Tuesday, June 28

Model Congress

I was at a family function over the weekend and my niece mentioned that she was involved in something called 'Model Congress' at her high school. She explained that in Model Congress students get to emulate the activities of the United States House of Representatives.

When I asked her if a model lobbyist ever takes them on a model junket she gave me the "There goes Uncle Jim" smile that I get all to often these days. "Maybe they'll cover that next term", she said, then warily moved to another table.

"Maybe they'll cover that next term." Hmmmm...

Welcome, students, to the second term of Model Congress. Last term we learned how a bill is introduced on the floor, how facts are gather during committee hearings, how differences are arbitrated among members, and how a final consensus is reached.

This term we are going to find out what really happens.

The first thing you need to know is that five percent of your final grade will be based on the weekly quiz, five percent will be based on the final exam, and ninety percent will be based on how much money you can raise for re-election.

Next, how to raise money for re-elections:

  1. Schmooze fat-cat party bosses

  2. Prostitute principals in the boudoir of corporate largesse

  3. Promise the voters that your number one priority is to "shake up the status quo"

Finally, what to do with the money you raised for re-election:

  1. Keep the status quo just the way it is

  2. Give a portion to some ne're do well relative who never worked an honest day in his or her life

  3. Hide the rest in an anonymous offshore account where it can't be traced except by someone who bothers to look

That about covers it, except to say frequent unexplained absences are encouraged and lavish gifts to the teacher are expected. My office hours are noon to, oh, I don't know, around 12:20 or so I guess. Oh, and there is an ATM outside the door for those who forgot to bring something.

Class is dismissed for a 6-week recess, and let me be the first to congratulate you for taking an interest on seeing how democracy really works.

1 comment:

Suzannaowens said...

And THAT'S why I want to go into politics. Ah, graft.