Saturday, February 25

My Objective Opinion

We were just finishing dinner when the phone rang. My wife picked it up, said "Why, yes, he's right here", and handed it to me with a disturbing look of bemusement in her eye.

“Hello”, said a rather young sounding female voice. “This is Mindy with the Associated Survey Service. Are you the head of the house?”

“No”, I said, scowling at my wife, “But I’m married to her.”

“I’m sorry?” said a confused Mindy. “I can only speak to the head…”

“Yes, yes, that’s me,” I grunted. I didn't mean to be rude, but regular readers of these posts will know that I have not had good experiences with telephone surveyors. “What do you want?”

“I’m conducting an opinion poll regarding the coming election and I want to ask you a few questions. Is that okay?”

“Sure. I’m always happy to give my opinion." My wife snorted so I added, “As head of the household.”

“Thank you, sir. Now, please answer the following questions objectively using a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is Not Interested, 2 is A Bit Interested, 3 is More Than A Bit Interested, 4 is…”

“Whoa, slow down, Mindy. I’m trying to write this down.”

She continued slowly up to “…and 10 is The Best Idea I Ever Heard.”

“Alright, I think I have that now. Go ahead with the questions.”

“Okay." She took a deep breath. "The first question is: ’Do you think we should clean up the mess in Washington by lowering the outrageous taxes that have become such a burden to the everyday citizen struggling to make ends meet while the government wallows in waste and mismanagement?’”

I know I should have just answered the question 1-to-10 but I could not resist the temptation to editorialize.

“Well, it’s going to be tough to answer that question objectively, since it isn’t a very objective question. I'm surprised you didn't mention 'Throwing The Rascals Out'."

"I think that's the next question."

"You know, if you were in court you would be accused of leading the witness.”

“Are you a lawyer, sir?”

“No, but I watch all the version of Law and Order…”

“…because if you are a lawyer, then I have to thank you for your time…”

“…no, I’m not a lawyer. I just watch…”

“…and tell you that’s all I need right now.”

“…wait, I have opinions - objective opinions - about taxes and rascals and…”

The phone went dead.

“That sounded interesting,” smirked my wife.

“Not just interesting," I said, finishing a green bean. "It was '7: More Interesting Than You Can Possibly Imagine'.”

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