Friday, October 27


ROME (JDT) - The Imperial Emperor Tiberius Augustus Caesar said Friday that Governor Pontius Pilate was not talking about a technique known as "crucifixion" when he said nailing suspects to a cross was a "no-brainer."

One minority religious group complained that Pilate's comments amounted to an endorsement of crucifixion, in which the victim is affixed to a wooden cross.

Tiberius Augustus, when asked about Pilate's comments, said, "This Empire doesn't crucify. We're not going to crucify."

Earlier, Imperial Press Secretary Antoius Niveus denied that Pilate had endorsed crucifixion.

"You know as a matter of common sense that the Governor of Judea is not going to be talking about crucifixion. Never would, never does, never will," Niveus said. "You think Pontius Pilate's going to slip up on something like this? No, come on."

However, during a hand washing ceremony Tuesday a reporter asked Pilate if "nailing to a cross is a no-brainer."

The Governor replied, "Well, it's a no-brainer for me but for a while there I was criticized as being the Governor for crucifixion. We don't crucify. That's not what we're involved in."

Peppered with questions about the remarks, Niveus said Pilate did not interpret the question as referring to crucifixion and the Governor did not make any comments about crucifixion. He said the question put to Pilate was loosely worded.

Asked to define nailing to a cross, Niveus said, "It's affixing someone to a cross. With nails."

Jesus Christ, executive director of The Apostles - the minority religious group that favors doing unto others what you would have them do unto you - said in a statement, "What's really a no-brainer is that no Roman official, much less the Governor of a Province, should champion crucifixion. Governor Pilate's advocacy of crucifixion sets a new human rights low at a time when human rights is already scraping the bottom of the Caesarian administration barrel."

Mr. Christ is currently in custody at an undisclosed location.

Thursday, October 26

New Slogan

Following some controversy regarding The President's plan to avoid the term "Stay The Course" and instead change the way he is doing things, Mr. Bush has issued this statement:

Some say that changing the course is not the correct approach. That we should not change anything. That we should continue the same path.

That would be a grave mistake.

And let me be clear.

I don't care if the only ones who support my decision are my wife and my dog.

I will not budge from my willingness to change.

Therefore the new guiding principle for the United States will be defined by the following phrase:

"Stay the Change."

Tuesday, October 24

Off Course

Washington, DC (JDT) - President Bush has now declared that he will no longer use the term "Stay The Course".

“Stay the course means keep doing what you’re doing,” Mr. Bush said. “My attitude is, don’t do what you’re doing if it’s not working; change.”

"In other words", explained Presidential Phrase Adviser Winston Smith in a follow-up interview, "Stay The Course means Change The Course."

He added: “Stay the course also means don’t leave before the job is done. And not leaving before the job is done means don't bother to finish the job before leaving.”

In addition to his duties as advisor to the President, Mr. Smith is also a member of the White House speech writing staff. He is currently working on a speech Mr. Bush plans to deliver immediately following the upcoming Congressional elections.

The title of that speech?

"Losing Means Winning".

Monday, October 23

Penmanship: The Lost Art

A convicted killer facing lethal injection committed suicide by slitting his throat in his Texas death row cell on Thursday.

He was found in a pool of blood by officers making a routine check. He was pronounced dead at a hospital.

He had apparently scrawled words in blood on the wall of his cell.

Prison officials said they could not quite make out what he wrote.

"It's totally illegible," said one guard who asked not to be identified. "I think part of it said 'I'm sorry' but it could have been 'sonny' or even 'soggy'".

When asked why a man facing imminent execution would write "I'm soggy" the guard had no comment.

Saturday, October 21

The Congressman And The Priest

A Roman Catholic Priest, The Rev. Anthony Mercieca, and Former Congressman Mark Foley are laughing off questions about their sexuality and rumors that they're anything more than just pals.

"We had a few drinks. We tried it. Wasn't for us," Foley jokes in a recent interview that addresses rumors about them being gay.

"Our friendship just kind of developed," says the priest.

Father Mercieca, who has known Foley for over thirty years, stresses that despite the raised-eyebrows they've gotten due to photos of them – often shirtless – biking, running and partying together, they are just buddies.

"I think people see pictures and they think we're these overgrown frat guys, but we all have those kinds of relationships – and relationship isn't a bad word," says Father Mercieca. "I mean, we all have buds, we all take guy trips, but you take something very normal like a nude massage and people start talking. "

Foley goes further to defend their relationship saying, "A lot of people don’t understand friendship and brotherhood. I have a great friend in him. I’d do anything he asked me to, even though he’d probably never ask me to, and he feels the same way. It’s fun going out, having a few drinks, and living life and doing things at the drop of a hat."

"Or the drop of a swim suit," jokes the cleric, eyeing a nearby swimming hole.

Father Mercieca, 69, calls Foley, 53, the "Congress Man," and says the legislator’s laid back style has been a good influence on him – especially when it comes to gossip and potential legal action. "His idea is like, 'Look, it is what it is, so go out there, have a few drinks, and have some fun.' He’s truly carefree – which is to say, he truly doesn't care."

"I'll drink to that," confirmed the disgraced Floridian. "Now who's up for a massage?"

Thursday, October 19

Star Bucks Episode II: A New Hope

My item about the neighborhood Starbucks that went out of business has prompted so much pessimism among loyal readers that I feel compelled to call attention to an item of hope.

The two nail salons on either side of the defunct Starbucks, as well as the one across the street, are all doing fine.

So thank you Mee Mee, Ling Nu, and Phar.

You reassure us in these troubled times.

Wednesday, October 18

So Long, It's Been Good To Know You

The other day while I was taking my usual Sunday afternoon walkabout through the streets of the Upper East Side I came across a remarkable site.

A Starbucks was closing.

Not just for the day.



Out o' business.

That's it. Prepare for the apocalypse. The end is near.

Monday, October 16

Minority Report

I heard a news report this morning saying that married couples are now in the minority in America. And in Manhattan, where my wife and I reside, only 26% of couples are married. If you check the census tables that puts us just a shade below Latvians and just a smidge above Republicans.

Being a middle-aged white male I am unaccustomed to being a minority. It is an odd feeling, and quite frankly I'm not sure I'm prepared to deal with it.

First of all you have to come up with a catchy name for your "community".

What can you call the married couple community?

"The Wedded Party"?

"Spouses United For Peace And Justice"?

"The Conjugal Community"? Hmmm...

"We, the members of the Conjugal Community, demand respect and equal rights from the hedonistic, bachelorist exploiters."

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Then there is the slogan. You can't have a community without a slogan.

"Say it loud, we're legally bound to one another and we're proud"?

"No Justice of the Peace, No Peace"?
(Actually, in my case, "No Anniversary Present, No Peace" is probably more accurate. )

No, if you really want to get down to the nitty-gritty it's got to be, "Keep your hands off my married-filing-jointly tax break!"


Well, slogan or no slogan, one thing is for sure.

I'm not moving to the back of the bus.

Unless, of course, my wife tells me I have to.

Friday, October 13

Wednesday, October 11

Young Democracy

At his recent press conference President Bush declared, in reference to Iraq, “We're helping this young democracy succeed.”

Exactly what kind of help are we giving this young democracy?

USA76: yo, dude wassup

SUNNIBOY: scrounging for food brb

USA76: kool

SUNNIBOY: Not really. I actually have to scrounge for food. Also clean water and electricity.

USA76: lol!

SUNNIBOY: It’s frustrating trying to survive here now.

USA76: maybe u need a massage


USA76: u no. 2 help u rlx

SUNNIBOY: We can’t relax until we have established a stable government.

USA76: what color r ur underpants

SUNNIBOY: I'm not wearing underpants.

USA76: ummmmmmmmmmmm

SUNNIBOY: That's another thing we have to scrounge for.

USA76: then what r u wearing

SUNNIBOY: That has no relevance to the issue at hand.

USA76: speaking if the issue at hand, y dont u get a ruler and

SUNNIBOY: This conversation is is starting to make me uncomfortable.

USA76: whats the matter? too over friendly?

SUNNIBOY: You could say that. oh oh. brb…insurgents are yelling

USA76: r they in their last throes

SUNNIBOY: haha. not likely.

USA76: talk tomorrow?

SUNNIBOY: Whatever.

USA76: ok. b4n. lol. e pluribus unum.

Monday, October 9

Hey, Old Timer.

I recently caught myself talking like an old man.

Being a Baby Boomer I am, of course, rather sensitive when it comes to aging. In fact I identified my age as “late twenties/early thirties” until I was 42 years old. Now that I’m in my late forties/early fifties it is even worse.

So recently when I was having a conversation with my wife and I realized I was contradicting and complaining about everything she said, it came as quite a shock. I could hear my voice, but the words coming out were those of Old Man Krabbit, who lived across the street from us when I was a kid.

Old Man Krabbit never had a nice day, never met a man he liked, always griped about the weather, complained about ill behaved children, hated dogs, and was generally a miserable person.

Now here I was, acting the same way. I was even on the verge of using the word "tarnation".

So I bit my tongue, apologized to the Missus, and vowed not to be so gol darn cantankerous.

I mean, I’m too young to act like an old man.


Friday, October 6

Overly Over-Friendly Email

I have mentioned before the over friendly email I received from the Republican Party asking me for a “contribution” and also for “support”. I was hoping this was some sort of anomaly and that if I ignored it they would leave me alone.

Sadly, that is not the case. And now things are getting just a little bit scary.

I have received another email from them, and in this one they are asking about – it makes me sick to think of it – the “size” of my “contribution”.

Have they no decency?

Wednesday, October 4

That Poor Man

I never thought I'd say it, but I'm beginning to feel sorry for Saddam Hussein, especially after reading this recent disclosure:

The former Iraqi dictator who stepped down following the invasion of his country by American forces has checked himself into rehab.

Ex-President Saddam Hussein says he is seeking help for alcoholism.

Hussein issued a statement, saying he has deep regrets and accepts full responsibility for the harm he has caused.

The former Supreme Ruler, now on trial for mass murder and genocide, then issued a series of revelations from rehab, including a claim that he had been sexually abused as a teen.

Attorney Ramsey Clark, speaking on Hussein's behalf at a Baghdad news conference Tuesday, said Hussein was molested between ages 13 and 15 by a mullah.

He declined to identify the mullah.

"Saddam does not blame the trauma he sustained as a young adolescent for his totally inappropriate genocide", Clark said. "He continues to offer no excuse whatsoever for his conduct."

Clark, who spoke for Hussein while he is in rehab for alcohol abuse and mental illness, said Hussein denied gassing thousands of innocent civilians and that he was under the influence of alcohol when he ordered the murder of dozens of his political opponents and their families.

"There was absolutely no inappropriate gassing of religious minorities... and any suggestion that Saddam Hussein is a homicidal monster is false," Clark said.

Clark also acknowledged for the first time that the former President For Life is gay, saying the disclosure was part of his client's "recovery."

"Saddam Hussein wants you to know he is a gay man," Clark said.

Monday, October 2

Over-Friendly Emails

I’m going to have to complain to House Speaker Dennis Hastert about an "over-friendly" e-mail that I received from the Republican Party recently. In the email they suggestively asked for not only a “contribution” but also for unspecified “support”. Then they asked me to contact my friends to see if they would also make a “contribution”.

The only problem is I’m not a Republican, so I am quite disturbed by these unwanted advances. But I feel a little better now that I know I'm not the only one being harassed.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a problem with Republicans.

Some say that Republicans choose to be the way they are, that it is some kind of “lifestyle choice”.

I don’t agree.

I think they are just born that way.