Tuesday, December 12

The Age Of Apple

According to a recent report nearly half of Mac owners are 55 and older. However an Apple spokesman took issue with the statistics, stating "Our customer data shows that only around 20 percent of Mac users are over the age of 55”.

“If you don’t believe it,” he added, “go to an Apple Store and see who is in there.”

Well, I’m over the age of 55 and, after a year and a half of satisfactory iPod performance, I’ve been considering buying a Mac. So I decided to take the Apple spokesman up on his challenge and visit my local Apple Store.

The problems started right at the door. A rather imposing young man with large, tattooed biceps bulging from a tight black tee shirt put his hand up and said “Hold it right there, bud. I’m going to have to see some ID.”

This took me by surprise so I stood there stammering for a moment until he said, "How old are you, anyway?"

Remembering the words of the Apple spokesman I panicked briefly and responded, "Uh, I, I, I'm...29." I tried to sound confident.

"Oh, really?" he questioned. "Well, then, what year were you born?"

I frantically tried to do the subtraction in my head while appearing nonchalant.

"1973?" Even I knew it sounded like a guess.

"Nice try," he smirked, then pointed to a small sign by the door that read "In order to enter these premises you must have been born on this date during or after the year 1977."

"Yeah, 1977. That's what I said."

"I don't think so, pops. Now move along and let some young people in."

"Yeah, move along," said the guy behind me. I swear, he didn't look a day under 45 but he was wearing baggy jeans, gigantic sneakers and a New York Knicks jersey that hung to his knees. An oversize baseball cap sat sideways on his head, but a few gray hairs managed to peek out from beneath it. "Yo, G. Let someone else have a chance," he grunted.

"Okay, 'G'," I replied as I slowly turned and walked away. Behind me I heard the doorman say "This doesn't even look like you, G.", then add, "Name three songs by the Black Eyed Peas."

I smiled as I continued down the street while "G" struggled to come up with an answer. Maybe I'm too old for Apple, but that Fergie? She is one Bodacious Babe.

Monday, December 11

Today In History I

Dec, 11th

384: Death of St. Damascuc I, Pope

385: Death of St. Damascuc II, Pope

386: Death of St. Damascuc III, Pope

386: Future Popes decide that Damascuc is not a lucky name.

493: Death of St. Daniel the Stylite. Distant relative to St. Daniel the Styish AKA "That Saint who dresses so nice."

1192: Richard the Lion-Hearted captured near Vienna by Leopold the Ass-Face of Austria

1282: Beheading of Llywelyn ap Gruffudd, considered last legitimate Prince of Wales. Until the use of the Guillotine in the 18th century being beheaded is referred to as "being all Gruffudded up."

1475: Pope Leo X born. Mother has the foresight to name him Pope Leo X.

1620: 103 "Mayflower" pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock. Encounter 8 foot fence installed by Native Americans to keep them out.

1792: France's King Louis the 16th went before the Convention to face charges of treason. Convention issues an edict to "Gruffudd his ass".

1830: Hawaiian King Kamehameha. The Kamehameha dynasty ended with his death on Dec. 11, 1872. born. Kamehameha is the thing to say on a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day.

1844: Dr. Horace Wells, of Hartford, CT, had a tooth extracted. He became the first to receive an anesthetic for this dental procedure. Dr. Wells expresses condolences to the poor schlep who had his tooth pulled the day before.

1882: New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia born. Mother has the foresight to name him New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia.

1882: The Bijou Theatre in Boston, MA, became the first theatre to be lighted by electricity. Also first theater to forget to turn down the lights when the movie starts.

1894: The world's first motor show opened in Paris with nine exhibitors, all named Chevrolet.

1918: Russian novelist Alexander Solzhenitsyn born. Immediately sent to prison.

1919: The kind citizens of Enterprise, Alabama dedicated the first known monument to honor the boll weevil. The weevil had destroyed cotton plants. However, by forcing folks to diversify their crops, the farmers wound up tripling their income. Also dedicated monuments to ringworm and genital warts.

1927: Nearly 400 world leaders sign a letter to President Coolidge asking the U.S. to join the World Court. President Coolidge does not choose to read.

1930: As the economic crises grows, the Bank of the U.S. closes its doors after running out of complimentary toasters.

1936: Britain's King Edward the Eighth abdicated the throne in order to marry American divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. Later disappointed when discovers Wallis Warfield Simpson is a woman.

1939: Singer Betty Grable and her famous legs were featured on the cover of "LIFE" magazine. Rest of her body judged too out of shape to be shown.

1939: Marlene Dietrich recorded "Falling In Love Again", on the Decca label. Later had to return to record it on an actual record.

1943 or 44, whichever sounds better to the voters: Senator John Kerry (Democrat, Massachusetts) born

1951: Joe DiMaggio announces his retirement from baseball, discounting it's importance by stating "Hey, they'll never write a song about it".