Thursday, March 30

Movie Outlet

My wife and I drove up to Rhode Island over the weekend and on the way we stopped for a bite to eat at a Denny's I know just off of I-95. I only go to Denny's for the hash brown potatoes, which, despite its having over 40,000 restaurants, I have not found duplicated anywhere in New York City.

As we sat enjoying our food I happened to look out the window and notice that there was an outlet center across the street. A large sign listed the stores available and, at the bottom, a small notice said "Cinema VII".

I wondered what kind of movies would be showing at an outlet cinema so, after paying the astonishingly small check, we took a walk over.

Here is what I found.

  • All the movies seemed to be either 29 minutes or 9 1/2 hours long ("Yeah, we had some 2 hours films last week, but they went pretty fast").

  • Several came in only one color ("We've got Godfather III in red, House of Wax in green, and I Am Curious in yellow").

  • Quite a few were missing some features that you think would be pretty standard ("Well, you didn't expect to get a soundtrack at these prices, did you?")

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to see a movie that day - although I was tempted by a silent, 29 minute, all blue version of Titanic - but as we drove away I made a mental note to stop on the way back just to check what the new inventory looked like.

Who knows? I might find a real bargain.

Friday, March 17


I confess. I like yogurt. I even have it for lunch once in a while.

Today I pulled back the aluminum seal, took in the tart fragrance, and then licked that thin layer that always clings to the foil. After my tongue had cleared away the viscous peachy paste, I noticed something printed on the underside of the seal.

"Check out", it said. "Real women, real stories, real inspiration."

What's up with that? Don't they think real men with real stories eat yogurt? Is it just some kind of chick dish?

Well, I'm sorry Yogurt, but I can't have my masculinity questioned again. Even though I love you, I'm going to have to give you up.

So tomorrow for lunch I'll be having some good old manly cottage cheese.

And I'm not sharing it with my cat, either.

Wednesday, March 15


I just noticed that my first post was March 15, 2005 (the Ides of March... Coincidence?) so this marks the first anniversary of JDTimes. This seems like a good time to reflect on some blogging statistics.

  • The average blogger only posts 10.6 times and then gives up, so posting for a whole years is quite an accomplishment.

  • 79% of bloggers who stick with it for one year go on to make lots of money.

  • 63.5% of bloggers who stick with it for one year are thought of as better looking than those who don't.

  • An astonishing 98% of bloggers who stick with it for one year are thought of as sensible people whose advice is considered well worth following, especially by their wives and teenage children.

Oh, and 100% of bloggers, no matter how long they stick with it, make up statistics to fit whatever story they are trying to tell.

Monday, March 13

Lose 10 Lbs. Of Ugly Fat

I am not a slender man. In fact, I have battled a weight problem my entire life.

Deep down inside, though, I truly believe that I am not overweight.

I am merely too short.

The fact is if I were only about 9 inches taller my weight would be ideal.

In any case, I was intrigued to read about some new digital cameras that claim to make the person in the picture look slimmer. I happen to know that Nelson, my nemesis who always has the latest everything, would have one of these cameras. I called him up and he agreed to let me borrow it.

As a test I first took a picture of myself using the normal setting so I could see what I look like in everyday life

Some of you are probably saying "Yeah, he battled a weight problem - and lost!"

Just remember, the camera adds 10 pounds.

Now, here is a picture of me using the 'slim' setting:

No doubt about it. I'm getting one of these cameras.

Friday, March 10

The Long War

I see that the Bush administration has started referring to the War on Terror as "The Long War". That's a pretty catchy title. Not as alliterative as "World War II" or as descriptive as "The War Between The States", but serviceable.

One thing to consider, though, is if there has been any thought given to how we will know when "The Long War" is over. I only ask because we wartime Americans are being asked to sacrifice a variety of civil liberties, and I think it is only natural to wonder when we’ll know it’s okay for these liberties to be restored.

Will there be a VLW Day like there was VE Day and VJ Day? Will we see jubilant strangers kissing in Times Square? Will there be tickertape parades to welcome back the LW troops?

And just how old will those troops be when they come marching home? Sixty-five? Eighty-five?

Could it be that this will be the first war where the majority of the casualties are caused by old age?

I’d just like to know.

Tuesday, March 7

Wherefore Art Thou, Walmart?

I saw this story in the New York Times about how Walmart is trying to get bloggers to participate in a public relations campaign designed to improve the company's image. Since I had recently written a post somewhat related to Walmart I eagerly checked my email to see if I had been solicited.

No such luck.

I guess if you go a little bit "negative" about Walmart you don't get to be one of the chosen few. That's okay; I'm not about to change my stance on this fine example of American entrepreneurship just to curry favor with the intelligent and perceptive executive who selects these lucky bloggers. After all, I have my dignity to think of. A dignity, I might point out, which I often maintain by donning the fine apparel available at Walmart.

Sure, it would have been flattering to be asked to extol the virtues of the mighty Arkansas retailer, to point out the unbelievable bargains available within it’s hallowed walls, the excellent selection spread out across its voluminous aisles, the indisputable quality of its serendipitous commodities…

Are you listening, Walmart?

Thursday, March 2

Walton's Woodpeckers

Ornithologists report that a flock of ivory-billed woodpeckers, a species once thought to be extinct, has been discovered in rural Arkansas on the estate of Sam Walton, founder of Walmart.

Researchers said the birds, once known as the "Lord God" bird because they were so spectacular that when they were seen people would remark, "Lord, God what a bird!", have ivory-colored bills, white wing patches and are about 13 inches from wrist to tail. The males have a red crest of feathers on their head, make $5.15 an hour, and have no health plan.

Wednesday, March 1

When Is A Blackmailer Not A Blackmailer?

Over the weekend I heard a couple of Senators say, regarding Dubai Port World managing American ports, that if we don't go through with the deal the company, owned by the United Arab Emerates, could make things difficult for us in other parts of the world.

How come when a terrorist blackmails you it's called blackmail, but when a business blackmails you it called business?

Nothing personal, you understand. Just business.