Monday, May 29

Male Non-Bonding

I was sitting at the counter in a Madison Avenue diner enjoying a bagel and coffee when two young women came in and sat next to me. They were both laughing and talking excitedly to each other, but I was too polite to hear what they were saying.

Then one gave the other a present which, when unwrapped, turned out to be a book. I managed to overcome my politeness long enough to glance over and see the title was "The Girlfriends' Guide To Pregnancy." It was touching to see her friend's gesture of support and encouragement during such a life changing time.

I envy women. Men never get this kind of support. Men are expected to face their kinds of crises alone, without hope of assistance, trapped in an eternal bubble of emotional isolation.

You would never see a man give another man a book like "Hey, Buddy, Don't Let Your Crappy Job Get You Down!" or "The Boyfriends Guide To Impotence."

Not if he didn't want to get punched in the nose!

Monday, May 15

The Da Vinci Code

Some religious leaders are complaining about the new movie, The Da Vinci Code, saying that most of what it says about historical Christianity is not true.

I guess no one pointed out to these religious leaders that The Da Vinci Code IS A MOVIE! IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TRUE!

Movies are stories. They are meant to entertain. Sometimes they impart knowledge. Occasionally they may have something to say about right and wrong.

When you think about it, that's not so different from what religious leaders are supposed to do.

Saturday, May 13

A Small Amount

My local NPR station was doing it's fund raising this week. They always say things like "If you pledge $75 it's only twenty cents a day" or "Just $365 - only a dollar a day." when they are asking for money. Spreading the cost out like that it makes it seem like it's not so much. They never say "That's $750 over 10 years" or "In five years that will add up to almost $2,000!"

The government should try spreading out the cost of the war in Iraq. Now all we hear is "It is costing over 5 billion dollars a week." That sounds pretty expensive.

Let's get out the calculator and see what we can do to help our government out.

Okay, here, you can put it as "Only $177 million a day..." Well, I guess that's still a lot.

But how about "Isn't it worth $122,820 per minute..."

No, still sounds too high.

Let's try "For a mere $2,047 per second..."

$2,047 per second?!!!

Man, this freaking war is getting expensive!

Wednesday, May 10

Man Shoots Bear

Bad news.

The bear that wandered into Newark, NJ, yesterday was today shot to death by Irvington, NJ, police. The police said the bear was approaching them in a threatening manner.

Following the shooting police said they found a .22 caliber pistol on the bear.

The Newark Bear

Several newspapers are reporting that a black bear has wandered from rural New Jersey into the city of Newark where it is being pursued by police and animal control officers.

About 20 minutes after entering Newark the bear was stolen and taken for a joy ride.

Tuesday, May 9

Double Entendre

A couple of people noticed that in my last post I mentioned that my dog and I "came across" a homeless man. They made light of my inadvertent double entendre.

Actually, it was only one person.

You know who you are.

Anyway, I apologize. I strive mightily to avoid writing anything that might have any type of double meaning, but sometimes I just can't help making a boner.

Monday, May 8

Makes You Think

The other morning I was walking my dog, Spike, when we came across a homeless man urinating in a trash can.

"Disgusting", I thought, then looked down at Spike to get his reactions.

He was urinating on a mailbox.

Makes you think.

Saturday, May 6


I read a story in the paper the other day stating "A child who is obese at age 13 has an 80% chance of being overweight at age 35."

My first thought is "So, what's wrong with that?" It seems to me that being overweigh is an improvement over being obese.

Obese at 13.

Overweight at 35.

Who knows? By the time he hits 50 this kid could be thin as a rail.

Thursday, May 4

Our National Anthem

I'm not sure if I got this right, but I thought I heard on the radio that people were singing the National Anthem in Yiddish! Based on my experience with night club comics and The Nanny I can only imagine what that must be like:

Oy vey, can you see
What we kvelled at last night?
In the twilight's last glow
Not a shmatte we're hailing.
Yes the stripes were so broad
And the stars were just right
With such shpilkes we watched
It so gallantly sailing!
And the rockets' red glitz,
The bombs plotzing a schvitz,
Gave nakhes in the night
That our flag there still sits:
Oy vey, does that spangling star banner wave yet
If not then I know that we'll all be ferklempt.