Thursday, August 24

Sorry, Pluto

The International Astronomical Union has declared that Pluto is no longer a real planet. They say Pluto is now a "Dwarf" planet. They added that the asteroid Ceres and something called "2003 UB313" are also "Dwarf" planets.

Meanwhile the American Association of Little Planets has filed suit against the International Astronomical Union claiming insensitivity in their use of the term "Dwarf".

Sunday, August 20

I See Drunk People

I see Haley Joel Osment - apparently forever to be known as the star of The Sixth Sense - was charged with a driving under the influence of alcohol. According to police reports he lost control of his 1995 Saturn and crashed into a tree.

How embarassing.

I mean, a 1995 Saturn?

Friday, August 18

Andrew Young

According to the New York Times Andrew Young, a former mayor of Atlanta and a former United States representative to the United Nations, stated in his role as Wal-Mart Spokesman that Jewish, Arab and Korean shop owners had “ripped off” urban communities for years, “selling us stale bread, and bad meat and wilted vegetables.”

Later Mr. Young apologized and resigned as Wal-Mart Spokesman.

I guess it could have been worse. At least he didn’t blame those Jewish, Arab and Korean shop owners for starting all the wars.

And I don’t feel too badly about him resigning. After all, the position of Wal-Mart Spokesman only pays $5.15 an hour with no health benefits.

Wednesday, August 9

Cynical? Yeah, Right.

On one of the Sunday Morning news shows the panelists were bemoaning the fact that 20-34 year old males who get their news from watching The Daily Show tend to be cynical about politicians.

And what, exactly, is wrong with that?

Sure, we'd all like to believe that politicians are dedicated public servants who are only interested in the betterment of society and the nation.

We'd all like to believe that George W. Bush is a wily good ol' boy with a secret plan to fix up the Middle East, too.

But as we enter our 20-34 years we outgrow our belief in fairy tales.

Face it, there are only 3 things that a politician really believes in:

1. Getting re-elected.
2. Getting re-elected.
3. Getting re-elected.

Of course, I suppose if you're a politician you have to believe that it is only through re-election that you can accomplish the betterment of society and the nation.

The problem is getting Jon Stewart to believe it too.

Wednesday, August 2

The Driving Of The Mel

When Mel Gibson was stopped for drunk driving he blew a .12 blood alcohol. The legal limit is .08 but even .06 can affect you. In fact according to the National Institues of Health here is how different levels of blood alcohol would affect a 185 pound man:
.06: Becomes very relaxed and even sleepy.
Begins to suspect some undefined ethnic group is
behind this.

.08: Judgment is impaired. Begins to notice people
wearing yarmulkes.

.10: Wonders exactly how you spell yarmulkes.
Because of this begins to resent people who
wear them.

.12: Experiences mood swings between a preternatural
need to drive a motor vehicle and an
uncontrollable desire to know who is responsible
for all the wars.

.14: Feels an irresistable urge to make insufferable
motion pictures.

.20: Realized he must meet with Jewish leaders for a
one-on-one discussion - and teach those bastards
a lesson once and for all!