Thursday, November 22

Things For Which I Am Thankful

My beautiful wife.

My handsome sons.

My good health

George W. Bush's remaining time in office: 424 days.

Days until my next day of thanks: 371

George W. Bush's remaining time in office on my next day of thanks: 53 days.

Friday, November 16

Thoughts On Some Recently Indicted Sports Figures

Sports Figure Indicted for Thoughts
------------- ---------------------- -------------------------------
Michael Vick Dog Fighting Hey, nobody died.
Barry Bonds Obstruction of Justice Hey, nobody died.
O.J. Simpson Armed Robbery Hey, nobody died.
This time.

Wednesday, November 14

A Bridge To The Past

When Norman Mailer died I thought of two of his books, Miami and the Siege of Chicago and Armies of the Night. Both of these are about politics, the Vietnam War, and the Age of Protest.

What I like to call My Youth.

In those day people took to the streets to confront their government when their government got bogged down in an ill-conceived war that seemed to have no end in sight. We rallied, we marched, we protested.

"Hell no, we won't go!"

"One, two, three, four! We don't want your fucking war!."

"Hey, hey, LBJ! How many kids did you kill today?"

Those were the days.

Today I read about some Bridge Players who were being disciplined because they held up a sign at a tournament reading "We didn't vote for Bush."

"We didn't vote for Bush." Pretty radical.

Now they are being accused of treason and sedition.

So here we are, four and a half years into another ill-conceived war with no end in sight.

And the only people protesting belong not to the Students for a Democratic Society or the Youth International Party, but to the American Contract Bridge League?

What does that say about our country?

Polls say most Americans don't support the war. So where are they?

I guess they decided to pass this hand.

Thursday, November 8

Ronald Reagan Library Mystery

From the Associated Press:

"The Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and Museum can't locate or account for tens of thousands of valuable mementos of Reagan's White House years, according to a published report.
"An audit by the National Archives inspector general concluded that the library in Simi Valley was unable to properly account for more than 80,000 objects out of its collection of some 100,000 artifacts"

I wonder: Has anyone contacted O.J.?

Sunday, November 4

Marathon thoughts

I'm fortunate enough to live in New York City and near enough to First Avenue that each year I can walk on over and watch the Marathoners go by. It's like a big party and a chance for New Yorkers to join together in celebration.

This year, however, I noticed that several runners were carrying signs promoting commercial web sites, and a couple were wearing shirts advertising newly release motion pictures, and one person was even giving out free samples of some protein bar to the onlookers.

I find this trend disturbing.

I just don't feel it is right to commercialize the New York City Marathon

Friday, October 19

Congressional Math

I was somewhat dismayed to see that the House Of Representatives had not overridden President Bush’s veto of the Children’s Healthcare bill. This was a bill that would have extended child healthcare benefits to families at higher income levels.

Republicans were outraged because they felt that rich families should pay for their own healthcare. As one Republican lawmaker put it “If this passes families making $60,000 a year would qualify for child healthcare.”

My question is this: Is a family making $60,000 a year rich?

I suppose to a family of 4 making $20,650 a year (the official poverty level) $60,000 seems rich. But to a Congressman making $165,200 a year? That's nearly $85 an hour based on a 40 hour work week. Oh, right. This is Congress. Better make that a 4 hour work week. $850 an hour.

When you think about it $60,000 isn’t even enough to buy a house.

$60,000 isn’t enough to put your kid through college.

An for sure $60,000 isn’t enough to buy a Congressman.

Sunday, October 14


I recently attended a screening of the movie Elizabeth: The Golden Age and I must say it was a ripping yarn. In the film Her Majesty got rid of a Scottish usurper, beat up a pregnant rival in romance, and defeated the Spanish Armada.

All this action and bravery reminded me of another British hero.


Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth I, gazed across the green blaze of the Baccarat table and slowly drew on the Galois that was poise between her royal fingers. She exhaled the bluish smoke through her nostrils and took a sip of the Haig & Haig that the waiter had conveniently placed in front of her substantial pile of casino markers. She gazed directly at the dealer, and then at the Spanish Ambassador who sat a bit to her left.

"Banco", she said.

"You will burn in Hell for this, Madame...." sputtered the the Ambassador.

"Elizabeth." she answered calmly. "Queen Elizabeth."

"Better known as Agent 00I," muttered a quiet voice behind her. She turned to see Pope Pius V staring at her darkly, the scar across his cheek glowing bright red.

"We meet again, Pius. How's the arm?"

The Pontiff stretched his right arm away from his body. "Well enough, double-oh-The-First. Well do this!" He tore the mitre from his head and flung it at Her Royal Highness with remarkable agility.

The Queen dove for the floor as the razor sharp edge of the starched cloth headgear sailed an inch and a half from her jugular. "Not bad, Your Eminence," she said as she shoulder-rolled onto her haunches. "Now have a taste of this." She smoothly drew the crown - custom made for her by Christie's in Bleak Street - from her auburn locks and cast it toward the man who had been her nemesis for so many years.

Clutching his throat where two of the seven prongs had penetrated his esophagus and windpipe, the Holy Father gurgled quietly while slumping to the floor. Elizabeth slowly walked over, retrieved the golden headpiece, wiped the blood on the prostrate potentate's chasuble, and re-set it on her head.

"Well, I guess you could say this was my Crowning Achievement," she said as she returned to her seat at the table.

"Now, Armando. Where were we? Ah,Yes". She withdrew another Galois from the bodice of her gown and lit it with the gunmetal Ronson she kept for such purposes. She stared at the Spanish Ambassador for a moment and then smiled.


Friday, September 28

America's Mayor Seeks Understanding

Presidential Candidate and former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani said in an interview that some people were being too judgmental about his personal life, especially the fact that he has been married three times. In seeking a more understanding attitude he cited the biblical story of the prostitute who was brought before Jesus to be stoned to death. “Let you who are without sin cast the first stone,” said Our Savior as the accusers slunk away.

Later, when polling showed that this position was costing him votes, Giuliani said his position on the stoning of prostitutes had evolved. “Since 9-11 I don’t think we can take any chances with prostitutes or other terrorists,” said Giuliani at the annual convention of the National Prostitute Stoners Association. “We’ve got to stone them, and stone them hard, before they start stoning us.”

Wednesday, September 26

Future Tense

The Department of Homeland Security has asked a group of science fiction writers to try to predict what steps terrorists might take in the future to attack our country. Some scoff at this idea, but I think past history has proven that science fiction has been remarkably accurate at predicting the future.

Who can forget the classic Twilight Zone story "City on the Edge of Whatever" which predicted a future in which America's youth become inarticulate grunters with a vocabulary of 5-7 words and who begin each sentence with "'sup?" and can only speak to each other using the single mantra "dude".

Or Robert Heinlein's beloved novel "Stranger in a Strange Job" about a dumb-but-lovable governor who wakes up one morning to find he has mysteriously become The President of the United States.

And the uncannily prescient Star Trek episode, The Trouble With Bloggers which posits a future where thousands of relentlessly replicating life forms continually spew forth meaningless verbiage on an unsuspecting populous.

Scary stuff. I just hope we can heed the warnings before it's too late.

Monday, September 24

Adieu, Marcel, Adieu

I was saddened to see that the great mime Marcel Marceau passed way over the weekend. Words cannot express the magnitude of his talent.

A sampling of some comment about his passing and his life:

From the New York Mimes:

And from the Wall Streetmime Journal:

For more information go to
http://www.      .com

Friday, April 27

A Question For America's Mayor

Recently former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani suggested that if a Democrat is elected President, America would suffer another 9/11 type attack. He feels that Democrats aren't capable of making the intelligent decisions necessary to protect this country from terrorists.

I have a question, Mr. Mayor.

You ran for Mayor of New York City as a Republican. New York is overwhelmingly Democratic. In fact without thousands of Democratic votes you would not have been elected Mayor - twice.

Do you still feel that Democrats are unable to make an intelligent decision?

Sunday, April 15

I-Steps for the I-Man

"My name is Don and I'm a shock-jock."

"HI, DON!"

"Don, why don't you tell us when was the last time you made an insensitive remark."

"Well, Howard, I've been sensitive for several days now."

"That's good news..."


"That's good news, Don. How has it been going?"

"I'm just taking it one day at a time, Howard. One freaking day at a time..."

"And, Don, tell us what steps you have taken to stay clean and sensitive."

"First I had to admit that I was powerless to resist being crude and insensitive."

"How powerless, Don?"

"Well, I guess about as powerless as a one-armed paper hanger, Howard. Then I came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity."

"And who was that greater power?"

"The Reverend Al Sharpton."

"And did a power greater than yourself restore you to sanity?"

"Not really. I'm going from here to the unemployment office."

"So have you learned anything from this experience."

"Yes. I learned a little prayer that I recommend to shock-jocks everywhere. It goes like this:
'God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot insult;
courage to insult the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.'"


"Oh, shut the f&*# up."

Wednesday, April 4

Sherlock Holmes - Part 2

My recent posting about Sherlock Holmes generated quite a bit of interest, and made me wonder what it would be like for Arthur Conan Doyle to sell the idea today.

"Come on in, Art. I'm Sid Tishman, deputy sub assistant for project acquisitions. Whaddya got for me?"

"Well, it's the story of a private consulting detective..."

"Private eye, eh? Not bad. Right now there's only Monk, and he's a little too eccentric for my taste. Your guy isn't eccentric, is he?"

"Well, he plays the violin..."

"We'll lose that in a hurry. Unless we can build some kind of weapon into the violin. Yeah! That'll work. A violin with an automatic weapon in it. 'Stradivarius, P.I.' What do you think?"

"Actually, his name is Sherlock Holmes."

"Sherlock Holmes? Sounds like a burglar alarm. Holmes isn't bad, though. But Chad Holmes, maybe. 'There's No Place Like Holmes. P.I.' What do you think? Chad Holmes and his sexy assistant, Brandie."

"Dr. Watson."


"His assistant is named Dr. Watson."

"Nah, nah, nah. That won't work. There's already too many medical shows. You got your House, your ER, your Grey's...Plus our new reality show Who Wants To Take Out My Kidney. Nope, no medical. How about we make it Brandie Watson?"

"I don't know about..."

"Good! Now, can he see ghosts?"


"It's the latest. Crime busting clairvoyant ghost chasers. Can he do that?"

"There was a hound once that was rather spectral."

"Spectral! I love it! 'Spectral Stradivarius, P.I.' They'll eat it up."

"Look, old fellow, I'm not at all sure..."

"It's a done deal. I'll have my people get in touch with your people and we'll go from there."

Wednesday, March 28

Do You Have Any Last Words Before Paying Your Fine?

ITT, a top manufacturer of our military's most sophisticated weaponry, has put in jeopardy US wartime tactical advantages by sharing some classified technology with foreign governments.

"There was a culture at this company where they actively and willfully worked to circumvent the U.S. laws to increase profits," said a Justice Department spokesman.

For this behavior - selling military secrets to a foreign government - ITT will suffer the swift and harsh punishment of...

A hefty fine.

Well, not exactly swift punishment. This all took place in March of 2001. They just got around to issuing the fine a couple of days ago.

Not exactly harsh, either. The fine will be suspended for five years.

That ought to teach them.

A FINE?!!!

What happened to a firing squad?

Tuesday, March 27

Countdown To Perpwalk Game

Enter the number of days until you hope think the following will show up on TV in handcuffs, orange jump suits, and leg shackles:

Lewis I. "Scooter" LibbyIn Custody
Alberto Gonzales
Karl Rove
Donald Rumsfeld
Dick Cheney
George W. Bush
Victor "Macho Man" WillisIn Custody

Monday, March 26

Bad Career Move

I read in the paper that Victor "Macho Man" Willis, the singer who dressed as a policeman in the disco band the Village People, has been arrested after a woman who identified herself as his girlfriend told the police he had choked her and threatened her with a knife.

Come on, Victor. Don't be stupid. This is just the kind of thing that could ruin your career!

I mean, a girlfriend?

Friday, March 23

Sherlock Holmes

I have been a big fan of Sherlock Holmes since junior high school so I was pretty excited to see a news story about a new Holmes motion picture that was being planned.

Excited, that is, until I read this toward the end of the story:

"...the plan is to play up Holmes' adventuresome side -- boxing, swordplay and, perhaps, aptitude on the violin -- rather than the intellectual influence placed on his sleuthing by creator Arthur Conan Doyle."

So I guess I can look forward to a new, improved, ass-kickin', sword-fightin', fiddle-playin' detective.

How inconsiderate of Doyle to place an "intellectual influence" on his creation.

Fortunately that's not something we have to worry about these days.

Just ask Karl Rove.

Tuesday, March 20

Presidential Support

Today President Bush personally called Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and "reaffirmed his strong backing of the attorney general and his support for him" according to an assistant White House press secretary.

Mr. Bush then added this personal note of encouragement: "Gonzie, you're doing a heck of a job."

I guess we all know what that means.

Gonzie, you're as good as gone.

Friday, March 16

The Phantom Of The Opera

Last weekend the weather warmed up so I thought a nice drive in the country was in order. My wife and I piled into the car and headed for the Pocono Mountains of Eastern Pennsylvania.

While driving through the countryside I noticed a sign promoting a local theater’s production of The Phantom of the Opera, one of my favorite shows. I decided it would be fun to experience an “out of town” effort and see how it compared with the New York and London productions I had seen.

When we got to the theater I suppose I should have suspected that something was wrong when I noticed that the other patrons were all dressed up as characters from the show - some as The Phantom, some as Christine, some as Raoul, and one confused young man as Dr. Dr. Frank-N-Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. In fact my wife and I were the only ones wearing “civvies”.

Despite a smallish orchestra consisting of drums, guitar, and violin we were enjoying the show pretty well until the middle of the first act - the part where The Phantom, having taken Christine to his underground lair, is explaining the layout. Suddenly, in the middle of the song, the actor playing the Phantom turned to the audience and shouted “Sing it with me, people!"

He then began clapping his hands as he sang "And in this labyrinth…”.

My wife and I were stunned, but not as stunned as when the audience bellowed back “THE PHAAAAAAANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THERE – INSIDE YOUR MIIIIIIND!”

Apparently we had wandered into a production of Sing-a-long Phantom.

I had heard of a sing-a-long version of the motion picture Sound Of Music, and my DVD copy of Grease has sing-a-long lyrics for several of the tunes, but this was something new.

I will give the audience credit, though. They were a feisty and dedicated bunch who gave it all they had. Unfortunately, some of the trickier arias were beyond the capabilities of the Eastern Pennsylvania soprano.

It might have sounded better coming from Tony Soprano.

The Phantom himself was a cross between Robert Preston and Pete Seeger, prompting the audience with the lyrics while trumpeting away with his own quite accomplished baritone:

(spoken quickly) "Come-to-me-angel-of-music"
(sung with audience) "Come to me angel of muuuuusic."
(spoken) "I-am-your-angel-of-music"
(sung) "I am your angel of muuuuusic"

Later in the car on the way home I was, if not singing out loud, certainly at least humming. "Hmm hmm hmm THE MUSIC OF THE NIIIIGHT".

"Oh, for crying out loud...", my wife complained.

"Don't you mean 'for singing out loud'?" I replied, then added "ONLY YOU CAN MAKE MY SONG TAKE FLIIIIGHT."

She smiled, turned to me, and sang, in her excellent contralto, "THAT'S ENOUGH OF MUSIC FOR TONIIIIGHT!"

Tuesday, March 13

A Special Birthday

Today is the birthday of the man who invented carbonated water

So happy birthday to chemist Joseph Priestly, LL.D, F.R.S, born in Birstall, Yorkshire on this day in 1733.

Mr. Priestly is also the first person to use the phrase "Bring it up again. We'll vote on it".

Monday, March 12

The Quotations Of Chairman Cheney

Vice President Dick Cheney recently said anti-war lawmakers in Congress are "undermining" U.S. troops in Iraq by trying to limit President Bush's spending requests for military operations.

We should listen to this wise man. He's been right about everything so far.

About the war in Iraq: "We are, in fact, making significant progress."

About the Iraqi people: "We will, in fact, be greeted as liberators."

About Saddam Hussein: "He is, in fact, absolutely devoted to trying to acquire nuclear weapons."

About the insurgents: "They are, in fact, in the last throes of the insurgency."

About Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy: "Go, in fact, f*ck yourself."

Friday, March 9

Why The Next President Will Be A John

It is a simple matter of names. There have been four presidents named John. None of the names of the other candidates even comes close.

John - 4 Presidents: John Adams, John Quincy Adams, John Tyler, and John Kennedy.

Not to mention Andrew and Lyndon Johnson

Hillary - 0 Presidents

Rudolph - 0 Presidents

Mitt - 0 Presidents

Barack - Only 1: Barack "Thomas" Jefferson

Thursday, March 8


I have a friend who is a doctor in a specialty for which, thankfully, I will never require treatment. We are,therefore, able to discuss medical matters not as physician and possible future patient, but as man to man.

Whenever I mention the need for some kind of national health care system, my doctor friend replies with this statement: "Sure, we can have the government run health care -- if you want your doctor's office run like the Department of Motor Vehicles."

Well, of course, no one wants their doctor's office to resemble, in any way, the DMV.

I mean, then you'd have to wait unbelievable periods of time before being seen by anyone who could do anything for you.

Wait, is that the doctor's office or the DMV we're talking about?

Could be either one, I guess.

Tuesday, March 6

Breaking News!

A federal jury today convicted G. Gordon "Scooter" Libby of lying about his role in the 1972 break-in at the Watergate and the leak of an undercover CIA officer's identity, finding President Richard Nixon's former chief of staff guilty of two counts of perjury, one count of making false statements, one count of obstruction of justice, and one count of breaking and entering.

The verdict culminated the 35 year trial of the highest-ranking White House official to be indicted on criminal charges in modern times.

As the jury forewoman read each guilty count in a clear, solemn voice, Libby was impassive, remaining seated at the defense table while crushing lit cigarette after lit cigarette into the palm of his hand, gazing straight ahead and displaying no visible emotion. His wife, H. Harriet Libby, sat in the front row with tears in her eyes.

A few minutes after the jury was dismissed, Libby appeared coatless and shirtless outside the federal courthouse. "We intend to file a motion for a new trial," Libby said. "If that is denied, we will go for a head shot."

Monday, March 5

Get Well Soon, Mr. Vice President

Hey, I see Vice President Dick Cheney has to go in the hospital for some treatment.

I've got an idea.

Let's send him to Walter Reed.

"What is your rank, soldier?"

"I happen to be Vice President of the United States."

"And do you have the paperwork to confirm that?"

"Well, no, I..."

"Alright, take a seat."

Thursday, February 15

Words of comfort

Since the passing of our dog we have received many, many words of comfort from our friends. I was particularly affected by this thought about pets.

"They stay as long as they can and they give you everything they have."

Thanks to everyone for their kind words.

Saturday, February 10

You Old Pilot, You

Transcribed from audio dictation

Okay, I'll get started in a minute as soon as I change lanes. [click-click]. Okay, start recording.


I'm getting a little sick and tired of the insulting [click-click] comments being made about airline pilots being allowed to [click-click] fly until they are age 65. It used to be they had to [click-click] retire when they got to be 60 but now the rules have been changed. [click-click]

Well, all I can say is [click-click] "it's about time."

But now I keep hearing lame [click-click] jokes about pilots who [click-click] go too slow at the fast altitude or demonstrate [click-click] some other driving inadequacy supposedly caused by age. [click-click]

This kind of talk is simple ageism [click-click] at its worst.




Sorry, I zoned out for a minute. [click-click] Now where what I? [click-click]

Oh, yes. [click-click] As a person who will soon turn 60 myself [click-click] I, for one, am glad to know that [click-click] I will still be allowed [click-click] to fly a plane. [click-click] If I knew how to fly a plane.






Hey, bud, quit honking that god damned horn!


Monday, February 5


My dog, Spike, died today. There is great sadness in my household.

Here is a post about him from some time ago.

I Talk To My Dog

I admit it. I talk to my dog.

People who don't have dogs think this is a foolish exercise. Experts will tell you that dogs can't understand your words, just your tone. These are the same people who will tell you that a baby only smiles because it has gas.

I happen to know that my dog has a vocabulary of 10 words. "Spike" (his name), "kibble", "biscuit", "chicken", "cookie", "meat" (I see a pattern here), "mommy" (his one true love), "daddy" (whom he tolerates), "sit" (his only trick), and, for some reason, "Chaucer". He understands and responds to these words as distinctly as you or I.

Talking to a dog is a liberating experience. Spike listens intently and never judges what I have to say. He does yawn on occasion, but I accept that not as a commentary on the content of our conversation but as a sign of his comfort with our relationship.

Conversation with Spike is not just a one-way street, either. He talks back. Not with words but with gestures, noises, looks, and posture. For example every night after dinner he will sit on the floor next to the sofa and wait for me to scratch behind his ear. If, for some reason, I don't begin in a timely manner he will poke me with his paw. "Hey, you. It's scratching time." If I fail to respond, the poking gets more intense. "I SAID it's scratching time." Then he'll move back a bit to be sure I have a good view and plop down on the floor with a pained expression ("I am a sad, sad dog.")

Lately we've been having talks about why I have to leave him in the morning to go to work.

"Spike", I'll say, "daddy has to go to work."

"I am a sad, sad dog."

"But Spike, I must work to make money."

"How can you be so cruel?"

"So I can buy..."

"Please...don’t leave me."


" 'Wenden thee then on thine pilgrymage, Sire .' "

"Was that by any chance Chaucer?"

"In truthe, woof, woof."

Thursday, February 1

A Message To The People Of Boston

I'm so thankful that no one was harmed by the AlQueda Teen Hunger Force!

Be Careful!

I know it is profiling but I suggest you avoid any milk shake or box of fries that is wearing a turban.

Watch the skies!

Tuesday, January 30

Barak Obama - RC!

There was a lot of buzz going around Fox News last week about how Barak Obama attended a radical Muslim school when he was a kid. Further investigation, unsurprisingly, showed that this was not true. In fact CNN reports that from age 6 to 10 Sen. Obama spent "two years in a Muslim school and another two years in a Catholic school."

As someone who spent 12 years attending Catholic School I must say that his Muslim school attendance didn't affect me nearly as much as his Catholic education did.

I still remember the time Sister Mary Catherine accused my family of being Communists because my father didn't support The House Un-American Activities Committee. Or the time Father Horvath made me pick up 100 pieces of paper from the playground because I referred to The Holy Spirit as "That crazy bird."

Then he made me count the pieces of paper in front of him. He excluded the 20 or so cigarette butts I'd tried to sneak in, and made me go and pick up 100 more.

He never thought to ask why there were cigarette butts on the playground.

By the way, if you've never heard of The House Un-American Activities Committee count yourself lucky.

As for the Holy Spirit? Hey, I still love that crazy bird!

Thursday, January 11

Hearing Test

One of the downsides of the aging process is this: things you take for granted gradually don't work as well as they once did.

Recently my wife complained that I had the television turned up rather loud. I understand that this is often the first sign of hearing loss so I thought I should get a hearing test.

The audiologist's office had a small waiting room and the only other person present was an older gentleman who made at least 3 trips to the men's room in the short time we waited.

After the last visit he looked a bit chagrined and said, "Plumbing's getting old, I guess."

"Well, you know, frequent urination is not always related to age...", I began to pontificate.

"I was talking about the toilet bowl", he said, looking offended. "It's a mess." I began an attempt to recover from my faux paux, but he was called into the back for his test before I could formulate a proper explanation for being an idiot.

A few minutes later he came out from the examination area, took a step toward the restroom but, after giving me a defiant look, continued on out the door.

The audiologist was younger than I expected him to be, and, as I tried to remember that faraway time when my doctors were actually older than I was, he sat me down in a sound proof room, a little bigger than a phone booth.

As I tried to remember that faraway time when there were still phone booths he placed a pair of earphones on my head and backed out, closing the door behind him.

The booth reminded me of those quiz shows where a contestant is isolated so he could not be given any clues to the questions.

It also bore a disturbing resemblance to the gas chamber in San Quentin.

As I tried to remember that faraway time when there were still Sixty-Four Thousand Dollar Questions and justice was meted out via cyanide pellet, the earphones began producing a series of beeps and boops that I had to identify as coming from the left or right side of my head. Then I had to repeat several words that were given to me in gradually decreasing volume levels. The last two I couldn't really hear that well, but I think they were "Old timer" and "Gramps" or, possibly, "Geezer".

Finally the ordeal was over and the audiologist showed me a graph with the results of my test. It didn't make much sense and I must have looked confused because finally he just said, "All in all, I'd say you were borderline normal."

"Borderline normal, eh?" I said. "Well, doc, I know a lot of people would agree with you about that."

As I was writing out the check he started to say, "By the way, if you need to use the men's room..."

Mustering all my dignity and standing as straight as I could I looked him in the eye.


Thursday, January 4


A lot has been made about Barack Obama's middle name, which happens to be Hussein. The conventional wisdom is that having such a middle name might cause him to be associated with fanatical terrorists and lynched dictators.

I suggest that rather than use his middle name he should use just his middle initial.

Barack H. Obama sounds much better than Barack Hussein Obama.

I mean it works for Jesus H. Christ, doesn't it?