameha is the thing to say on a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day.

1844: Dr. Horace Wells, of Hartford, CT, had a tooth extracted. He became the first to receive an anesthetic for this dental procedure. Dr. Wells expresses condolences to the poor schlep who had his tooth pulled the day before.

1882: New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia born. Mother has the foresight to name him New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia.

1882: The Bijou Theatre in Boston, MA, became the first theatre to be lighted by electricity. Also first theater to forget to turn down the lights when the movie starts.

1894: The world's first motor show opened in Paris with nine exhibitors, all named Chevrolet.

1918: Russian novelist Alexander Solzhenitsyn born. Immediately sent to prison.

1919: The kind citizens of Enterprise, Alabama dedicated the first known monument to honor the boll weevil. The weevil had destroyed cotton plants. However, by forcing folks to diversify their crops, the farmers wound up tripling their income. Also dedicated monuments to ringworm and genital warts.

1927: Nearly 400 world leaders sign a letter to President Coolidge asking the U.S. to join the World Court. President Coolidge does not choose to read.

1930: As the economic crises grows, the Bank of the U.S. closes its doors after running out of complimentary toasters.

1936: Britain's King Edward the Eighth abdicated the throne in order to marry American divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. Later disappointed when discovers Wallis Warfield Simpson is a woman.

1939: Singer Betty Grable and her famous legs were featured on the cover of "LIFE" magazine. Rest of her body judged too out of shape to be shown.

1939: Marlene Dietrich recorded "Falling In Love Again", on the Decca label. Later had to return to record it on an actual record.

1943 or 44, whichever sounds better to the voters: Senator John Kerry (Democrat, Massachusetts) born

1951: Joe DiMaggio announces his retirement from baseball, discounting it's importance by stating "Hey, they'll never write a song about it".

Friday, November 17


So far the makers of the movie Borat have been sued by College Students, an Etiquette School, and a Romania Village. The lawsuits all claim the plaintiffs suffered severe mental anguish and emotional and mental distress.

You know what caused me severe mental anguish and emotional and mental distress?

People with no sense of humor.

Thursday, November 2

I'm Sooooo Sorry!

I was at a dinner party last night during which I was asked to make a few remarks. I now feel compelled to issue the following statement.

First of all let me say that no one respects the Polish people more than I, and I would never intentionally do or say anything to offend them or their families. I simply botched a joke that did not come out the way I intended

I also apologize to the light bulb manufacturers of America and their families. I am certainly aware - and let me be crystal clear - that light bulbs are an invaluable invention and are in no way so complicated that more than one - and only one - person would ever be required to screw them in.

And to the members of the ladder community let me say that I do not and never have advocated, suggested or condoned moving or rotating a ladder in any way while someone is standing on it.

Thank you.

Friday, October 27


ROME (JDT) - The Imperial Emperor Tiberius Augustus Caesar said Friday that Governor Pontius Pilate was not talking about a technique known as "crucifixion" when he said nailing suspects to a cross was a "no-brainer."

One minority religious group complained that Pilate's comments amounted to an endorsement of crucifixion, in which the victim is affixed to a wooden cross.

Tiberius Augustus, when asked about Pilate's comments, said, "This Empire doesn't crucify. We're not going to crucify."

Earlier, Imperial Press Secretary Antoius Niveus denied that Pilate had endorsed crucifixion.

"You know as a matter of common sense that the Governor of Judea is not going to be talking about crucifixion. Never would, never does, never will," Niveus said. "You think Pontius Pilate's going to slip up on something like this? No, come on."

However, during a hand washing ceremony Tuesday a reporter asked Pilate if "nailing to a cross is a no-brainer."

The Governor replied, "Well, it's a no-brainer for me but for a while there I was criticized as being the Governor for crucifixion. We don't crucify. That's not what we're involved in."

Peppered with questions about the remarks, Niveus said Pilate did not interpret the question as referring to crucifixion and the Governor did not make any comments about crucifixion. He said the question put to Pilate was loosely worded.

Asked to define nailing to a cross, Niveus said, "It's affixing someone to a cross. With nails."

Jesus Christ, executive director of The Apostles - the minority religious group that favors doing unto others what you would have them do unto you - said in a statement, "What's really a no-brainer is that no Roman official, much less the Governor of a Province, should champion crucifixion. Governor Pilate's advocacy of crucifixion sets a new human rights low at a time when human rights is already scraping the bottom of the Caesarian administration barrel."

Mr. Christ is currently in custody at an undisclosed location.

Thursday, October 26

New Slogan

Following some controversy regarding The President's plan to avoid the term "Stay The Course" and instead change the way he is doing things, Mr. Bush has issued this statement:

Some say that changing the course is not the correct approach. That we should not change anything. That we should continue the same path.

That would be a grave mistake.

And let me be clear.

I don't care if the only ones who support my decision are my wife and my dog.

I will not budge from my willingness to change.

Therefore the new guiding principle for the United States will be defined by the following phrase:

"Stay the Change."

Tuesday, October 24

Off Course

Washington, DC (JDT) - President Bush has now declared that he will no longer use the term "Stay The Course".

“Stay the course means keep doing what you’re doing,” Mr. Bush said. “My attitude is, don’t do what you’re doing if it’s not working; change.”

"In other words", explained Presidential Phrase Adviser Winston Smith in a follow-up interview, "Stay The Course means Change The Course."

He added: “Stay the course also means don’t leave before the job is done. And not leaving before the job is done means don't bother to finish the job before leaving.”

In addition to his duties as advisor to the President, Mr. Smith is also a member of the White House speech writing staff. He is currently working on a speech Mr. Bush plans to deliver immediately following the upcoming Congressional elections.

The title of that speech?

"Losing Means Winning".

Monday, October 23

Penmanship: The Lost Art

A convicted killer facing lethal injection committed suicide by slitting his throat in his Texas death row cell on Thursday.

He was found in a pool of blood by officers making a routine check. He was pronounced dead at a hospital.

He had apparently scrawled words in blood on the wall of his cell.

Prison officials said they could not quite make out what he wrote.

"It's totally illegible," said one guard who asked not to be identified. "I think part of it said 'I'm sorry' but it could have been 'sonny' or even 'soggy'".

When asked why a man facing imminent execution would write "I'm soggy" the guard had no comment.

Saturday, October 21

The Congressman And The Priest

A Roman Catholic Priest, The Rev. Anthony Mercieca, and Former Congressman Mark Foley are laughing off questions about their sexuality and rumors that they're anything more than just pals.

"We had a few drinks. We tried it. Wasn't for us," Foley jokes in a recent interview that addresses rumors about them being gay.

"Our friendship just kind of developed," says the priest.

Father Mercieca, who has known Foley for over thirty years, stresses that despite the raised-eyebrows they've gotten due to photos of them – often shirtless – biking, running and partying together, they are just buddies.

"I think people see pictures and they think we're these overgrown frat guys, but we all have those kinds of relationships – and relationship isn't a bad word," says Father Mercieca. "I mean, we all have buds, we all take guy trips, but you take something very normal like a nude massage and people start talking. "

Foley goes further to defend their relationship saying, "A lot of people don’t understand friendship and brotherhood. I have a great friend in him. I’d do anything he asked me to, even though he’d probably never ask me to, and he feels the same way. It’s fun going out, having a few drinks, and living life and doing things at the drop of a hat."

"Or the drop of a swim suit," jokes the cleric, eyeing a nearby swimming hole.

Father Mercieca, 69, calls Foley, 53, the "Congress Man," and says the legislator’s laid back style has been a good influence on him – especially when it comes to gossip and potential legal action. "His idea is like, 'Look, it is what it is, so go out there, have a few drinks, and have some fun.' He’s truly carefree – which is to say, he truly doesn't care."

"I'll drink to that," confirmed the disgraced Floridian. "Now who's up for a massage?"

Thursday, October 19

Star Bucks Episode II: A New Hope

My item about the neighborhood Starbucks that went out of business has prompted so much pessimism among loyal readers that I feel compelled to call attention to an item of hope.

The two nail salons on either side of the defunct Starbucks, as well as the one across the street, are all doing fine.

So thank you Mee Mee, Ling Nu, and Phar.

You reassure us in these troubled times.

Wednesday, October 18

So Long, It's Been Good To Know You

The other day while I was taking my usual Sunday afternoon walkabout through the streets of the Upper East Side I came across a remarkable site.

A Starbucks was closing.

Not just for the day.



Out o' business.

That's it. Prepare for the apocalypse. The end is near.

Monday, October 16

Minority Report

I heard a news report this morning saying that married couples are now in the minority in America. And in Manhattan, where my wife and I reside, only 26% of couples are married. If you check the census tables that puts us just a shade below Latvians and just a smidge above Republicans.

Being a middle-aged white male I am unaccustomed to being a minority. It is an odd feeling, and quite frankly I'm not sure I'm prepared to deal with it.

First of all you have to come up with a catchy name for your "community".

What can you call the married couple community?

"The Wedded Party"?

"Spouses United For Peace And Justice"?

"The Conjugal Community"? Hmmm...

"We, the members of the Conjugal Community, demand respect and equal rights from the hedonistic, bachelorist exploiters."

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Then there is the slogan. You can't have a community without a slogan.

"Say it loud, we're legally bound to one another and we're proud"?

"No Justice of the Peace, No Peace"?
(Actually, in my case, "No Anniversary Present, No Peace" is probably more accurate. )

No, if you really want to get down to the nitty-gritty it's got to be, "Keep your hands off my married-filing-jointly tax break!"


Well, slogan or no slogan, one thing is for sure.

I'm not moving to the back of the bus.

Unless, of course, my wife tells me I have to.

Friday, October 13

Wednesday, October 11

Young Democracy

At his recent press conference President Bush declared, in reference to Iraq, “We're helping this young democracy succeed.”

Exactly what kind of help are we giving this young democracy?

USA76: yo, dude wassup

SUNNIBOY: scrounging for food brb

USA76: kool

SUNNIBOY: Not really. I actually have to scrounge for food. Also clean water and electricity.

USA76: lol!

SUNNIBOY: It’s frustrating trying to survive here now.

USA76: maybe u need a massage


USA76: u no. 2 help u rlx

SUNNIBOY: We can’t relax until we have established a stable government.

USA76: what color r ur underpants

SUNNIBOY: I'm not wearing underpants.

USA76: ummmmmmmmmmmm

SUNNIBOY: That's another thing we have to scrounge for.

USA76: then what r u wearing

SUNNIBOY: That has no relevance to the issue at hand.

USA76: speaking if the issue at hand, y dont u get a ruler and

SUNNIBOY: This conversation is is starting to make me uncomfortable.

USA76: whats the matter? too over friendly?

SUNNIBOY: You could say that. oh oh. brb…insurgents are yelling

USA76: r they in their last throes

SUNNIBOY: haha. not likely.

USA76: talk tomorrow?

SUNNIBOY: Whatever.

USA76: ok. b4n. lol. e pluribus unum.

Monday, October 9

Hey, Old Timer.

I recently caught myself talking like an old man.

Being a Baby Boomer I am, of course, rather sensitive when it comes to aging. In fact I identified my age as “late twenties/early thirties” until I was 42 years old. Now that I’m in my late forties/early fifties it is even worse.

So recently when I was having a conversation with my wife and I realized I was contradicting and complaining about everything she said, it came as quite a shock. I could hear my voice, but the words coming out were those of Old Man Krabbit, who lived across the street from us when I was a kid.

Old Man Krabbit never had a nice day, never met a man he liked, always griped about the weather, complained about ill behaved children, hated dogs, and was generally a miserable person.

Now here I was, acting the same way. I was even on the verge of using the word "tarnation".

So I bit my tongue, apologized to the Missus, and vowed not to be so gol darn cantankerous.

I mean, I’m too young to act like an old man.


Friday, October 6

Overly Over-Friendly Email

I have mentioned before the over friendly email I received from the Republican Party asking me for a “contribution” and also for “support”. I was hoping this was some sort of anomaly and that if I ignored it they would leave me alone.

Sadly, that is not the case. And now things are getting just a little bit scary.

I have received another email from them, and in this one they are asking about – it makes me sick to think of it – the “size” of my “contribution”.

Have they no decency?

Wednesday, October 4

That Poor Man

I never thought I'd say it, but I'm beginning to feel sorry for Saddam Hussein, especially after reading this recent disclosure:

The former Iraqi dictator who stepped down following the invasion of his country by American forces has checked himself into rehab.

Ex-President Saddam Hussein says he is seeking help for alcoholism.

Hussein issued a statement, saying he has deep regrets and accepts full responsibility for the harm he has caused.

The former Supreme Ruler, now on trial for mass murder and genocide, then issued a series of revelations from rehab, including a claim that he had been sexually abused as a teen.

Attorney Ramsey Clark, speaking on Hussein's behalf at a Baghdad news conference Tuesday, said Hussein was molested between ages 13 and 15 by a mullah.

He declined to identify the mullah.

"Saddam does not blame the trauma he sustained as a young adolescent for his totally inappropriate genocide", Clark said. "He continues to offer no excuse whatsoever for his conduct."

Clark, who spoke for Hussein while he is in rehab for alcohol abuse and mental illness, said Hussein denied gassing thousands of innocent civilians and that he was under the influence of alcohol when he ordered the murder of dozens of his political opponents and their families.

"There was absolutely no inappropriate gassing of religious minorities... and any suggestion that Saddam Hussein is a homicidal monster is false," Clark said.

Clark also acknowledged for the first time that the former President For Life is gay, saying the disclosure was part of his client's "recovery."

"Saddam Hussein wants you to know he is a gay man," Clark said.

Monday, October 2

Over-Friendly Emails

I’m going to have to complain to House Speaker Dennis Hastert about an "over-friendly" e-mail that I received from the Republican Party recently. In the email they suggestively asked for not only a “contribution” but also for unspecified “support”. Then they asked me to contact my friends to see if they would also make a “contribution”.

The only problem is I’m not a Republican, so I am quite disturbed by these unwanted advances. But I feel a little better now that I know I'm not the only one being harassed.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a problem with Republicans.

Some say that Republicans choose to be the way they are, that it is some kind of “lifestyle choice”.

I don’t agree.

I think they are just born that way.

Friday, September 29

How I Know There Is A God

There is e-coli in spinach. I can never feel comfortable eating spinach again.

There is no e-coli in ice cream.

Thanks be to God.

Wednesday, September 27

The National Intelligence Estimate

Following the release of the National Intelligence Estimate stating that the war in Iraq is merely producing more and more terrorists, President Bush cleverly suggested that since we weren’t in Iraq on 9/11 yet we were still attacked by terrorists the fact that “Some people have…concluded that going into Iraq was a mistake" is "naive.”

Well, forgive me, Mr. President, but as I recall there was someone else who was not in Iraq on 9/11.

That would be Osama bin Laden.


There is a lot of arguing going on about this National Intelligence Estimate. Both sides think it supports what they believe.

But there is a much more definitive Estimate of National Intelligence coming soon.

That would be Election Day, Nov. 7, 2006.

Thursday, September 21

What's in a name?

The other day President Bush said he would never question the patriotism of someone who disagreed with him. As an example of people who disagree with him he offered those who were not vigorous enough in their support of The Patriot Act.

How can you say you're not questioning someone's patriotism while at the same time complaining that they don't support The Patriot Act?

I don't blame the President, though. Congress should be more careful when it comes to giving names to these Acts of theirs.

For example right now Congress is trying to decide what kind of treatment detainees can be subjected to. Suppose they pass a bill that would allow guard dogs to attack prisoners so they would be more cooperative. This bill would probably be called something like The Warm Puppies For Detainees Act.

Now, most reasonable people would not favor allowing guard dogs to attack people in jail. But in a post 9/11 world you have to ask yourself just what kind of sick pervert would oppose Warm Puppies For Detainees?

Why, those dirty, low-down traitors who disagree with the President, that's who.

Monday, September 18

Papal mug shot

Following his recent DUI arrest we've been able to aquire this shot of Pope Benedict XVI in custody.

Article 3

President Bush says he wants to "clarify" Common Article 3 of the Geneva Accords which outlines how prisoners of war should be treated.

Just how unclear is Article 3?

You be the judge:

Persons taking no active part in the hostilities, including members of armed forces who have laid down their arms and those placed ' hors de combat ' by sickness, wounds, detention, or any other cause, shall in all circumstances be treated humanely, without any adverse distinction founded on race, colour, religion or faith, sex, birth or wealth, or any other similar criteria.

To this end, the following acts are and shall remain prohibited at any time and in any place whatsoever with respect to the above-mentioned persons:

(a) violence to life and person, in particular murder of all kinds, mutilation, cruel treatment and torture;

(b) taking of hostages;

(c) outrages upon personal dignity, in particular humiliating and degrading treatment;

(d) the passing of sentences and the carrying out of executions without previous judgment pronounced by a regularly constituted court, affording all the judicial guarantees which are recognized as indispensable by civilized peoples.

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty confused. What exactly do they mean by "murder..., mutilation, cruel treatment and torture"?

I'm sure President Bush can clarify that for us.

Saturday, September 16

That Darn Pope

It looks like Pope Benedict XVI has offended some members of the Muslim community. Here are the facts as we know them.

Last week The Pontiff was pulled over by the Malibu police while driving erratically on the Pacific Coast Highway. When a breathalyzer test was administered it showed a blood alcohol level of .12, well over the limit for driving while intoxicated.

The arresting officer said His Holiness was belligerent and asked him "Are you a Muslim?" and then added "the Muslims are responsible for all the wars in the world!"

Later a spokesman for the Vatican said Benedict “"sincerely regrets" that Muslims have been offended by some of his words.

Sunday, September 10

Dramatic License

ABC is airing a new miniseries called "The Path To 9/11". Many of the people who were actually involved in this period are upset because ABC has chosen to present the information in a way that is not entirely accurate. ABC claims that since the program is a dramatization it has no obligation to stick to the truth.

Here are a few more non-factual dramatizations that ABC is planning for this season.

1. "Massah Abe" which explores the path to Civil War while showing Abraham Lincoln as the owner of over two dozen slaves. Making Lincoln a hypocritical dealer in human chattel was deemed to have more dramatic appeal than just being a silly old Great Emancipator.

2. "The Eight Commandments" which shows Moses leading his people through the desert to escape from Egypt and receiving the Law of God on Mount Ararat. For the sake of the dramatic flow it was decided that ten was too many commandments so those "covet" ones were left out.

3. "George W. Bush: The Path To Legendocialness" which tracks our beloved 43rd president in his fast-track rise to power culminating in his overwhelming victory in the 2000 election, winning all 50 states, and dynamic re-election in 2004, winning all 52 states.

Thursday, August 24

Sorry, Pluto

The International Astronomical Union has declared that Pluto is no longer a real planet. They say Pluto is now a "Dwarf" planet. They added that the asteroid Ceres and something called "2003 UB313" are also "Dwarf" planets.

Meanwhile the American Association of Little Planets has filed suit against the International Astronomical Union claiming insensitivity in their use of the term "Dwarf".

Sunday, August 20

I See Drunk People

I see Haley Joel Osment - apparently forever to be known as the star of The Sixth Sense - was charged with a driving under the influence of alcohol. According to police reports he lost control of his 1995 Saturn and crashed into a tree.

How embarassing.

I mean, a 1995 Saturn?

Friday, August 18

Andrew Young

According to the New York Times Andrew Young, a former mayor of Atlanta and a former United States representative to the United Nations, stated in his role as Wal-Mart Spokesman that Jewish, Arab and Korean shop owners had “ripped off” urban communities for years, “selling us stale bread, and bad meat and wilted vegetables.”

Later Mr. Young apologized and resigned as Wal-Mart Spokesman.

I guess it could have been worse. At least he didn’t blame those Jewish, Arab and Korean shop owners for starting all the wars.

And I don’t feel too badly about him resigning. After all, the position of Wal-Mart Spokesman only pays $5.15 an hour with no health benefits.

Wednesday, August 9

Cynical? Yeah, Right.

On one of the Sunday Morning news shows the panelists were bemoaning the fact that 20-34 year old males who get their news from watching The Daily Show tend to be cynical about politicians.

And what, exactly, is wrong with that?

Sure, we'd all like to believe that politicians are dedicated public servants who are only interested in the betterment of society and the nation.

We'd all like to believe that George W. Bush is a wily good ol' boy with a secret plan to fix up the Middle East, too.

But as we enter our 20-34 years we outgrow our belief in fairy tales.

Face it, there are only 3 things that a politician really believes in:

1. Getting re-elected.
2. Getting re-elected.
3. Getting re-elected.

Of course, I suppose if you're a politician you have to believe that it is only through re-election that you can accomplish the betterment of society and the nation.

The problem is getting Jon Stewart to believe it too.

Wednesday, August 2

The Driving Of The Mel

When Mel Gibson was stopped for drunk driving he blew a .12 blood alcohol. The legal limit is .08 but even .06 can affect you. In fact according to the National Institues of Health here is how different levels of blood alcohol would affect a 185 pound man:
.06: Becomes very relaxed and even sleepy.
Begins to suspect some undefined ethnic group is
behind this.

.08: Judgment is impaired. Begins to notice people
wearing yarmulkes.

.10: Wonders exactly how you spell yarmulkes.
Because of this begins to resent people who
wear them.

.12: Experiences mood swings between a preternatural
need to drive a motor vehicle and an
uncontrollable desire to know who is responsible
for all the wars.

.14: Feels an irresistable urge to make insufferable
motion pictures.

.20: Realized he must meet with Jewish leaders for a
one-on-one discussion - and teach those bastards
a lesson once and for all!

Thursday, July 27

My Dad

My mother called the other day to tell me “Your father’s has been hurt.” My 82 year old father still has an aura of indestructibility about him so this came as quite a shock. I immediately pictured him lying in the street after being hit by a car or flat on his back in the kitchen after slipping on a puddle of spilt milk.

“My God,” I said. “What happened?”

“Oh, he was playing baseball and got hit in the mouth,” sighed my mother.

I read in the paper the other day about some old time baseball player who, at 95, was put into a minor league game so he could claim to be the oldest person ever to play baseball.

That puts my father number 2 on the list. He's in a league for players over the age of 70. No one has yet displayed the optimism to start a league for players over the age of 80, but when they do he'll be the first to sign up.

“Put him on,” I said.

“Hello?” He sounded a little guilty.

“What happened?” I asked accusingly. “Couldn’t handle a hot liner?”

“Nah!” he grunted dismissively. “Walked up behind the guy on deck and got hit by his bat. I guess he wasn’t looking.” He paused, and then added proudly, “I chipped a tooth and split my lip.”

“Ouch!” I exclaimed. “What did you do?”

“Oh, I went two for four with a walk and 3 RBIs.”

“I mean did you go to the hospital?”

“Yeah, after the game. Got a tetanus shot. Man, that hurt!”

“You mean you finished the game with a bloody lip?”

“I was due up third." He sounded offended. "I’m not like these players today - take a day off just because they have a sore back or something. Heck, when I’m out there I hurt from head to toe and I don’t let it stop me.”

“Players today are a bunch of wimps!” I said, getting into the spirit of his outrage. “’What’s the matter?'," I mocked an imaginary millionaire major leaguer. "'Did you hurt your knee?’”

“Let me kiss it with my bloody lip!” added my dad.

We had a good laugh over that one.

I have to admire my dad. He's one of these "Greatest Generation" guys. You know, they grew up in the Depression then they won World War II.

But that is just a part of their greatness.

I think what really makes them great is something more basic than that.

They aren't afraid to play hurt.

Monday, July 17

Presidental Obcenation

ST. PETERSBURG, Russia - It wasn't meant to be overheard. Private luncheon conversations among world leaders, picked up by a microphone, provided a rare window into both banter and substance — including President Bush cursing Hezbollah's attacks against Israel.

Bush expressed his frustration with the United Nations and his disgust with the militant Islamic group and its backers in Syria as he talked to British Prime Minister Tony Blair during the closing lunch at the Group of Eight summit.

"See the irony is that what they need to do is to get Hezbollah to stop doing this s--- and it's over," Bush told Blair as he chewed on a buttered roll.

"F---ing A", replied Blair. "Those A--h---s."

Bush then told Blair he felt like telling U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan, who visited the gathered leaders, to “kiss my a—“.

"Oh, h--- yes!" agreed Blair. "That m-----f----- should do some serious a-- kissing."

The President also suggested Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice might “visit the f---ing region soon” because when it comes to negotiation "she is the s---!"

Finally, just before noticing the microphone was live, Mr. Bush added that the luncheon tasted like “s--- on a shingle”.

"Hot s--- on a shingle," said Blair. "Hot s--- on a m-----f---ing shingle."

When an aide mentioned that the microphone had been on the whole time, Bush and Blair exclaimed simultaneously "Oh s---, we're f---ed!"

Monday, May 29

Male Non-Bonding

I was sitting at the counter in a Madison Avenue diner enjoying a bagel and coffee when two young women came in and sat next to me. They were both laughing and talking excitedly to each other, but I was too polite to hear what they were saying.

Then one gave the other a present which, when unwrapped, turned out to be a book. I managed to overcome my politeness long enough to glance over and see the title was "The Girlfriends' Guide To Pregnancy." It was touching to see her friend's gesture of support and encouragement during such a life changing time.

I envy women. Men never get this kind of support. Men are expected to face their kinds of crises alone, without hope of assistance, trapped in an eternal bubble of emotional isolation.

You would never see a man give another man a book like "Hey, Buddy, Don't Let Your Crappy Job Get You Down!" or "The Boyfriends Guide To Impotence."

Not if he didn't want to get punched in the nose!

Monday, May 15

The Da Vinci Code

Some religious leaders are complaining about the new movie, The Da Vinci Code, saying that most of what it says about historical Christianity is not true.

I guess no one pointed out to these religious leaders that The Da Vinci Code IS A MOVIE! IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TRUE!

Movies are stories. They are meant to entertain. Sometimes they impart knowledge. Occasionally they may have something to say about right and wrong.

When you think about it, that's not so different from what religious leaders are supposed to do.

Saturday, May 13

A Small Amount

My local NPR station was doing it's fund raising this week. They always say things like "If you pledge $75 it's only twenty cents a day" or "Just $365 - only a dollar a day." when they are asking for money. Spreading the cost out like that it makes it seem like it's not so much. They never say "That's $750 over 10 years" or "In five years that will add up to almost $2,000!"

The government should try spreading out the cost of the war in Iraq. Now all we hear is "It is costing over 5 billion dollars a week." That sounds pretty expensive.

Let's get out the calculator and see what we can do to help our government out.

Okay, here, you can put it as "Only $177 million a day..." Well, I guess that's still a lot.

But how about "Isn't it worth $122,820 per minute..."

No, still sounds too high.

Let's try "For a mere $2,047 per second..."

$2,047 per second?!!!

Man, this freaking war is getting expensive!

Wednesday, May 10

Man Shoots Bear

Bad news.

The bear that wandered into Newark, NJ, yesterday was today shot to death by Irvington, NJ, police. The police said the bear was approaching them in a threatening manner.

Following the shooting police said they found a .22 caliber pistol on the bear.

The Newark Bear

Several newspapers are reporting that a black bear has wandered from rural New Jersey into the city of Newark where it is being pursued by police and animal control officers.

About 20 minutes after entering Newark the bear was stolen and taken for a joy ride.

Tuesday, May 9

Double Entendre

A couple of people noticed that in my last post I mentioned that my dog and I "came across" a homeless man. They made light of my inadvertent double entendre.

Actually, it was only one person.

You know who you are.

Anyway, I apologize. I strive mightily to avoid writing anything that might have any type of double meaning, but sometimes I just can't help making a boner.

Monday, May 8

Makes You Think

The other morning I was walking my dog, Spike, when we came across a homeless man urinating in a trash can.

"Disgusting", I thought, then looked down at Spike to get his reactions.

He was urinating on a mailbox.

Makes you think.

Saturday, May 6


I read a story in the paper the other day stating "A child who is obese at age 13 has an 80% chance of being overweight at age 35."

My first thought is "So, what's wrong with that?" It seems to me that being overweigh is an improvement over being obese.

Obese at 13.

Overweight at 35.

Who knows? By the time he hits 50 this kid could be thin as a rail.

Thursday, May 4

Our National Anthem

I'm not sure if I got this right, but I thought I heard on the radio that people were singing the National Anthem in Yiddish! Based on my experience with night club comics and The Nanny I can only imagine what that must be like:

Oy vey, can you see
What we kvelled at last night?
In the twilight's last glow
Not a shmatte we're hailing.
Yes the stripes were so broad
And the stars were just right
With such shpilkes we watched
It so gallantly sailing!
And the rockets' red glitz,
The bombs plotzing a schvitz,
Gave nakhes in the night
That our flag there still sits:
Oy vey, does that spangling star banner wave yet
If not then I know that we'll all be ferklempt.

Wednesday, April 12

For Crying Out Loud

I was cruising around the radio dial the other night when I heard this statement come wafting across the airwaves:

"I didn't vote for Kerry because he shot himself in the leg so he could get a Purple Heart."

A year and a half after the election and they're still humping this lie? What's wrong with these people? It's not enough they won the election? Why do they still feel it's necessary to malign their opponent?

I guess they feel they can take pride in the fact that their candidate has never had any questions raised about his Purple Heart because ...

Oh, right. I almost forgot.

He was AWOL at the time.

Monday, April 10

re: Libby Gospel

Kathyr, a reader of my previous post, "The Gospel According To Libby", poses this conundrum:

"What about the 30 pieces of silver? Does Libby have to give them back?"

The answer, Kathy, is no.

In fact, because current political contribution limits allow payoffs donations of up to 1,000 pieces of silver, there are still quite a few pieces of silver left to be spread around.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Sunday, April 9

The Gospel According To Libby

A judicial transcript, including the only known text of the Testimony of Libby, has surfaced and it portrays I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby not as a betrayer of President George W. Bush but as his favored disciple and willing collaborator.

In this text, scholars reported yesterday, the account of events leading to the release of classified documents differs sharply from previous administration statements. Here Bush is said to entrust Libby with special knowledge and ask him to pass this information to a New York Times reporter. By doing so, he tells Libby, "you will exceed" the other disciples.

"You will be cursed by the other generations, and you will come to rule over them," Bush confides to Libby according to the testimony, which was made public at a news conference at the United States Federal Court in Washington.

Though some pundits have hypothesized the "good Libby" before, reporters who have studied the testimony said this was the first time a legal document lent specific support to a revised image of the man whose name has recently been synonymous with treachery.

New analysts say the release of the document will set off years of study and debate. Already, some reporters are saying that this testimony sheds new light on the relationship between Bush and Libby, revealing strands of a secret political strategy running through the beliefs expressed by some branches of the Republican Party.

Thursday, March 30

Movie Outlet

My wife and I drove up to Rhode Island over the weekend and on the way we stopped for a bite to eat at a Denny's I know just off of I-95. I only go to Denny's for the hash brown potatoes, which, despite its having over 40,000 restaurants, I have not found duplicated anywhere in New York City.

As we sat enjoying our food I happened to look out the window and notice that there was an outlet center across the street. A large sign listed the stores available and, at the bottom, a small notice said "Cinema VII".

I wondered what kind of movies would be showing at an outlet cinema so, after paying the astonishingly small check, we took a walk over.

Here is what I found.

  • All the movies seemed to be either 29 minutes or 9 1/2 hours long ("Yeah, we had some 2 hours films last week, but they went pretty fast").

  • Several came in only one color ("We've got Godfather III in red, House of Wax in green, and I Am Curious in yellow").

  • Quite a few were missing some features that you think would be pretty standard ("Well, you didn't expect to get a soundtrack at these prices, did you?")

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to see a movie that day - although I was tempted by a silent, 29 minute, all blue version of Titanic - but as we drove away I made a mental note to stop on the way back just to check what the new inventory looked like.

Who knows? I might find a real bargain.

Friday, March 17


I confess. I like yogurt. I even have it for lunch once in a while.

Today I pulled back the aluminum seal, took in the tart fragrance, and then licked that thin layer that always clings to the foil. After my tongue had cleared away the viscous peachy paste, I noticed something printed on the underside of the seal.

"Check out sogoodgirls.com", it said. "Real women, real stories, real inspiration."

What's up with that? Don't they think real men with real stories eat yogurt? Is it just some kind of chick dish?

Well, I'm sorry Yogurt, but I can't have my masculinity questioned again. Even though I love you, I'm going to have to give you up.

So tomorrow for lunch I'll be having some good old manly cottage cheese.

And I'm not sharing it with my cat, either.

Wednesday, March 15


I just noticed that my first post was March 15, 2005 (the Ides of March... Coincidence?) so this marks the first anniversary of JDTimes. This seems like a good time to reflect on some blogging statistics.

  • The average blogger only posts 10.6 times and then gives up, so posting for a whole years is quite an accomplishment.

  • 79% of bloggers who stick with it for one year go on to make lots of money.

  • 63.5% of bloggers who stick with it for one year are thought of as better looking than those who don't.

  • An astonishing 98% of bloggers who stick with it for one year are thought of as sensible people whose advice is considered well worth following, especially by their wives and teenage children.

Oh, and 100% of bloggers, no matter how long they stick with it, make up statistics to fit whatever story they are trying to tell.

Monday, March 13

Lose 10 Lbs. Of Ugly Fat

I am not a slender man. In fact, I have battled a weight problem my entire life.

Deep down inside, though, I truly believe that I am not overweight.

I am merely too short.

The fact is if I were only about 9 inches taller my weight would be ideal.

In any case, I was intrigued to read about some new digital cameras that claim to make the person in the picture look slimmer. I happen to know that Nelson, my nemesis who always has the latest everything, would have one of these cameras. I called him up and he agreed to let me borrow it.

As a test I first took a picture of myself using the normal setting so I could see what I look like in everyday life

Some of you are probably saying "Yeah, he battled a weight problem - and lost!"

Just remember, the camera adds 10 pounds.

Now, here is a picture of me using the 'slim' setting:

No doubt about it. I'm getting one of these cameras.

Friday, March 10

The Long War

I see that the Bush administration has started referring to the War on Terror as "The Long War". That's a pretty catchy title. Not as alliterative as "World War II" or as descriptive as "The War Between The States", but serviceable.

One thing to consider, though, is if there has been any thought given to how we will know when "The Long War" is over. I only ask because we wartime Americans are being asked to sacrifice a variety of civil liberties, and I think it is only natural to wonder when we’ll know it’s okay for these liberties to be restored.

Will there be a VLW Day like there was VE Day and VJ Day? Will we see jubilant strangers kissing in Times Square? Will there be tickertape parades to welcome back the LW troops?

And just how old will those troops be when they come marching home? Sixty-five? Eighty-five?

Could it be that this will be the first war where the majority of the casualties are caused by old age?

I’d just like to know.

Tuesday, March 7

Wherefore Art Thou, Walmart?

I saw this story in the New York Times about how Walmart is trying to get bloggers to participate in a public relations campaign designed to improve the company's image. Since I had recently written a post somewhat related to Walmart I eagerly checked my email to see if I had been solicited.

No such luck.

I guess if you go a little bit "negative" about Walmart you don't get to be one of the chosen few. That's okay; I'm not about to change my stance on this fine example of American entrepreneurship just to curry favor with the intelligent and perceptive executive who selects these lucky bloggers. After all, I have my dignity to think of. A dignity, I might point out, which I often maintain by donning the fine apparel available at Walmart.

Sure, it would have been flattering to be asked to extol the virtues of the mighty Arkansas retailer, to point out the unbelievable bargains available within it’s hallowed walls, the excellent selection spread out across its voluminous aisles, the indisputable quality of its serendipitous commodities…

Are you listening, Walmart?

Thursday, March 2

Walton's Woodpeckers

Ornithologists report that a flock of ivory-billed woodpeckers, a species once thought to be extinct, has been discovered in rural Arkansas on the estate of Sam Walton, founder of Walmart.

Researchers said the birds, once known as the "Lord God" bird because they were so spectacular that when they were seen people would remark, "Lord, God what a bird!", have ivory-colored bills, white wing patches and are about 13 inches from wrist to tail. The males have a red crest of feathers on their head, make $5.15 an hour, and have no health plan.

Wednesday, March 1

When Is A Blackmailer Not A Blackmailer?

Over the weekend I heard a couple of Senators say, regarding Dubai Port World managing American ports, that if we don't go through with the deal the company, owned by the United Arab Emerates, could make things difficult for us in other parts of the world.

How come when a terrorist blackmails you it's called blackmail, but when a business blackmails you it called business?

Nothing personal, you understand. Just business.

Monday, February 27

News Flash

More Protests Against Offensive Cartoons.

HOLLYWOOD (JDT) - Militant members of the speech impediment movement are recruiting an army to protest the portrayal of their group in a series of cartoons appearing on a variety of cable outlets.

Said spokesperson Roger Rabet, "Shtory linesh that demean pershonsh with overly developed overbithsh are eshthpethially offenshive."

Wiping his face Elmo Fadd, recording secretary of WASCAL (We Are Seriously Concerned About Language) added,"There is no weason to bewittow doze who awe wingguisticawwy chowanged."

And perhaps most touching of all was the plaintive cry of press liaison T. Wheaty Byrd:

"“I tawt I taw a tawtless 'toon."

Saturday, February 25

My Objective Opinion

We were just finishing dinner when the phone rang. My wife picked it up, said "Why, yes, he's right here", and handed it to me with a disturbing look of bemusement in her eye.

“Hello”, said a rather young sounding female voice. “This is Mindy with the Associated Survey Service. Are you the head of the house?”

“No”, I said, scowling at my wife, “But I’m married to her.”

“I’m sorry?” said a confused Mindy. “I can only speak to the head…”

“Yes, yes, that’s me,” I grunted. I didn't mean to be rude, but regular readers of these posts will know that I have not had good experiences with telephone surveyors. “What do you want?”

“I’m conducting an opinion poll regarding the coming election and I want to ask you a few questions. Is that okay?”

“Sure. I’m always happy to give my opinion." My wife snorted so I added, “As head of the household.”

“Thank you, sir. Now, please answer the following questions objectively using a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is Not Interested, 2 is A Bit Interested, 3 is More Than A Bit Interested, 4 is…”

“Whoa, slow down, Mindy. I’m trying to write this down.”

She continued slowly up to “…and 10 is The Best Idea I Ever Heard.”

“Alright, I think I have that now. Go ahead with the questions.”

“Okay." She took a deep breath. "The first question is: ’Do you think we should clean up the mess in Washington by lowering the outrageous taxes that have become such a burden to the everyday citizen struggling to make ends meet while the government wallows in waste and mismanagement?’”

I know I should have just answered the question 1-to-10 but I could not resist the temptation to editorialize.

“Well, it’s going to be tough to answer that question objectively, since it isn’t a very objective question. I'm surprised you didn't mention 'Throwing The Rascals Out'."

"I think that's the next question."

"You know, if you were in court you would be accused of leading the witness.”

“Are you a lawyer, sir?”

“No, but I watch all the version of Law and Order…”

“…because if you are a lawyer, then I have to thank you for your time…”

“…no, I’m not a lawyer. I just watch…”

“…and tell you that’s all I need right now.”

“…wait, I have opinions - objective opinions - about taxes and rascals and…”

The phone went dead.

“That sounded interesting,” smirked my wife.

“Not just interesting," I said, finishing a green bean. "It was '7: More Interesting Than You Can Possibly Imagine'.”

Thursday, February 23

In Defense Of G. W. Bush

There seems to be a lot of unnecessary controversy about George W. Bush’s plan to allow a company owned by the government of the United Arab Emirates to manage several U.S. seaports. In this case I have to support our President. I don’t see any problem with a company owned by the United Arab Emerates managing our seaports. In fact, I would propose an expansion of this plan to include managing our airports, too.


“Can we hurry this up, I’m late for my plane. Here are my watch, keys, and nail clippers for the…Hey, where’s the x-ray machine?”

“Oh, we got rid of those. No sense in slowing people down is there, my infidel American friend?”

“Well, no, I guess not. What about my shoes?”

“Leave them on, no problem. What gate are you? Oh, gate 5. Relax, you’ll be there in plenty of time. Meanwhile, can I interest you in a hand gun?”

“Hand gun!?”

“Yes, I have Smith & Wesson, Glock,…”

“Say, do you have a Colt .45?”

“Ahh, the gun that won the West. An excellent choice. I also have a wide variety of knives."

"Do you have The Skinner?"

"Right here. And may I say, you are a man who knows your cutlery."


So Come on, Mr. President. How about having the UAE manage JFK and LAX?

Let's make flying fun and adventurous again!

Thursday, February 16

Dick Cheney, Straight Shooter - Finale

My informant stepped out of the shadows of the underground garage to which he had summoned me.

“It’s a plot,” he growled ominously. “A plot against Cheney.”

“What do you mean, plot?” I asked, skeptically.

“It was no ‘accident’ that Whittington was in his line of fire. It was an order.”

“An order? An order from whom?”

He snorted in disgust. “Don’t be stupid. Follow the birdshot. Who stands to gain the most if Mr. Richard Bruce Cheney is brought down?”

I thought for a moment, and then it dawned on me. “You mean G..." He put a finger to my lips before I could speak the name, and nodded.

“That’s right. He’s been waiting for five years to take over as President, and now it looks like he’ll finally get his chance.”

Tuesday, February 14

Dick Cheney, Straight Shooter II

Rumor has it that the Vice President is now being recruited to represent the United States in the Winter Olympics. He is being asked to compete in an event where the USA is traditionally weak, the Biathlon. This is the competition that requires skiing and shooting.

Of course, as an 86 year old cardiac patient, skiing is not expected to be his strong point.

But anybody who makes an issue of it better duck!

Monday, February 13

Dick Cheney, Straight Shooter

New York Times Headline:

"Cheney Shoots Fellow Hunter in Mishap"


Snarky blogger's comment:

"Thank God nothing vital was hit."

Thursday, February 9

Papal Dispensation

"Guess what?" said my wife, looking up from the newspaper, "The Pope says it is okay for married couples to have sex."

"That's interesting," I said. "You don't expect His Holiness to encourage sex."

"One odd thing, though."

"What's that?"

She buried her nose in the paper again. "For some reason he mentions you by name."

Friday, February 3

Karl Rove, Historian

Recently Presidential Advisor Karl Rove had this to say about the state of the union: "Republicans have a post-9/11 view of the world. And Democrats have a pre-9/11 view of the world."

Well, Mr. Rove, is it possible that Republicans have a pre-Bill Of Rights view of the world? And Democrats have a post Bill Of Rights view of the world?

Or maybe Democrats simply have a pre-Brain Dead view of the world?

Tuesday, January 31

Supreme Humor

There was an article the other day outlining some of the supposedly humorous remarks made by Supreme Court justices over the years. After reading this material I can only come to one conclusion.

These people need new writers.

For example during arguments in a recent case Associate Justice Clarence Thomas had this to say while questioning one of the attorneys:

"Your argument reminds me of a story - A Chief Justice walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says 'Where did he come from?' and the parrot says 'I don't know. I woke up this morning and there he was.'"

Or in a ruling last month Associate Justice Scalia inserted this addendum:

"Clearly the ruling here has precedent in the case of the man who walked up to me on the street the other day and said he hadn't had a bite in three days -- so I bit him!"

And even recently installed Chief Justice John Roberts made this remark during his first appearance in the hearing room:

"It sure is hot in here."
"How hot is it?" the other Justices chanted in unison.
"It's so hot I saw a plaintiff suing a defendant -- and they were both walking."

Pretty lame humor, you must admit.

Except that parrot one, heh, heh. "There he was..." Precious.

Sunday, January 29

Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Fatah

People seemed shocked by the Hamas victory in the Palestinian legislative elections. They can't imagine how a party could win an election when nobody thought they had a chance due to their crazy, outlandish ideas.

I'll have to ask President Gore about that.

Thursday, January 12

A Single Little Piece

I was reading a story about an Oprah Book Club selection, a first person memoir, that apparently contained quite a bit of misinformation. I wondered what other books might fall into this category so I did some research.

I wanted to examine a book that was a first person memoir in the public domain that would be familiar to a large segment of readers.

I chose Moby Dick, a book that anyone who went to high school has had to slog through at one time or another. But, as I dug deeper into this work I discovered that it was more than just a long, boring story about killing a whale. No, it is much more loathsome than that.

The duplicity begins with the very first sentence, “Call me Ishmael.” After extensive research I have uncovered incontrovertible proof that the author of this work is not called “Ishmael” at all. His real name is “Herman”.

Later Herman – let’s use real names here, shall we? – runs into the captain of a whaling ship - Captain Ahab. After extensive sessions on Google and a detailed inspection of birth, death, tax, and voting records I have determined that in the past 150 years there has never been anyone born in the United States of America who has been given the name "Ahab".

Think about it. Have you ever run into anyone named Ahab?

“Joe, have you met my broker, Ahab?”

“Salesman of the year: Ahab”.

“My name is Ahab and I’m an alcoholic.”

No, I didn’t think so.

Finally, and this is the most unsettling item of all, although the entire plot of this book involves Herman's and this so-called Ahab's search for a large, white whale, there is no evidence in any nautical log, book, or almanac that this creature ever existed!

In fact, it appears that this "great white whale" is entirely a figment of Herman's imagination. Worse than that, it may actually be representing something else - although no one seems to know exactly what it really stands for.

Now, there are those who say that this isn't supposed to be a true story, that it is the tone, character, and setting that is important - not the actual facts.

Well, to these people I have but one thing to say:

Call me Skeptical.

Monday, January 9

Stop Me If You've Heard This

The other night my wife and I were having dinner with another couple. I was regaling them with a quite amusing story when, about halfway through, I noticed my wife making a cutting motion across her throat with her index finger. This threw off my timing as I paused and looked around the table, and then realized that I had already told them this story a few days before.

A lot of people might have been upset by this, but I know it is an anomaly and not indicative of my mental abilities nor does it have anything to do with my age.

So don’t worry about me. I’ll be just fine.

Stop Me If You've Heard This

The other night my wife and I were having dinner with another couple. I was regaling them with a quite amusing story when, about halfway through, I noticed my wife making a cutting motion across her throat with her index finger. This threw off my timing as I paused and looked around the table, and then realized that I had already told them this story a few days before.

A lot of people might have been upset by this, but I know it is an anomaly and not indicative of my mental abilities nor does it have anything to do with my age.

So don’t worry about me. I’ll be just fine.

Wednesday, January 4

Good Ol' Boys Off To College

I came across an article the other day saying that many colleges and universities in the South are "de-Southernizing" themselves thus enhancing their appeal to potential students from the North. Their assumption seems to be that attracting Northern students (who, by the way, they think are all Jewish) will heighten their reputations for diversity.

I don't think the Northern schools can sit still for this. If the North is going to lose students to the South, then the Northern schools had better cotton to the scholars from the land o' cotton.

So, with apologies to my dear mother from Tennessee...

Hey, there, Southern Man! Have you ever thought about going to college? Have you ever thought about M.I.T.?

  • The highest standards in technological achievement.

  • Dozens of Nobel prize winners.

  • The number one ranking as the best educational institution in the United States of America.

  • And some damn fine Barbeque!

Admission Requirements

Northern Students: 97
Southern Students: 79

Northern Students: 690/690/690
Southern Students: Did you take it? Y N

Northern Students: 100 or more.
Southern Students: 100 more or less.

Essay question
Northern Students: How MIT will help me identify new and
challenging goals in the pursuit of
scientific discovery.
Southern Students: How MIT will help me identify new and
challenging goals in the pursuit of
striped bass.

So quit fiddlin', you all! It's time to prime the pickup and cruise on up to Cambridge for some quantum theory, thermal dynamics, baby back ribs, and Cajun pulled chicken.

Think about our motto:

"Mens et manus"

It means men can eat with their hands!

You're gonna love it here!

You all.