Thursday, December 29

Scary Books

There was a story on the radio the other day reporting that the American pharmaceutical industry had hired a couple of authors to write a science fiction book about terrorists poisoning the drugs that come into this country from Canada. The hope, I guess, is people who read this book will be too scared to get their prescriptions filled in the Great White North.

What if other industries took this approach? What might we see on future best seller lists?


Limp Vines - Pesticide laden grapes from France find their way into a local winery causing baldness and erectile dysfunction in men over the age of 50. Published by The Napa, Sonoma, and Medicino Board of Trade.

Two-A-Wheelers - Italian bicycles with narrow, European sized seats cause hideously bruised posteriors to spread throughout a small Midwestern town. Published by the American Bicycle Manufacturers Association.

Don't Read This Book, Watch TV Instead - Terrorists reduce the size of the print in all the books in America so people who read begin to notice that their eyes are falling out of their heads. Published by the National Association of Broadcasters.

Blogs of Forever - Scientists determine that readers of blogs will live much longer than those who don't. Published by...

Well, you get the idea.

Saturday, December 24

G Day

With the passing of the less significant holidays it is time to turn attention toward the threat to one of our most sacred and beloved celebrations.

I am speaking of the War on Groundhog’s Day.

We have all agonized over the commercialization of Groundhog’s Day. The myriad one day sales, television specials, parades, and staged news events have demeaned The Day in countless ways. Many times we even hear it referred to as “G Day” prompting many offended devotees to demand “Let’s keep Ground in Groundhog’s Day!”

But now things are getting more serious. An assault is being conducted by a group of card carrying Seasonal Predictive Agnostics who believe, and have public stated, that forecasting the number of remaining winter weeks cannot be foretold by one of God’s creatures gazing upon a shadow(my emphasis). They have even suggested that the Groundhog is not related to the hog at all but is a – it makes me shake with anger to say it – a rodent!

That’s right. Our Beloved Predictor compared to rats and porcupines!


And to make things worse these elitist arbiters of taste want to disallow the use of the term “Have a happy Groundhog’s Day.” They want all public references to be made in the form “Enjoy the terrain non-hog’s day”.

From my cold, dead lips!

Now is the time for action. Write your congressman, city council, local school board. See to it that the time honored Groundhog tradition is preserved! Remember, this is just the first step. Who knows what could be next?

There is certain Bunny I know that is quite concerned.