Monday, August 1

General Washington, meet Mr. Rove

After reading about the adventures of George Washington in David McCullough's new book 1776 and at the same time following the adventures of Karl Rove on the news every night the following scenario occurred to me.

It is January 1777. George Washington and his small army have crossed the Delaware River and defeated the Hessian mercenaries at Trenton, New Jersey. News comes that the British General Charles Cornwallis and his army are approaching from the north to counterattack. Washington consults with his Generals, Nathanael Greene and Henry Knox, as well as a new advisor, Karl Rove.

Washington: Gentlemen, we have won a great victory. Now we must determine the best course of action against Cornwallis. How do you advise?

Greene: Sir, we must attack to secure our gains. Cornwallis is a worthy opponent, but the righteousness of our cause will not be denied.

Knox: I agree. Cornwallis is an good man and a fine leader, but we can defeat him if we keep faith with our cause. We must pledge our sacred honor and attack.

Washington: And you, Rove. What do you counsel?

Rove: I say we see if we can dig up any dirt on his wife. Find out where she works, if she maybe had something to do with him getting his job; make him look like he's “whipped”, if you know what I mean.

Washington: I'm sure I don't know what you mean Rove.

Rove: I wonder if he has any medals. Let's see if we can raise questions about any medals he has been awarded. You know, make it seem like he doesn't deserve them.

Washington: I don't think we want to pledge our sacred honor to "dig up some dirt".

Rove: You know, I heard he's a womanizer and a drunk.

Washington: I have never heard any such thing.

Rove: Well, you have now. It'll be plastered all over every pamphlet and almanac from here to Timbuktu in a week.

Washington: I think that is quite enough, Rove. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Rove: Leave? I'm just getting started. What about his kids? They ever been kicked our of school or anything? Or his old man? Any shady real estate deals or maybe a gambling problem?

Wahington: You there, Lt. Burr. Will you please excort Mr. Rove from the room.

Rove: Get your hands off me Burr. You don't know who you're dealing with. Your reputation is toast - do you hear me? Toast! It would be so easy to have Novak spread it around that you're a trigger-happy hothead. What do you think of that? How would you like to go down in history as a trigger-happy hothead, huh?

Washington: For God's sake, Rove. Control yourself. I worry for you.

Rove: You don't have to worry about me, "Excellency". Hah! Nothing excellent about your teeth, is there? How'd it be if Novak got a hold of that, General Splinter Mouth? “Anonymous sources report that the savior of our country can’t even chew his own meat. He has to have his wife do it for him.” Hah!

Washington: You are a scoundrel of the first order, sir. I feel sorry for you. Good day.

Rove: Don't feel sorry for me. I've already got another gig lined up.

Washington, Greene, and Knox: "Gig"?

Rove: I start work next week for a real hero.

Washington: A real hero?

Rove: It just so happens I‘ll be senior advisor to one of the finest military minds there is. And unlike you losers, I have a feeling he'll do whatever I tell him to.

Washington: And who might that be?

Rove: Why, Benedict Arnold of course.

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