Nelson, my nemesis, caught me filing my thumbnail at work the other day. I had jammed my thumb while reaching for a soy crisp that was falling off my desk and created a painfully jagged nail. I was smoothing it out with an emery board when Nelson stuck his head in the doorway of my office.
“How about some lunch… Hey, what’s the matter? Broke a nail?”
“No, I didn’t break a nail. I jammed my thumb reaching for a…” I didn’t want to admit liking soy crisps to Nelson so I said, “…beef jerky.”
“And you broke a nail doing that?”
“It just cracked a little. It needs to be smoothed out is all.”
“What you got there, Jim? Emery board? I could see how that would handle a lady's nails, but I’d think a man would need something stronger. Just goes to show you.”
Although the emery board had done a fine job smoothing the edge of my thumbnail (and buffed it to a very attractive sheen, I might add) I couldn’t let his comment go unchallenged.
“This is just an emergency fix. When I get home I’ll have to go over it with a..., uh..., belt sander or something.”
"You know, if your nails are fragile..."
"They are NOT fragile! I just..."
"...you should try getting more calcium in your diet. Quit eating that beef jerky all the time."
"What should I eat, then?"
"Oh, lots of foods have calcium. Hey, I know! You ever heard of soy crisps?"