Excrucio

ROME (JDT) - The Imperial Emperor Tiberius Augustus Caesar said Friday that Governor Pontius Pilate was not talking about a technique known as "crucifixion" when he said nailing suspects to a cross was a "no-brainer."

One minority religious group complained that Pilate's comments amounted to an endorsement of crucifixion, in which the victim is affixed to a wooden cross.

Tiberius Augustus, when asked about Pilate's comments, said, "This Empire doesn't crucify. We're not going to crucify."

Earlier, Imperial Press Secretary Antoius Niveus denied that Pilate had endorsed crucifixion.

"You know as a matter of common sense that the Governor of Judea is not going to be talking about crucifixion. Never would, never does, never will," Niveus said. "You think Pontius Pilate's going to slip up on something like this? No, come on."

However, during a hand washing ceremony Tuesday a reporter asked Pilate if "nailing to a cross is a no-brainer."

The Governor replied, "Well, it's a no-brainer for me but for a while there I was criticized as being the Governor for crucifixion. We don't crucify. That's not what we're involved in."

Peppered with questions about the remarks, Niveus said Pilate did not interpret the question as referring to crucifixion and the Governor did not make any comments about crucifixion. He said the question put to Pilate was loosely worded.

Asked to define nailing to a cross, Niveus said, "It's affixing someone to a cross. With nails."

Jesus Christ, executive director of The Apostles - the minority religious group that favors doing unto others what you would have them do unto you - said in a statement, "What's really a no-brainer is that no Roman official, much less the Governor of a Province, should champion crucifixion. Governor Pilate's advocacy of crucifixion sets a new human rights low at a time when human rights is already scraping the bottom of the Caesarian administration barrel."

Mr. Christ is currently in custody at an undisclosed location.

New Slogan

Following some controversy regarding The President's plan to avoid the term "Stay The Course" and instead change the way he is doing things, Mr. Bush has issued this statement:

Some say that changing the course is not the correct approach. That we should not change anything. That we should continue the same path.

That would be a grave mistake.

And let me be clear.

I don't care if the only ones who support my decision are my wife and my dog.

I will not budge from my willingness to change.

Therefore the new guiding principle for the United States will be defined by the following phrase:

"Stay the Change."

Off Course

Washington, DC (JDT) - President Bush has now declared that he will no longer use the term "Stay The Course".

“Stay the course means keep doing what you’re doing,” Mr. Bush said. “My attitude is, don’t do what you’re doing if it’s not working; change.”

"In other words", explained Presidential Phrase Adviser Winston Smith in a follow-up interview, "Stay The Course means Change The Course."

He added: “Stay the course also means don’t leave before the job is done. And not leaving before the job is done means don't bother to finish the job before leaving.”

In addition to his duties as advisor to the President, Mr. Smith is also a member of the White House speech writing staff. He is currently working on a speech Mr. Bush plans to deliver immediately following the upcoming Congressional elections.

The title of that speech?

"Losing Means Winning".

Penmanship: The Lost Art

A convicted killer facing lethal injection committed suicide by slitting his throat in his Texas death row cell on Thursday.

He was found in a pool of blood by officers making a routine check. He was pronounced dead at a hospital.

He had apparently scrawled words in blood on the wall of his cell.

Prison officials said they could not quite make out what he wrote.

"It's totally illegible," said one guard who asked not to be identified. "I think part of it said 'I'm sorry' but it could have been 'sonny' or even 'soggy'".

When asked why a man facing imminent execution would write "I'm soggy" the guard had no comment.

The Congressman And The Priest

A Roman Catholic Priest, The Rev. Anthony Mercieca, and Former Congressman Mark Foley are laughing off questions about their sexuality and rumors that they're anything more than just pals.

"We had a few drinks. We tried it. Wasn't for us," Foley jokes in a recent interview that addresses rumors about them being gay.

"Our friendship just kind of developed," says the priest.

Father Mercieca, who has known Foley for over thirty years, stresses that despite the raised-eyebrows they've gotten due to photos of them – often shirtless – biking, running and partying together, they are just buddies.

"I think people see pictures and they think we're these overgrown frat guys, but we all have those kinds of relationships – and relationship isn't a bad word," says Father Mercieca. "I mean, we all have buds, we all take guy trips, but you take something very normal like a nude massage and people start talking. "

Foley goes further to defend their relationship saying, "A lot of people don’t understand friendship and brotherhood. I have a great friend in him. I’d do anything he asked me to, even though he’d probably never ask me to, and he feels the same way. It’s fun going out, having a few drinks, and living life and doing things at the drop of a hat."

"Or the drop of a swim suit," jokes the cleric, eyeing a nearby swimming hole.

Father Mercieca, 69, calls Foley, 53, the "Congress Man," and says the legislator’s laid back style has been a good influence on him – especially when it comes to gossip and potential legal action. "His idea is like, 'Look, it is what it is, so go out there, have a few drinks, and have some fun.' He’s truly carefree – which is to say, he truly doesn't care."

"I'll drink to that," confirmed the disgraced Floridian. "Now who's up for a massage?"