What's My App?

When I heard that the mobile application WhatsApp had been acquired by Facebook for 19 billion dollars it occurred to me that maybe I should try to come up with an app I could sell to Facebook. I certainly didn't expect 19 billion dollars (after all this would be my first app) but 1 or 2 billion didn't seem out of the question.

PART I: THE MAKINGS OF A DEVELOPER

The first thing I did was find out what I had in common with other app developers. I wanted to see if I had what it took to succeed in this field.

Here are my findings:

1. It helps to have been born in Russia and then leave Russia and move to America.

My conclusion: This could be problematical since I was born in Los Angeles, California, but - and this is critical - if I had been born in Russia I'm almost certain that I would have left Russia and moved to America the first chance I got. There is no way to know for sure, but I gave myself partial credit anyway.

2. Having dropped out of an Ivy League school seems to be a bonus.

My conclusion: I never attended an Ivy League school but if I had I know I would have seriously considered dropping out. Especially after the first report cards were issued. Again, I gave myself a partial credit on this one.

3. Almost universally the most successful app developers must allow their technological passions to overwhelm the need for any sexual gratification whatsoever.

My conclusion: Maybe having every little thing in common with successful app developers is not all that important.

PART II: THE MAKINGS OF AN APP

Next, I checked out what the most successful apps actually do. It soon became clear that for an app to become a best seller it must have three things in common:

1. It must be a game;
2. It must make you more productive;
3. It must enable you to inform every person on the face of the Earth that you are being productive while playing a game.

PART III: THE MAKINGS OF AN IDENTITY

It is very important to have a good name for your app. Remember in high school when you and your friends were going to start a band and you spent the first month or so coming up with a good name? Same is true for an app.

Facebook is a good example. It's like you are reading a book with your face on every page. Hey, I'm reading a book. Oh, look, there's my face. Book. Face.  Facebook. Very nice.

PART IV: THE MAKINGS OF A CONCLUSION

Keeping all this in mind I think I have come up with a winner.

Keep your eyes peeled for the exciting new app called...

Face Crush With Friends:

Professional Edition.

It will be releasing as soon as my Russian visa request and my application to Harvard are finalized.