Tuesday, April 26

The United States Government Tells You How Much Exercise You Need

I read in the paper that the Department of Health has new recommendations for how much daily exercise is needed to maintain proper health. They recommend that the typical American adult spend anywhere from 30 to 90 minutes a day exercising. I don't know about you, but the chances of me exercising for 90 minutes a day are not good, government or no government.

I suspect the sneaker lobby had something to do with these recommendations. I can just imagine some former Congressman (now representing the National Foot Council) cornering a Health Department official in a cloakroom.

“So, Deputy Sub-Secretary for Exercise Guidelines, how was your ten day, all expenses paid trip to the National Foot Council's "Foot-a-rama" in the Bahamas? Were you able to determine how much exercise each and every American citizen is required to perform each and every day in order to maintain his or her precious health?”

“Yes, I was. Surprisingly, it turns out that three and a half minutes a day of aimless meandering is all that is needed.”

“Yes, yes, we already knew that. But perhaps you are forgetting the brand new, fully loaded, BMW Sedan that is sitting in your driveway right now. Wouldn’t that affect your estimate of the amount of running, jogging, or speed walking that is necessary for the typical American adult?”

“No, not really. In fact those activities can cause knee trauma and lead to osteoporosis.”

“Of course they do, but this solid gold Rolex watch suggests that these problems can be avoided if the right footwear is chosen, right?”

“It actually would be better for everyone if they just went barefoot all the time.”

"That's ridiculous. Can you imagine what it would be like if everyone went barefoot all the time? What about all that broken glass and those rusty nails in the street? People would cut their feet to shreds."

"Yes, I was worried about that too. Then the lobbyist I was talking to this morning explained how that would actually be a good thing."

"What lobbyist?"

"The guy from the American League of Tetanus Shot Providers."

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