Friday, April 27

A Question For America's Mayor

Recently former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani suggested that if a Democrat is elected President, America would suffer another 9/11 type attack. He feels that Democrats aren't capable of making the intelligent decisions necessary to protect this country from terrorists.

I have a question, Mr. Mayor.

You ran for Mayor of New York City as a Republican. New York is overwhelmingly Democratic. In fact without thousands of Democratic votes you would not have been elected Mayor - twice.

Do you still feel that Democrats are unable to make an intelligent decision?

Sunday, April 15

I-Steps for the I-Man

"My name is Don and I'm a shock-jock."

"HI, DON!"

"Don, why don't you tell us when was the last time you made an insensitive remark."

"Well, Howard, I've been sensitive for several days now."

"That's good news..."


"That's good news, Don. How has it been going?"

"I'm just taking it one day at a time, Howard. One freaking day at a time..."

"And, Don, tell us what steps you have taken to stay clean and sensitive."

"First I had to admit that I was powerless to resist being crude and insensitive."

"How powerless, Don?"

"Well, I guess about as powerless as a one-armed paper hanger, Howard. Then I came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity."

"And who was that greater power?"

"The Reverend Al Sharpton."

"And did a power greater than yourself restore you to sanity?"

"Not really. I'm going from here to the unemployment office."

"So have you learned anything from this experience."

"Yes. I learned a little prayer that I recommend to shock-jocks everywhere. It goes like this:
'God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot insult;
courage to insult the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.'"


"Oh, shut the f&*# up."

Wednesday, April 4

Sherlock Holmes - Part 2

My recent posting about Sherlock Holmes generated quite a bit of interest, and made me wonder what it would be like for Arthur Conan Doyle to sell the idea today.

"Come on in, Art. I'm Sid Tishman, deputy sub assistant for project acquisitions. Whaddya got for me?"

"Well, it's the story of a private consulting detective..."

"Private eye, eh? Not bad. Right now there's only Monk, and he's a little too eccentric for my taste. Your guy isn't eccentric, is he?"

"Well, he plays the violin..."

"We'll lose that in a hurry. Unless we can build some kind of weapon into the violin. Yeah! That'll work. A violin with an automatic weapon in it. 'Stradivarius, P.I.' What do you think?"

"Actually, his name is Sherlock Holmes."

"Sherlock Holmes? Sounds like a burglar alarm. Holmes isn't bad, though. But Chad Holmes, maybe. 'There's No Place Like Holmes. P.I.' What do you think? Chad Holmes and his sexy assistant, Brandie."

"Dr. Watson."


"His assistant is named Dr. Watson."

"Nah, nah, nah. That won't work. There's already too many medical shows. You got your House, your ER, your Grey's...Plus our new reality show Who Wants To Take Out My Kidney. Nope, no medical. How about we make it Brandie Watson?"

"I don't know about..."

"Good! Now, can he see ghosts?"


"It's the latest. Crime busting clairvoyant ghost chasers. Can he do that?"

"There was a hound once that was rather spectral."

"Spectral! I love it! 'Spectral Stradivarius, P.I.' They'll eat it up."

"Look, old fellow, I'm not at all sure..."

"It's a done deal. I'll have my people get in touch with your people and we'll go from there."