Monday, February 27

News Flash

More Protests Against Offensive Cartoons.

HOLLYWOOD (JDT) - Militant members of the speech impediment movement are recruiting an army to protest the portrayal of their group in a series of cartoons appearing on a variety of cable outlets.

Said spokesperson Roger Rabet, "Shtory linesh that demean pershonsh with overly developed overbithsh are eshthpethially offenshive."

Wiping his face Elmo Fadd, recording secretary of WASCAL (We Are Seriously Concerned About Language) added,"There is no weason to bewittow doze who awe wingguisticawwy chowanged."

And perhaps most touching of all was the plaintive cry of press liaison T. Wheaty Byrd:

"“I tawt I taw a tawtless 'toon."

Saturday, February 25

My Objective Opinion

We were just finishing dinner when the phone rang. My wife picked it up, said "Why, yes, he's right here", and handed it to me with a disturbing look of bemusement in her eye.

“Hello”, said a rather young sounding female voice. “This is Mindy with the Associated Survey Service. Are you the head of the house?”

“No”, I said, scowling at my wife, “But I’m married to her.”

“I’m sorry?” said a confused Mindy. “I can only speak to the head…”

“Yes, yes, that’s me,” I grunted. I didn't mean to be rude, but regular readers of these posts will know that I have not had good experiences with telephone surveyors. “What do you want?”

“I’m conducting an opinion poll regarding the coming election and I want to ask you a few questions. Is that okay?”

“Sure. I’m always happy to give my opinion." My wife snorted so I added, “As head of the household.”

“Thank you, sir. Now, please answer the following questions objectively using a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is Not Interested, 2 is A Bit Interested, 3 is More Than A Bit Interested, 4 is…”

“Whoa, slow down, Mindy. I’m trying to write this down.”

She continued slowly up to “…and 10 is The Best Idea I Ever Heard.”

“Alright, I think I have that now. Go ahead with the questions.”

“Okay." She took a deep breath. "The first question is: ’Do you think we should clean up the mess in Washington by lowering the outrageous taxes that have become such a burden to the everyday citizen struggling to make ends meet while the government wallows in waste and mismanagement?’”

I know I should have just answered the question 1-to-10 but I could not resist the temptation to editorialize.

“Well, it’s going to be tough to answer that question objectively, since it isn’t a very objective question. I'm surprised you didn't mention 'Throwing The Rascals Out'."

"I think that's the next question."

"You know, if you were in court you would be accused of leading the witness.”

“Are you a lawyer, sir?”

“No, but I watch all the version of Law and Order…”

“…because if you are a lawyer, then I have to thank you for your time…”

“…no, I’m not a lawyer. I just watch…”

“…and tell you that’s all I need right now.”

“…wait, I have opinions - objective opinions - about taxes and rascals and…”

The phone went dead.

“That sounded interesting,” smirked my wife.

“Not just interesting," I said, finishing a green bean. "It was '7: More Interesting Than You Can Possibly Imagine'.”

Thursday, February 23

In Defense Of G. W. Bush

There seems to be a lot of unnecessary controversy about George W. Bush’s plan to allow a company owned by the government of the United Arab Emirates to manage several U.S. seaports. In this case I have to support our President. I don’t see any problem with a company owned by the United Arab Emerates managing our seaports. In fact, I would propose an expansion of this plan to include managing our airports, too.


“Can we hurry this up, I’m late for my plane. Here are my watch, keys, and nail clippers for the…Hey, where’s the x-ray machine?”

“Oh, we got rid of those. No sense in slowing people down is there, my infidel American friend?”

“Well, no, I guess not. What about my shoes?”

“Leave them on, no problem. What gate are you? Oh, gate 5. Relax, you’ll be there in plenty of time. Meanwhile, can I interest you in a hand gun?”

“Hand gun!?”

“Yes, I have Smith & Wesson, Glock,…”

“Say, do you have a Colt .45?”

“Ahh, the gun that won the West. An excellent choice. I also have a wide variety of knives."

"Do you have The Skinner?"

"Right here. And may I say, you are a man who knows your cutlery."


So Come on, Mr. President. How about having the UAE manage JFK and LAX?

Let's make flying fun and adventurous again!

Thursday, February 16

Dick Cheney, Straight Shooter - Finale

My informant stepped out of the shadows of the underground garage to which he had summoned me.

“It’s a plot,” he growled ominously. “A plot against Cheney.”

“What do you mean, plot?” I asked, skeptically.

“It was no ‘accident’ that Whittington was in his line of fire. It was an order.”

“An order? An order from whom?”

He snorted in disgust. “Don’t be stupid. Follow the birdshot. Who stands to gain the most if Mr. Richard Bruce Cheney is brought down?”

I thought for a moment, and then it dawned on me. “You mean G..." He put a finger to my lips before I could speak the name, and nodded.

“That’s right. He’s been waiting for five years to take over as President, and now it looks like he’ll finally get his chance.”

Tuesday, February 14

Dick Cheney, Straight Shooter II

Rumor has it that the Vice President is now being recruited to represent the United States in the Winter Olympics. He is being asked to compete in an event where the USA is traditionally weak, the Biathlon. This is the competition that requires skiing and shooting.

Of course, as an 86 year old cardiac patient, skiing is not expected to be his strong point.

But anybody who makes an issue of it better duck!

Monday, February 13

Dick Cheney, Straight Shooter

New York Times Headline:

"Cheney Shoots Fellow Hunter in Mishap"


Snarky blogger's comment:

"Thank God nothing vital was hit."

Thursday, February 9

Papal Dispensation

"Guess what?" said my wife, looking up from the newspaper, "The Pope says it is okay for married couples to have sex."

"That's interesting," I said. "You don't expect His Holiness to encourage sex."

"One odd thing, though."

"What's that?"

She buried her nose in the paper again. "For some reason he mentions you by name."

Friday, February 3

Karl Rove, Historian

Recently Presidential Advisor Karl Rove had this to say about the state of the union: "Republicans have a post-9/11 view of the world. And Democrats have a pre-9/11 view of the world."

Well, Mr. Rove, is it possible that Republicans have a pre-Bill Of Rights view of the world? And Democrats have a post Bill Of Rights view of the world?

Or maybe Democrats simply have a pre-Brain Dead view of the world?