Tuesday, May 3

The Colon Monologues

Recently while undergoing a colonoscopy I had a Demerol induced vision that my colon actually was on TV...

Hi. I'm Jim's colon, and I want you to know I'm not too happy about it. Heart, Lungs - now those are the glamour organs. Even Stomach is more respected than I am. Stomach even gets a cutsy name - "tummy". "It's yummy in my tummy." For crying out loud.

How come you never hear "It's rollin' down my colon"? No, at most you'll hear "Oy, do I have a cramp!"

My main function seems to be to see to it that Jim has an excuse each morning for some quiet solitude while he reads the newspaper.

Alright, now for a little anatomy lesson. If you opened Jim up, pulled me out, and laid me end-to-end I would strech for almost 35 feet. Thirty-five stinking, bloody feet of hot, oozing colon. Do you really want to see that? I didn't think so.

End of lesson.

You don't really want to hear anymore about me, do you? I bet if I was your tummy you'd listen! "Oooh, my tummy's growling." Ha! When I growl it's just embarassing.

Look why don't you get that lousy camera out of my face and let me get back to whatever the hell it is I do!

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